131. Cask Marques and Smart Phones

The 'Cask Marque' is a sign that appears outside pubs guaranteeing that inside you will get a great pint of cask ale.There are over 6,500 pubs showing the Cask Marque plaque meaning you can find pubs selling great cask ale anywhere in Britain.

To gain the award each pub undergoes at least two unannounced inspections by one of Casque Marque’s forty-five qualified assessors.Each pint of beer is tested, for temperature, appearance, aroma and taste and all pints on sale to the consumer must pass.

Ever been out driving and fancied a cracking pint of cask beer but don’t know where to go? Well now there are a host of ways you can find Cask Marque pubs using iPhone, sat navs or regular mobile phones.

 The Captain turned to the Cabin Boy and said”You’re always fiddling with that phone of yours Billy Boy and did you know that you can use your mobile phone to find pubs with Cask Marqued beers?”.”Unlike you, and the First Mate, I am not a technological caveman, and this is not just any mobile phone, it’s a smart phone which means , as well as the features of an ordinary mobile phone it also has  a personal digital assistant, which to you guys  means is has a  built in computer with its own operating system and of course, I can download, sometimes for free hundreds of apps such as Caskfinder which will find any pubs in the vicinity which have Cask Marked  beers. If you googled “Free smartphone apps, you’d find many free smartphone applications and don’t forget these phones have instant messaging, access to your e-mail on your own computer and have a QWERTY type of keypad, just to name a few”.”OK clever clogs “said the First Mate give us a demo then”.”OK then, I’ve downloaded an app called Soundhound which recognizes any song being played, I’ll show you watch. I’m pointing it at that speaker in the corner, the song is being scanned now, just watch, there you go, “Every Breath you take”  by The Police.”.” Very good Billy, but does it recognise songs if you actually sing them” added the First Mate, go on Captain, you used to be a bit of a singer,, give it a try”. So the Captain stepped up to the microphone, albeit the Cabin Boy’s phone and sang Benny Hill’s song “Ernie” which the smartphone didn’t recognize, followed by  the Worzels “I’ve got a brand new combine harvester”  which again the smartphone failed to recognise. The Captain said”There must be something wrong with the software, I’ll give it my final best shot with a song that suits my deep voice” The Captain then gave his best rendition of the evening and sang for two minutes , almost word perfect the old Lee Marvin song “I was born under a wondering star”. “Bingo !” shouted the Billy the Cabin Boy” as he laughed it’s recognized it, it’s called シルバービートで"私はあなたの手を保持したい and just to impress you guys I’ll show you just how smart this smartphone is, I’ll look it up using a language translation app”  After another couple of minutes ,he joyously exclaimed “Yes gentlemen ,the song that the Captain has just sang is “I want to hold your hand “ by The Silver Beats, a Beatles tribute band from Japan. And its sang in native Japanese as well”. The Captain just mumbled” Clever people those Japs just like you Billy, too smart by far.

130. The Slug and Lettuce and Strange Pub Names

The Slug and lettuce at Marlowe is part of a chain of pubs owned by the  Bay  Restaurant Group who   say that “they pride ourselves on our passion for great food and drink, fabulous, friendly service and safe, welcoming environments”. Let’s,  now examine this statement.

Well great food was certainly not our experience when we discovered “Monday “when food was all half-prices. Half-cocked, the poorer  half of the better half and six of one and half a dozen of the other which was greater more likely. The blow was softened by only a forty five minute wait and cheap price beer.

The beer was excellent and we easily quaffed several pints of Rebellion produced by the local brewery.

The service by Johnny Black was indeed fabulous. He was polite, courteous and helpful, a bit of a Uriah Heap character, ever so humble, creeping for a large tip .John if you read this, nothing personal, well not too much anyway.

The environment was safe and as soon as we arrived, the male of a clandestine couple summoned his paramour to move to a cosier booth and out of temptations way since the arrival of three eligible but highly attractive married men, just waiting to seize his top prize from under his very nose or his wandering hands.

Welcoming as a doormat can be .The designers of these chain establishments have tried to create a trendy environment, in our opinion, it’s more like a doctor’s waiting room in. This place used to be a pub called the Hogshead but in its favour , it still is based on the site of an old brewery.

The Captain started the conversation with “What a stupid name to call a pub, it would put  you off your grub  straight away wouldn’t  it, as you  are always instinctively  look through your rabbit fodder salads for creepy  crawlies or it this case slithering ,very slow creepy crawlies  that leave a slime trial behind them.” “Yes Captain,  but don’t forget you’ re  getting a portion of fresh protein for free and at the same time reducing one of the arched enemies of the gardener plus I’ve never heard of anybody being poisoned by any snail” said the First Mate.”Well you’re the biologist amongst us Big Fella” continued the Cabin Boy “What is the difference between a slug and a snail then?”The First Mate replied, “It’s obvious gentlemen, the snail carries his home around with him just like a down and out and his bin liner, and the slug doesn’t”.

“Well if you think that that is a stupid name for a pub, during my cycling trips” said the Cabin Boy. I’ve come across some really, really stupid names. Once ,when we were cycling down on the South Coast,  we ended up in  good old Pompey and had a few beers in The Honest Politican and The Jolly Taxpayer pubs , and on another cycle trip around  Kent,  we found a pub called The Honest Lawyer in Folkestone , The Flying Pig in Dartford and   we found  a boozer the Donkey on Fire somewhere round Ramsgate way. Can you remember any weird or strange pub names in your travels Captain?”

“Well “said the Captain “My very first teaching job was in South London and sometimes I’d go with a few colleagues from the Poly, drinking down the Old Kent Road. I remember drinking in The Frog and Nightgown, The World Turned Upside Down and The Hairy Lemon. And as you know, my wife is Canadian and one year when we went to my visit her parents, we had a drink in a pub  in Toronto called The Dogs Bollocks. Your turn next First Mate”.

“Can’t really think of any strange names,  except for Goat and Compasses and The Marrowbone and Cleaver, which we used to get rat arsed in when we used to go on a uni  rugby tour up north and our final game was in Hull, and yes, on the same tour, we got pissed  in  a pub in York called The Quiet Woman!”

“Isn’t it funny ” continued  the Cabin Boy “that we can all remember these weird and wonderful names for pubs but I wonder why they get these , absurd names ?”.”Easy Billy” smiled the First Mate “To confuse  foreigners and to prove to them that pubs are English institutions and that their  names can  only be interpreted only by persons who have a  sound knowledge of the English language and more importantly, only by persons who have an   deep rooted knowledge of English history”.

“I’d go along with the First Mate on that Billy” said the Captain “and “would add, that these odd-ball names lead to discussion and laughter over a few beers, in which gentlemen like us,  while away a few hours conversing about possible explanations and suggestions , all are which unlikely and defy any form of logic. In all probability,  it’s  just a marketing ploy used to stimulate people’s imagination  and in your case Billy, a very vivid one!”

“And I’ve just thought of another one lads when we were cycling down Pompey way, maybe Southsea”, piped up the Cabin Boy, ”The Fawcett Inn but all the locals  call  it The Rough Lover”

129. Marlow

As you approach Marlow, you see Marlow Bridge which was designed by William Tierney Clark and this was completed in 1836.Apparently this bridge was built as a scale model of the bridge which was eventually to span the River Danube and link the two principalities of Buda and Pest in Hungary.

In the background past this white suspension bridge, the spire of All Saints Parish Church pops out its wonderful head.

When we walked around the streets of Marlow, we found that it still appeared to be old fashioned and quaint. The First Mate said “You see it’s spreading even here, foreign food. Look down this typical  high  street you could be anywhere in the World. Chinky grub,Thai grub, Indian fodder, Italian and please take note gentleman not a single English restaurant. Oh yes there is said The Cabin Boy, what about that fish and chip shop on the corner,”Yeh, said “The First mate” you mean the one run by a gang of Chinkies.!And said the Captain “Don’t forget the Old English Tea Shoppe” run by a couple of Turks.

What’s this place famous for asked Billy Boy? The Captain couldn’t really think of anything to say to the Cabin Boy except “Well all these old buildings and things must have an interesting history such as that church, that big old bridge and some of the boozers”.

“Oh you mean the one that we should have visited like Jerome and his mates did .Which one was that Phil, asked Billy.”The Crown “continued the First Mate.”It was the only proper boozer in the town and I think it shut down a few years ago after about 200 years of serving the community.”Sad “said Billy.”Must now be some up-market bistro eh”.”You must be joking, it’s more important that that Billy” “What then? “asked Billy.”If you want to know Billy, I’ll put you out of your misery.It’s a kitchen showroom” said the First Mate.

“I’ve   just thought on “said the Captain” Marlow isn’t important for its’ buildings but for some of the people who used to live here” For instance” interrupted the First Mate. “For a start there’s that Mary Shelley, who wrote that gothic, creepy book about Frankenstein and that Yankee poet and playwright T.S.Elliot.” “I say Captain,” said the Cabin Boy “Why do these famous authors always use initials instead of their proper names?” Before he could answer, the First Mate said, “I can answer that one. You see Billy , when people become famous, they like to become incognito so that people won’t recognise them,  and thus when they become famous and they are asked for their autographs, it quicker for them to write their signatures!”,”Cheers First Mate, for such a  clear explanation, but what the fuck are you talking about”,  the First Mate added even more confusion to the discussion  and replied  “Good question Billy, the answer is in the question”. As they were about to moor up in Marlow,  the Cabin Boy was still scratching his head and the Captain  quietly asked the same question .The First Mate replied” Just thought I’d confuse that clever little bugger and humour him a bit and lead him up the garden path for a bit of a laugh” .”Eureka “ cried the Cabin Boy” “, I’ve got it ,that hobbit guy John Ronald Raul Tolkien always signed his autograph as J.R.R Tolkien “Something like that Billy “ said  the First Mate still humouring him said “ The Queen signs herself as E.R, James Bond as 007  and Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde as A.R.S.E Bandit !!

128:The Compleat Angler- Lesbians Paradise

The  Compleat Angler is named after a book of the same title written by the English writer Izzak Walton ,the last updated edition was published in about 1676 which includes the famous passage  about the frog, often misquoted as being about the worm—“Use him as though you loved him, that is, harm him as little as you may possibly, that he may live the longer”

This once riverside  pub,  is now a more up market hotel, situated on then cascading waters of Marlow weir  has been awarded four AA red stars and is an Inspector's Choice Hotel, placing it in the top 200 hotels in the UK. In 2008 it received the coveted accolade of the South East's “Large Hotel of the Year” at the prestigious Tourism ExSEllence Awards. Close to the Olympic training venues of Bisham and Dorney Lake, the Compleat Angler Hotel can obtain for you, at exorbitant prices, ringside seats for you at Royal Ascot, the Henley Regatta and the pageantry of Royal Windsor.

The pub originally called the Riverside Inn had six letting rooms was built about 400 years  and  was originally owned by the Wethereds brewery.

One early morning   while fishing in the weir from a boat, the Captain and  First Mate ,watched a youngish blonde couple in their late twenties kissing and cuddling on the balcony of their room and not wishing to strain his neck, the voyeuristic Captain pulled anchor and positioned the boat in close proximity of the river bank to secure a better view of the fishing area and withdrew his high powered binoculars from their case. Accidently his field of vision included the cavorting couple. Low and behold, he thought the view could not get better but he was wrong for the embracing couple were both young ladies, yes genuine rug munchers!

As we slowed down to take in the view of Marlow, the Cabin Boy  asked the Captain and the First Mate “ had they ever been in the Compleat Angler “.”Not really my sort of place Billy Boy,” said the First Mate “More your sort of place, full of upper class twits, hurrah Henries  ,pseudo poofters and Hughie Grant  look-alikes “.”Cheers First Mate, I love you as well,” replied Billy.”I went there once with my wife a few years back and ordered a gin and tonic and a pint of bitter and handed the waiter a tenner” added the Captain.”He just stood hovering  over us , and I thought he was waiting for a tip so I gave him a pound . I was flabbergasted when he said that he wanted another one pound fifty because the drinks bill was twelve pounds fifty. Daylight robbery and we couldn’t even get into the waterside garden because of a wedding reception”.

The First Mate added “You sure that it was wedding reception for a couple of norms and not one of the those civil jobbies in which two men or two women get knotted to each other?”.”Come to think about it, I can’t remember seeing a groom but I remember ogling the bridesmaids, all dressed in pink, and thinking that they were all in their thirties and a bit old to be bridesmaids”.Billy continued the conversation and asked “What do you call a group of lesbians ?” ,to which the Captain and the First Mate replied in unison  “We don’t know” .Billy laughed out loud and said “It’s called  a lust of lesbians”  and the First Mate added “More like a Munch Fest”

127. Speeding

Until fairly recently there wasn't a speed limit on the non-tidal River but there was a general rule that a boat should not exceed a brisk walking pace which is roughly 4 to 5 miles per hour.

However, there is now a statutory speed limit of 8 kilometres per hour over the bed of the river. It is  generally accepted and recognised that a speed limit is in all our interests as excessive wash, created by speeding boats, caused untold damage to the riverbank, wildlife and moored up boats (wash can still be a problem even with a speed limit). But the introduction of a speed limit was controversial for two reasons: Firstly, what unit of measurement was to be used and how would this be  applied.

On the roads in the UK we do not use the metric system at all and all distances are measured in miles and speeds are given in miles per hour. As far as boats are concerned, here in England and like a number of other countries, speed is measured in knots (nautical miles per hour). In their wisdom however, the authorities on the Thames have decided to use kilometres per hour, a unit to which many of us cannot relate. And so, for slow learners like our crew: - 8 Kilometres per hour = 5 miles per hour = 4.3 knots

In applying the speed limit , the authorities have chosen to measure the speed ‘over the bed of the river’ rather than ‘through the water’. This can give rise to two problems. It doesn’t take into account the current, which can be considerable, and it doesn’t recognise that logs (speed indicators) fitted to boats measure speed through the water. There is no mechanism on a boat for measuring its speed over the ground unless it has G PS fitted.

When a Captain is in a hurry he is inclined to forget that there is a 5 miles an hour speed limit imposed on vessels on the Thames but a Captain worth his salt will ask the next boat ahead can he overtake him. This is exactly what the Captain did but did not realise that there are other impatient people on the river besides himself. At Hurley lock , the Captain duly asked the question and was told by the captain of the boat ahead of us “By all means overtake us once we leave the lock”.

In doing so, another boat was encountered in our way and so the vessel took a long berth to overtake the lead ship. The captain of the other ship did not like this and promptly also put his toe down but he was out beaten by the rapid response of Captain Jimmy.

As we sped towards Temple Lock, the Captain and crew saw that the lock was opened but as they got closer to the empty lock, the lock keeper, suddenly shut the lock gates thus preventing us to enter , and walked sprightly across the gantry and gave the Captain a right bollocking for speeding. “Think you’re a bit of a whizz kid do we captain ? and you  also probably also think that the speeding restriction applies to other people only and not to you. Well I’m telling you that speeding causes a lot of problems here on the river such as bank erosion, bank destabilisation and its harmful to aquatic life and nesting birds”, “Is that all then?”   sarcastically replied the  Captain.”No its not old  son, it causes damage to smaller boats and I’ve known a couple of canoes, rowing boats  and small tenders to be capsized by excessive wash caused by speeding boats like yours.” Behind the lock keeper’s back, the First Mate whispered, “It’s not all bad then”

And to top it all, the fellow boater who caused us to speed even more proudly reminded us that “There was a thousand pound fine for speeding.” He forgot that he was also speeding and that unlike him, we had three independent witnesses who would swear it in court of law,  if  and when the occasion should arise.

The Captain turned around and faced the coppers nark and said “  As far as I was aware ,there are  no River Inspectors on the EA launches with radar guns within a fifty mile radius, and in any case why should their time just leisurely cruising all day up and down the Thames at the boaters expense, be spoilt by someone requesting help, assistance or upholding the law or indeed being bothered by a tell tale tit like you”. The co-speeder suspecting that he may have got a bit of a kicking if he persisted arguing with the Captain, reversed his boat out of the lock cut and sort  safety on the far bank,   well out of arms reach.

The Captain told the Cabin Boy that he was going to give the lock-keeper a right gob full of abuse when  passing through the lock,  but  the situation was diffused  when to our surprise on entering the lock,  the lock keeper was in good humour and even managed a smile. and said “ Have a good , slow trip to wherever you are going  gentlemen “.As the lock gates opened up,  the Captain said  to the lockie” Yes he who laughs least laughs last” to which the lockie smiled again and replied “He who laughs last ,thinks the slowest”. Quick as lighting the Cabin Boy got in his two pennyworth   and said “Well that must be you then Mr.Lock Keeper.”The lock-keeper now beaming doffed his hat, and

exclaimed”Touche!”.

126.Clean Water

Isn’t it a shame that the things we care about in life are often not supported .In recent times there have been natural disasters all around the world including the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, the 2005 Kashmir earthquake, the Haiti earthquake of 2010 and even more recently the great floods in Pakistan. A quick investigation at the UN website revealed that the major donor is the UK - with over $7m. to the latter cause. Notice the word donor-free of charge. We wonder what Pakistan has ever given us except for the heartache and bloodshed caused by them sheltering the murdering Taliban and as regards money…not a cent. Wouldn’t it have been good if some of this money went towards good causes such as The Thames Rivers Restoration Trust (TRRT) which is an independent charity dedicated to improving the river and its tributaries to benefit people and nature? TRRT was first established in 1986 as the Thames Salmon Trust, which successfully installed fish passes on the upper river and on the River Kennet. But a wider river basin approach is needed to restore the Thames system to full health. Many parts of the system still suffer from problems such as pollution, physical alteration and low water flows; causing loss of benefits to people and wildlife.

There is a plaque at Hurley commemorating the installation of a salmon ladder. A fish ladder, is a structure on or around artificial barriers (such as weirs and  locks  to help salmon  migration. Most salmon ladders enable fish to pass around the barriers by swimming and leaping up a series of relatively low steps (hence the term ladder) into the waters on the other side.

“You’re an expert on water quality aren’t ya  Big Fella   “ asked the Captain as they were looking at the plaque, ”What do really think is going to happen to the salmon then?”.

“It’s the same old story time and time again” said the First Mate.”.”We get a lot of rain, the sewer systems can’t cope with it, and the net result is that all the filth and crap pours into the river from both factories and your own lav. In simple terms the drains are too small, fill up quickly and then  they spew out all sorts of nasties into the innocent watercourse wherever it may be. But I can tell you this, it is possible to clean up water and for it to hold salmon.I think that they did it somewhere up north like on the River Tyne. This river was a dirty, filthy river years ago and now it is a prolific salmon fishery. What’s more London is the real culprit and do you really think that salmon are going to enter the Thames at that point ?, no way, it would be a bit like putting your head down the bog  after someone has had a dump and then getting someone to pull the chain. No way mate is the Thames  ever gonna  be a salmon fishery until they invest millions into replacing the entire London Sewer system and that will happen when Hell freezes over ,Gaddafi gets the Nobel Peace prize and Nelson gets his eye back!”

125.The Temple and the Hell Fire Club

Temple Island is situated a mile and a half downstream of the picturesque market town of Henley and on it is a Folly which is the HQ of Henley Royal Regatta and its  main significance of the island is that it lies at the start of the course for Henley Royal Regatta.

As we were passing the Temple, we saw a guy dressed up in a suit that was obviously one bought from a local charity shop,the trousers being rolled up , the arms of the jacket more suited to an   orangutan and the shoulder fitting would have not have been amiss if seen on the Hunchback of Notre Dame.Billy shouted out to the gentleman dressed up in the deformed suit "I say old chap can you tell us something about that fine building ?".

"Well if you really want to know about it and your not just trying to take the piss, I'll tell you a bit about it".Billy employing his acting skills once again replied " I would never ever dream of it old chap".Well"  continued 'he of  the deformed suit' , "The ornamental folly was designed by the 18th century English architect James Wyatt and  was constructed in 1771. It was originally  designed as a fishing lodge for Fawley Court, a nearby historic house.Supported by a gift of £515,000 from Alan Burrough (a Steward of the Regatta) and his wife Rosie, in December 1987 the Regatta was able to purchase a 999 year lease of the island and the temple. Following the purchase, the Stewards of the Regatta undertook restoration works to the island and the temple:

 A statue of a nymph, in keeping with the style and age of the Temple, was placed under the cupola,and for your information  nymph in Greek mythology is a minor nature goddess typically associated with a particular location such as an island." Billy regretted asking 'he of the deformed suit ''for information on the Temple and the old chap babbled on.

"By definition a folly  is a costly undertaking having an absurd or ruinous outcome however it can also mean  an  elaborate theatrical revue consisting of music, dance, and skits and this definition quite suits this building since  this elegant and exclusive venue is available for hire, both during Royal Regatta Week and throughout the year. It offers a unique setting for entertaining, whether for corporate hospitality, wedding receptions or for private parties. It also provides a secure location for confidential meetings, and an idyllic venue for presentations and promotions"

Billy thanked 'he of the deformed suit" and asked the Captain to start the engine." I never thought that Quasimodo  over there would never shut"."You did ask him to tell you about the Temple" added the First mate.

As we floated by The Temple, the Captain turned to the Cabin Boy and said “Isn’t this temple the same place that was used by the Hellfire Club all those years ago?”.”No” said Billy that old white building which we just passed on the far bank of river was the place they used, I think it’s called Medmenham  Abbey”.”Sounds like my sort of club that Billy” chirped up the First Mate, ”Well Billy Boy” added the Captain “Tell us all about the  Hell Fire Club” and try not to bore us like that hunchback bloke you've just been complaining about."

“To tell the truth chaps In don’t know much about it but it was owned years ago by some guy called Dasherwood who used to invite members to come and stay at his gaff. Him and his mates  used dress up in masks and costumes ,in the guise of some religious sect , and then indulge in all sorts of debauchery in the gardens which contained a series of statues depicting people at it  in all  manner of positions, you know a sort of  kind of back to nature Kama Sutra It is also alleged that the monks in the abbey used to go down to London by boat and bring up a rake of prostitutes dressed as nuns for an evening’s entertainment. Apparently, the club had some famous members including the Earl of Sandwich, the Marquis of Granby, Benjamin Franklin and the Prince of Wales. Things got out of hands and eventually the club moved somewhere else, but I’m not sure where it moved to, it may have been over High Wycombe way.

The Captain simply couldn’t resist getting in his two penny worth “Christ, I had a mate who belonged to the Hell Fire Club, it wasn’t the same as that one. It was or probably still is a swingers club in Sunbury-on-Thames, where you pay fifty quid to see couples shagging and if you’re lucky you may get asked to join in the fun and frolics”.”And of course in my case” added the First mate,”they’d have begged me to join in and given me fifty quid as well!!”.Not to be out –sniggered, the Cabin boy added “Probably felt sorry for you’, and by the way I’ve just Googled it on my IPod, and that club in Sunbury does exist “.