14. Drink band even more drink

The problem with lunch time drinking is that it often goes straight to your head and then to your legs.

Going straight to your head effects your brain and the imbiber tends to lose his inhibitions and acts even more stupid  by doing such  things as trying to do impressions of people or in some people’s cases dropping their trousers in public. They also get a dose of Dutch courage and approach strangers just for the sake of it and engage them in long, meaningless conversation.

Drink also affects one legs and makes people more accident prone. They are more liable, to fall off boats, fall into bushes, fall into the water, fall down hatchways and fall down down holes. None or all of these have happened when out we have been out boating and here are only mentioned in passing as a warning shot to the tipsy boater.

Billy said physiologically “Do you know someone would say we were alkies because we enjoy a drink, what do you two think then lads” Don’t talk silly Billy” said the First Mate “Alkies wake up and drink first thing in the morning because without it, they can’t function and of course, if they have too much they think that they can function but everything they do is either wrong or in some way cocked –up” “Well I certainly can’t function after twelve pints of beer” said the Captain “ No you’re not” said the First Mate “In your case you can drink as much as an alcoholic but in your case you don’t have a problem, no Captain  you’re not an alkie,  more of  piss artist”.” And what about in your case First Mate “You must be a definite alkie knocking back that full strength loon juice that you prefer to drink” Do you really think that I could have held down such a high powered job if I was an alkie and of course you never get alkies who just drink beer, albeit it stronger tackle than that boy’s beer that you and the Boy drink. Maybe you two drink 8 pints of that brown stuff while I sip 4 or 5 of the amber nectar and by the time you do calculate the   total alcohol content they’re probably even Stephens. Plus the big difference, is when I have had enough I just simple want more while you and The Boy just fall over and don’t forget ,  talking and thinking is thirsty work , it’s about time we stopped for another drink soon.” The Captain then asked the Cabin Boy “Do you have a drink problem Billy?” “No of course  not, the  only problem is that I sometimes get over-served, which of course, is never my fault and is caused by some eager bar maid  taking advantage of me and misinterpreting a nod  of the head or a wink, as a request for another drink. And don’t forget that these alkies are often miserable gits and would prefer a drink to a blow job, while a good old fashioned, occasional drunk as me, thinks that he loves everyone and everything is immensely attractive, including you Captain when he has been deliberately over-served”.