124. 80's Rewind Festival

As we moved on downstream we passed Temple Island Meadows near Remenham  and saw    the site which is  used for the annual Rewind Festival .We had no idea of the scale of this concert. People can camp and bring motor homes; we have never seen such a large number of VW camper vans, many of which were old enough to be collectors’ items. One of the fields in tangerine in colour and campers may hire one of the hundreds of tangerine coloured tents, which have been erected for concert goers.

Premium moorings close to the “action” are about 15 quid a metre and moorings by the Barn bar are a mere 4 quid a metre”. Car parking is free, and trolleys to move your own stuff into the  place are available to rent.

All rock and music concerts have a down side for example you can’t bring four –legged friends, you can’t bring your own food and drink into the main festival site; caravans and trailer tents are verboten and you can’t park your car by your tent. Apparently, health and safety issues together with hygiene are the main reasons. Obviously, the event organisers haven’t seen the goers after they have spent a couple of days in a quagmire. You are however allowed to bring your own camera provided it is not a professional one, which they define as a camera with a detachable lens. We were not aware that such festivals are full of would-be David Baileys.

Acts this year included Boy George, Rick Astley, Tony Hadley, Go West and Level 42 and so now the reader knows why  this festival it known by its name.

We passed the site early on a Monday morning when the concert goers and organisers were packing up and it was a pleasure to see that there was hardly any litter left to pollute our English countryside but the average festival goer must have been aged over thirty and hence house trained unlike the spotty youths who attend the Reading Festival!

The Captain snorted” Don’t know much about the music of the 80’s except for that horny chick, Madonna , dancing around with her knickers  over  her pants just like Batman and his side kick Robin did, and of course there was that bender gender who we previously have spoken about, you know that Greek sausage jockey George Michael. That Madonna, she’s no oil painting  like our beloved Mr.Panayiotou but she does know how to jiggle that frame about  and get the boys as well as the girls going.”.”Correction Captain”, George the bubble and squeak is a British bi-sexual, born in the sound of Bow Bells, a true cockney, who likes the best of both worlds”.”At least he’s not as bad as that 80’s make-up wearing fairy Boy George,” added the First Mate.”Nothing wrong with a bit of make-up” piped up the Cabin Boy “When I am rich and famous and am being interviewed on one of those chats shows like Parkinson or taking part in a film such as Confessions of a Banker , I will have no problem with sticking  on a bit of make-up on to improve my image to  the viewers and  by then,my extensive fan club”.”Well Billy” said the Captain,” I would certainly not don any poofer stuff  like that and would adopt the Oliver Cromwell  attitude of “Paint me warts and all”.”Or in your case Jimmy, beer belly and bald patch” quipped Phil.

123. Henley

The Henley Reach is the location of the world famous Henley Royal Regatta is located just downstream from Henley Bridge. The course is 1 mile, 450 yards long and ends downstream at Temple Island.

It was this straight stretch of the River Thames that first attracted oarsmen to Henley. The very first Oxford and Cambridge University boat race was rowed between Henley Bridge and Hambledon Lock in 1829. After the success of this event, an annual regatta took place and in 1851 when Prince Albert became a patron of this annual event and it was renamed the Henley Royal Regatta.

The Cabin Boy, inquisitive as ever asked “Why is it Henley-on -Thames and not just Henley.

The First Mate took the bull by the horns, ” It is because there is more than one place in England called  Henley .There’s one  somewhere in the Midlands  which is a shithole  full of those Brummies who can’t speak English .There’s another in Suffolk full of carrot  crunchers  and there’s  another  near Crewkerne in Somerset where the yokels are always pissed up on scrumpy cider .And  the people of Royal Henley don’t wish to be confused with them “” OK ,then well why is Henley called Henley then ?” and now it was the Captain’s turn to answer the question.”Henley is a type of knitted shirt that used to be  made in a local factory, without a collar and made especially for gentlemen who have a fondness for rowing boats “. “Well I’ll be buggered that’s amazing “said The First Mate sarcastically”,“” I didn’t realise that such things even existed in the twelfth century!” just as they passed a sign stating that Henley was founded in 1179.

Billy  said  “I remember when I lived in Wokingham as a boy, there was this right poshington who used to go that snobby  Oratory School over the other side of Reading who was always going on about regattas. He used to tell me that the weather was always bloody awful during regatta week at Henley but him and his rowing team used to love getting pissed and eventually would take some part in an intercollegiate brawl which always ended up with some poor sod falling or getting lobbed into the water by the  Angel, you know the pub just by the bridge”.”What on earth is a pissington Billy ? “Oh you mean a poshington Phil, ,well it’s a modern term for someone who is more posh than posh like that curly haired gastronome  Laurence Llewelyn  hyphen Bowen and that coke head, socialite  Tara Palmer hyphen Tomkinson ,  and I don’t mean that fizzy stuff used to pollute Bacardi with!”

122. A Close one

122.  A close one

The story of which I am about to relate concerning Shiplake is true.

Two years ago the Captain’s son Young Lochinvar aka The Roger aka Adam got married in the Chapel at Shiplake College overlooking the Thames .The ceremony took place at just gone noon and afterwards the wedding party  had drinks in the beautifully lawned gardens of this picturesque venue.

The Captain being a plain man, drank very plain drinks that afternoon albeit his favourite Timothy Taylors landlord. Early in the evening, he and his wife sat down in a quiet corner to contemplate the proceedings of the day. Soaking up the rays on what had been a perfect day, the Captain suddenly spat out a mouthful of his favourite brew .A wasp had crawled its way into his drink and on supping his ale was promptly stunk five times inside his mouth and within the same number of minutes half of his face suddenly expanded its size to over twice its normal size. His tongue was swollen and he now spoke with a heavy, slurred out of sync lisp. He looked like the elephant man but a damn site more handsome.

The captain was rushed into the Emergency and Accident unit at the Royal Berkshire Hospital in Reading. In less than two minutes, the nurses had shaved his arm plugged in two drip lines one containing adrenalin and the other some type of steroid. While the captain was in a semi-stupor, an oxygen mask was fitted. Several times during the next 30 minutes the alarm went off indicating a problem and the Captain thought he heard the nurse say “I hope he’s going to make it “. Unknown to the Captain, about 1 % of people who go into anaphylactic shock die.

Anyway after a couple of hours the Captain’s condition had stabilized and  he was allowed to go home .However all was not well since the Captain could not find his expensive and sentimental wrist watch. The Captain’s wrath was spent on the desk nurse and declared that “I came in here, almost died and got fuckin’ robbed and I want the police to be informed”.

The desk nurse told the Captain that the duty night nurse had gone home and she was sure that it would turn up.”Like a needle in a haystack” the Captain retorted.

Arriving home somewhat  weary , the Captain stripped off and there the watch was strapped to the other wrist…apparently they had had to shave the Captain’s arm to administer the live saving drips and had for security reasons had strapped his watch to his other arm. Of course the Captain made the phone call somewhat sheepishly to the desk nurse and ate a huge portion of humble pie accompanied by several Paracetamol.