203. Crinklies and waiting for God

Isn't weird that as you get older you expect less and less from life. Gone are the urges of the flesh, passion, the yearning for a quick fight or you just can’t wait to get back home and play with your latest bit of electronic wizardry.

Old folks are content to just sit, stare and chat while sat on park or promenade benches whether it is a seaside prom or a river embankment. The next time you walk along the Thames and particularly when in the towns along it’s length look for the occupiers of such benches and we bet that they are all old folks. Go into a local churchyard and you will find them also predominantly sitting on benches in the church, just getting a feel of the place before they go to dwell full-time there themselves.

When you see elderly folk benches along the River Thames engage them in conversation and you will find that they have got all the time in the world to chat.

202. Rugby League and Rugby Union

Rugby, called "The Game Played in Heaven" by supporters and players alike, comes in two flavours; League and Union. 

League is a rapidly moving game with the emphasis on skillful passing and kicking. Tackles are limited; running out of tackles results in the ball changing hands. The game is more glamorous and enjoys plenty of success on TV. 

Union is slower but allows for more continuity, with play only stopping if someone stuffs up or goes outside or scores etc. Forwards have a more emphasized role in that they are expected to maintain control of the ball (using brute force) if the ball-carrier is tackled.Both games are brutal and hard-hitting, using very little body armor when stacked up against comparable games like Gridiron, and several deaths have occurred on the field, even at schoolboy level. 

Despite the game's obvious merits, some people tend to misconstrue the high-intensity play as being a homosexual act. This can usually be linked to their own (latent or otherwise) homosexual tendencies. Also, the misconception that Rugby is played by 'preppy blokes in private schools' is a fallacy- Rugby can be played by preppy blokes, bogans, drongos, jocks, academics, farm boys, yuppies (i.e. everyone- as long as they’re not wimps or averse to copious amounts of pain).

Unlike many other sports, rugby has succeeded in maintaining as part of its culture respect for both the opponents and the referee. Players are seldom heard to argue with the ref and after the game, both teams and the ref can usually be found drinking and socialising together in the clubhouse. 

201. The Taffies

As soon as we walked into the Catherine Wheel in Henley we were engaged in conversation with a couple of Taffies from the Valleys named Norman and Ken.

Although Taffy  is used as a nickname or pejorative for someone of Welsh origin, it is a Welsh pet name for David and means” beloved one”.

Well these two Welsh exiles had come to live in England each for a different reason. Norman had been pursued by many a woman and the only way to escape them was to flee to England and Ken had had to leave Wales because when he was younger he was a fighting man and there was a bounty on his head for beating up several policemen, several circus performers and half of the local rugby club in a single evening but to meet him you wouldn’t think that he would hurt a fly. His mettle was tested by Phil, who said “The English should have never built that M4 motorway and the Severn Bridge to allow the Welsh to escape. Ken didn’t bat an eyelid and just laughed “It could have been worse, they could have built a bridge from Liverpool to Dublin and let in all those thick Paddies”.

The  Captain asked Ken “Why  can  all Welshmen  sing and  why was it that Wales produced  so many superior  male voice choirs who performed in awe all over the world”. Ken revealed the secret and told us “That none of them can sing in key and  most of them more  often   are tone deaf but when they sing together , the good cancels out the bad and vice versa and the result is a harmonious rendition”. In order to prove the point, we all took him up on his word and sang several songs much to the pleasure of an audience of five drunks, a couple of sub-normals and a couple of grannies.

200 . Another one bites the dust

The Brakspear Brewery dates back to 1711, when W.H. Brakspear bought a brewery on Bell Street, Henley. In 1812 the brewery moved to the Thames-side location on New Street and remained there until 2002, when the brewery closed and, the site was sold for development. The Brewery was one of the last established traditional brewers in the UK to use the Double Drop method for production of its regular brews.

Brakspear beers have won numerous awards in recent years, including Champion Beer of Britain for Brakspear Bitter and Champion Organic Beer of Britain in 2000 and 2001 for Organic.

Following the brewery’s closure, Wychwood Brewery bought the rights to brew Brakspear Beers. After months of looking for a suitable site near Henley (during which time much of the beer was brewed at Burtonwood Brewery in Cheshire), major building works were commissioned to enlarge the Wychwood brewery site to incorporate a new Brakspear brew house and separate Brakspear fermenting room, using original Brakspear equipment from Henley, including six Double Drop vessels.

Production was finally moved to Wychwood Brewery in July 2004, and the beer continues to be made in the way it always was. Robert Brakspear, who formed W.H.Brakspear and Sons Brewery in Henley, in 1779, actually started his brewing career in a Witney brew-pub - the Cross Keys on the High Street. So it was a belated homecoming for the brands. Over 200 years after Robert Brakspear first brewed in Witney, it seems fit and proper that his beer should be brewed here once again.

The brewery shut in October 2002, falling sales and pressure to offer discounts were blamed for   the closure resulting in the loss of 35 jobs. Today, it is now the Hotel Du Vin but it still features many of the original features of another lost brewery.

199. Old reads

There are now quite a few shops that now specialise in the sale of antiquarian books and Richard Way owns such a bookshop in Henley. But what are antiquarian books? In simple terms these are rare and out-of print books which seem to appeal to collectors of books on a certain topic and in the First Mate’s case it is piscatorial pursuits to the discerning angler, or fishing to the laymen whose only knowledge of fishing concerns the fish that are sold down the local chippy and, that go down a treat after ten pints of Snakebite on a Saturday night.

In the past such books were often sold by rip-off merchants trying to make a quick buck nut today it is almost an art form and a code of practice has been developed by The Antiquarian Booksellers Association in order to ensure standards regarding the sale of such books by dealer. The First Mate turned to the Captain and said “you can’t beat the feel and smell of a proper book and it certainly beats those e-books you read on a Kindle any day”.

198. Kids, dogs and women

When boating you often see the token mutt aboard but young unaccompanied ladies with a couple of dogs and a couple of young children almost breaks the bounds of decency and decorum when it comes to the yachting and boating fraternity.

Aboard Thames Falcon 2, there were   Harrison and Halley, Bobby and Sally and Sam and Tina. Now if the readers had to guess who was who, we are pretty sure that they would have not come up with the correct answer. Harrison and Haley were the children, Bobby and Sally were the doggies and the two girls were Tina and Sam. Despite the fact that they had been boating in heavy rain for a couple of days, the girls were in good humour and we shared several laughs with them.

The Captain asked about the boy's name of Harrison and, his mum Sally said that she had always been a big fan of Harrison Ford and Sam told us that Haley was named after Haley Mills .The Captain had thought that the boy had been named after one of his heroes, the late George Harrison of Beatle fame and the Cabin Boy misheard the name and thought that the girl had been named after Halleys comet. Poor old Halley – he only comes once every seventy six years or so.

197. The Pirate

On approaching Hambledon lock you may be greeted by a very pleasant lock keeper who adopts an upright stance and it is our belief that he may well have served in the armed forces.

If a person has a very big nose, you can’t help yourself and you just seem to focus on the protuberance and if a lady has a very large pair of breasts you just can’t help yourself and you remain focussed on those mammaries .

Well the same happened to us at Hambledon for the lock-keeper sports an eye patch and of course boys will be boys and simply can’t help wondering how the person lost their eye, of course making an assumption that the ye patch was not being worn for fun or that the incumbent of the said eye had a temporary eye infection.

The Captain teased a lady boater and asked her “Shall I ask on your behalf, how he lost his eye”, “No no she replied”.”OK then continued the Captain “Shall I ask him has he got a parrot then?” “No, no and definitely no” came the reply.”The Captain had got his quarry and continued “Would you like to phone a friend or ask the audience”. The female boater glared at the Captain and said “You wouldn’t dare”. The First Mate jumped straight in and said” But I would “and when leaving the lock shouted over to the lock-keeper” “Excuse me how did you lose your eye ? .“ “In an accident “came the reply and when asked “Do you have a parrot as well?” the lock keeper gave a half smile as we left the lock.

196. Romney Lock and Bondage

After Windsor, we headed up stream and the first lock we encountered was Romney Lock.

 And yes we met another lockie ,Mick  who told us a bit about the lock after heard the   First Mate say “ I’m sick of talking to people about boring old locks” .Mick said “Mick said “You see those sheds and buildings over there, well they belong to Sutton and Co, and they were the guys who made the oars for Steve Redgrave when he won his  Olympic Gold medals  for rowing .What’s more he won five gold medals in five successive Olympic Games from 1984 to 2000.I’ve met him here a couple of times and he’s a great guy, even when he became a diabetic , it didn’t stop him from winning a gold. Since retiring from roving he does a lot of good charity work and raises thousands of pounds each year. Not bad for a diabetic who is also dyslexic!!”

  

Phil asked the lady on the boat named Camargue II” did she need tying up” to which she replied “Not now darling, I haven’t got time” , the crew of Lorna II in unison burst into giggles. Wendy turned out to be a good sport and then showed off her rope throwing skills and at the fourth attempt managed to secure a rope around a capstan on the lock wall.

The Captain also asked her “If she liked being tied up.?” Her reply was “No but I do like giving people a good whipping, especially cheeky little sods like you”. The Captain quickly replied “Ah on the cheeks so you have done it before then? The Cabin Boy observed that she was wearing a pair of kinky boots and asked her “Did she have leather matching bra and panties beneath her jeans and top. When her husband heard these remarks, he came back with “No such luck mate” and then on cue, the First Mate said “O it must be your turn to wear them then?”

195. Howard the Hooter

Some people in this live are born lucky and we were lucky to have met one. For Howard a guy we met in Windsor,   was almost unique in two ways. One he had a most unusual job and secondly he was blessed in the nasal organ department.

Howard’s job was if interest to us. He was a bollard utility applications engineer, which when translated into simple English, he is the guy who lowers bollards so that areas either become pedestrian walkways at certain times of the day and then raises them to allow vehicular access which is usually first thing in the morning and late early evening.

We engaged Howard in conversation initially on how to where to find the local train station and as he turned around and pointed to the direction of the station, it was suddenly seen it all its glory a wonderfully large nose. Yes Howard certainly had a huge hooter, a superb snozzle, or a prize winning snot box. Of course, Billy    just couldn’t help himself and   had to point out that there are distinct advantages in having a large nasal organ such as “Being able to smell pussy at 20 yards, being able to smell a joint at 50 yards and being able to spell the fuzz at 100 yards. The Captain being more practical said “With such a large nose, your glasses never fell off, it could always act as a hat and coat stand at funerals and above all it serves as an aid on how to avoid areas frequented by foreigners such as mosques, slaughter houses ,brothels ,illegal gambling dens and dope rings”.

194. Long time Street Dweller and The Dog’s Bollocks

As we left an establishment that calls itself a purveyor of wines and fine ales, the Captain heard a familiar accent, a Liverpudlian accent and being a Scouser himself , shouted out “Is there a Scouse Git about”? An almost instantaneous reply came “Yes mate” and who gave that reply nobody except Kevin and his dog, the son of a thousand and one fathers, the dog that is. Kevin told us that he had been living on the street for 20 years and that he has appeared a couple of the times on the telly.

The Captain, without hesitation asked about the name of the dog and when told that his dog was called Monty, the Captain couldn’t believe his luck .At last he had met somebody with a dog called Monty which was bound to be it short hand for Montmorency .When the Captain asked was it short for Montmorency, Kevin replied “Yes mate. “ By now the Captain was euphoric and called the First mate and Cabin Boy over and said “You won’t believe it lads, but this old boy’s dog is called Monty and it’s short for Montmorency. The Captain added “Your old man must have been a lover of the book “Three Men in a Boat then?””No mate never heard of it , my dad named him after his favourite character in a book in which a convict has a stroke of luck and changes from being a convict to a gentleman and a spy “Well mate, from one mate to another ,there’s hope for you yet” said the First Mate.

Billy then asked Kevin how did he get the scar on the top of his head. Kevin replied “If you look at Monty’s left eye you can see a scar over it. Well I was walking Monty one morning along the path down by the river and a runt of a Jack Russell tried to mount Monty, you know true doggy style. Well I’m not having any little snapper trying to rodger my Monty so I tried to part them and, in doing so the Jack Russell bit us both on the head and then tried to bite me on the ankle .But I was too quick for it, and that dog soon found out what it was like to be kicked in the bollocks with a pair of steel toe capped size twelve boots and find itself suddenly floating down the river. As it floated down the river, that dog had a lot of time to think about the dangers of trying to molest an innocent such as my beloved Monty and, more importantly would having a pair of crushed nuts prevent him from doing it in the first place. Funny thing is, I am sure I’ve seen the same dog a couple of times in the café down by the station and it didn’t show any interest in Monty or me”.

As we strolled down the hill and towards the river, the Captain turned to the crew and said “it must be a co-incidence for we have just been drinking a few pints of Dogs Bollocks in the pub back there”

193. Refreshments in Windsor

Cold and wet, we were forced against our better judgement to seek even more shelter and even more beer in a great pub called The King and Castle which was part of the JD Wetherspoon chain.

Just to the left outside the pub, is a small gateway called the King Edward VII gateway and on the wall there is a plaque to this effect and a mounted bust of the late King on the wall.

Apparently some rich old boy called Jesse Boot generously donated the arch and gateway to the citizens of Windsor. “That Edward was a bit of a laddo you know “said the First Mate,” Used to be a right party animal always getting pissed and thoroughly enjoying himself. A bit like yourself eh “said the Captain” And like you he used to like the odd “cee-garr”. More like you eh Billy” said the First mate” You to think he was a bit of a ladies man and used to have a bit of a thing for those loose actresses. It upset his mum, you know that Queen Victoria so much that she regarded him as frivolous, indiscreet and irresponsible and told his sister that she said , “I never can, or shall, look at him without a shudder.” The Captain continued “After her old man Prince Albert died, she never laughed again, went into permanent mourning and blamed her husband’s death on Edward enjoying himself too much. You couldn’t blame the poor boy for enjoying himself; he was only very rich, very handsome and could have any woman he wanted.”Yes but often someone else’s wife” said The Captain.

We spent the rest of the afternoon there, contemplating whether we should continue our journey up to Marlow .After several more beers and a warming curry; we decided to stay In Windsor. Eight hours after our arrival we staggered out and made our way back to the boat but the boat was nowhere to be found.

“Some fucker’s nicked it “shouted out the Captain and panic ensued in the darkness.

After about an hour of searching around the bridge where the boat had been moored, we suddenly realised in our drunken stupor, that it was the wrong bridge and much more of concern was that we had cycled from the boat to the pub and had left our bikes chained up to lampposts outside the pub. Luckily after almost crawling on our knees up the hill, the bikes were still there intact.

192. Small world

When you are away from the women folk and the lonely boater is perhaps thinking of a dalliance along the way, the would-be adulterer should think twice if not thrice about embarking on such a caper, for these days you can’t go anywhere without meeting someone that you know or more importantly, meeting someone that knows that you know, that they know ,that that someone is really someone that, you shouldn’t know.

When approaching the bridge close to the playing fields of Eton, a car had stopped on the bridge and the driver appeared to be waiving at someone and was beeping his horn.

“Must be some problem on the bridge and just an irate driver sounding off at someone “said the First Mate.”No I don’t think so said the Cabin Boy, he seems to now be waving and shouting in our direction and now he’s reversing down to the river bank. 

The driver would down his window and said “ Hello Jimbo, what are you doing here”, the same as you James “replied the Captain. “What you just visiting a very well paying client who’s just about to take you out for a slap up luncheon as well” said James “ No not today James said the Captain ?” ’ He’s just let us use this floating hotel and gin palace, complete with three chamber maids, for a week for free”. “Well where is this wonderful palace then?” came James’s reply “In my imagination, just like yours “laughed the Captain. James Harries and the Captain had been friends and drinking buddies for many years when the Captain used lived in West Berkshire and knew his family very well.

James said" It certainly is a small world I haven't seen you for yonks I have seen you twice in the same day"."What do you mean ? "asked the Captain. "Well back there in Datchet, I honked my horn at you three guys when you were about to cross over that zebra crossing and , I think the big old boy shouted a string of abuse at me."."Sorry about that ", Phil said" I thought that it was just some irate motorist sounding his horn because he was  in such  a hurry and didn;t want to stop to let us three pensioners cross the road."James added "If you cared to look you would have seen that I had wound down my window and was laughing and waving to Jimbo".The First Mate put his hand in his pocket and produced his camera."you're absolutely right, I took a quick photograph of the motorist who tried to mow us down at the crossing, just in case I met him again and had the chance to give him a good trashing".James said" The next time you're in Hungerford look me up, I still drink in the Plume or the Swans, and if you're lucky I may buy you beer".

191. Manor Hotel

The Manor Hotel is another pub which was visited by the original crew of The Three men in a Boat and like the Royal Stag It sits on the Green at Datchet .Today it is not a common inn offering simple accommodation but an upmarket hotel.

The Manor Hotel's name has changed several times over the years and from 1753 to 1766 it was called The Half Moon and from 1767 The Horse and Groom and sometime between 1853 and 1877 it changed its name again to The Manor Hotel . Two stories are told about this pub, of which one is true and one is not: It has been said that it used to be a prison for Windsor Castle, but this is a virtually impossible idea, perhaps arising from a modern misreading of a letter written in 1648 during the Civil War by Lady Winwood of Ditton Park.

The other story, that the pub was a mortuary, is true and not at all unusual. When an inquest had to be held after an accidental or suspicious death, the body would be viewed by the coroner at the main inn of the place where the victim was found.

When we entered the place, it was difficult to ascertain whether it had a bar or not but some shouting by the First Mate drew the attention of one of the staff who was asked” Can three thirsty sailors get a drink?” and we were then escorted via a warren of corridors to a room at the back of the hotel, which had a small, elegant and trendy bar in it. As we walked towards the bar we could see several eloquent suites available for a range of functions from corporate hospitality to weddings. These were appropriately called the Windsor, Royal and Regency suites.

As expected there was no real ales on tap, but we did manage surprisingly, to get a pint of frothy Green King IPA and even more surprising its price of $2.75 a pint.

We spoke to the barman, Nasser who was from The Sudan, although he didn't look like a typical Arab for he was dressed in a smart part suit and wasn't wearing a frock with a rag on his head.

The Captain engaged him in conversation concerning languages and Nasser told the crew “that very few English people could speak any foreign languages at all and that is was embarrassing when he’d met little kids aged three or four in far off paces such as China, India and Nepal who could speak English” .The Cabin Boy added “Don’t forget Bradford and Southall”. Nasser continued the conversation with “I can speak four languages and languages are like the sea, you never get to the end of it. The Captain whispered to the First Mate” I thought he was a barman not a philosopher”. To which the First mate whispered back in his ear “If he’s so fucking clever with all those languages, why is he working as a barman? Maybe he’s gotta a lot of customers who are Chinkies ,Curry-munchers and Sherpas “.

190. A Nation of Cameras

It is estimated that England has 4.2 million security cameras in the UK ,this means that there is one camera for every 14 people .So where are all these cameras. A recent survey  of over a hundred high street premises  consisting of banks, estate agents, pubs, shops and office blocks -  found that 41 per cent had CCTV systems, with an average of 4.1 cameras per system.

When the crew was walking through a courtyard close to the Green in Datchet. The Cabin Boy asked the First Mate” What’s that on the roof then Phil”,” not too sure Billy but I think it is a camera. On second thoughts it’s not one camera its four cameras joined together and mounted on a pole.”Well what are they there for Phil?” “Well they’re all part of The Big Brother Syndrome”, interrupted said the Captain”. You see, like in that book 1984, the government had a big computer spying on people and although that book was written years again it’s prophecy has come true”. “What do you mean?” ", said the Captain” All these cameras are computer controlled and can be surveyed from a remote place such as a police nick and they can see what we are all doing. ““Well what are the for doing then?” asked the Cabin Boy

“You see the one on the left”,” Yes “said Billy” But why is it on the pointed at the church then?” ”Not exactly Billy, it’s pointed at the church roof because there are some heartless thieves that pinch the lead of the roofs. The other two are pointed here just in case people sat in the garden are taking drugs, getting served under age or indulging bit the sort of things that teenagers get involved in like mugging,  and the fourth one is probably a spare in case the other three break down. Talk about a pseudo –Nazi state, Big Brother really is watching you” said ”The Captain” and “Some more than others  Billy Boy “ laughed the First’ Mate.” “I can’t help it being such a handsome bastard “retorted Billy. The Captain chirped up “ I don’t suppose you got the number of the double decker bus that ran over your face did you ?”

“And what’s more Billy it’s all part of creating a Nanny State”, What’s that then Captain? ”It’s a state that forces people to pay high taxes and a state that creates vast numbers of useless and unnecessary   regulations so that we can’t live our lives without government interference and control. In practice, it assumes that everyone is stupid and that excessive legislation is compulsory in order to protect people from themselves.”” Christ “said Billy “When my mum told  me  that  my nanny was in  a state, after having put the cat in the microwave , I  now know what you mean” .As the crew left the Stag and crossed the village green, the First Mate stopped and said “Those surveillance  cameras aren’t as bad as those speed cameras.  Speed cameras are just a   way of making the government or the local authority yet more money, cynically disguised as a way of stopping accidents. As with most of this government's ways of conning the public, anyone with a few brain cells can work out it's just a con. These speeding signs are sneakily hidden by trees or tall hedges and can’t be seen until you’re right upon them. I'm not in favour of speeding , you often see boy racers  particularly in  council  housing estates, using the roads as  a race track, what d’y reckon Captain”.” For once Phil, I agree with you, I think I read that about  5% of accidents are caused  speeding. Speed cameras won’t ever stop people driving like they're on the dodgems at the fair ground. And of course, if you driving in an area with all these speed cameras about, you’re keeping   a constant eye on your speedo and not upon the road”. The Cabin Boy added “I tell you what is some areas they really take speeding serious. I remember reading in the Newbury Weekly News that a guy was speeding on the M4 and he was fined five hundred  quid and had was banned from driving for eighteen months.”.”Yes Billy”, said the Captain,” I think I remember that case as well, and just beneath it the same paper ,a guy was let off with a warning for GBH, a case that proves that the law is an ass”

189. The Royal Stag

The Stag was another of the pubs visited by the original crew of Three Men in a Boat. The Royal Stag stands in the centre of the village on the village green and dates from the1400's.Over the centuries it has been previously known    as The Five Bells and The High Flyer and was finally named the Royal Stag in 1796.

 Although a lot of the trip in his  book  is fiction, Jerome clearly knew the scenes and places he described in his humorous novel. In this brief extract the narrator, George and Harris need a place to spend the night in Datchet:

We went a goodish way without coming across any more hotels, and then we met a man, and asked him to direct us to a few. He said, 'You must turn right round and go back, and then you will come to the Stag.' We said, 'Oh, we had been there and didn't like it - no honeysuckle over it'. Then George spoke up. he said Harris and I could get an hotel built for us if we liked, and have some people made to put in. For his part he was going back to the Stag. ...... We took our traps (bags) into the Stag and laid them down in the hall. The landlord came up and said 'Good evening, gentlemen.' 'Oh, good evening', said George, 'we want three beds please.' 'Very sorry, sir,' said the landlord, 'but I'm afraid we can't manage it.' Oh, well, never mind, said George, two will do.' Harris thought George and I could sleep in one bed very easily.' Very sorry, sir,' again repeated the landlord, 'but we really haven't got a bed vacant in the whole house. In fact, we are putting two, and even three gentlemen in one bed as it is'. Harris rose to the occasion an, laughing cheerily, said, 'Oh well, we must rough it, you must give us a shake-down in the billiard room. 'Very sorry, sir. Three gentlemen sleeping on the billiard table already and two in the coffee-room. can't possibly take you in tonight.' 

The crew went into the Stag after getting soaked by another downpour. However one thing that blighted our visit, without exception, was the fact every pint we ordered was a short measure and we had to ask each time for time for the glasses to be topped up. Sometimes the pints were a half an inch light. We wondered what would happen if we offered the bar staff less than the price of a pint of beer and would they accept the fact, we had not had a full price and therefore we could be expected to pay the full price. We somehow think not. “Of course, the bar staff were Eastern Europeans and” were therefore used to being robbed “snorted the First Mate. The young barman, but not a patch on our own dear Cabin Boy”, kindly offered, after instructions from the Captain, to take our pictures .The Captain previewed the pictures and  exclaimed that the barman had only managed to ruin two of the three photographs that he taken and even the good one had part of thumb print on it.. Clearly he hadn’t understood the Captain’s simple instructions regarding the use of the camera. The First Mate gigged and said” He could always be Simple Simon’s eastern European cousin I suppose”.

Phil engaged one of the locals in conversation about the history of the pub, only to find, that he speaking to a latent cross-dresser, Iain Campbell, a true Scot.

188. Datchet , the Village Idiot and County Identities

When we arrived at Datchet we were cold, wet and hungry and we could certainly agree that in the early 1800s the village was known as Black Datchet but we later found that not because of the weather, but because the jail at Aylesbury was filled with poachers from Datchet.

We couldn’t see a pub or a village green within view along the river bank but could see a fisherman who looked like his mind was in permanent neutral. The Captain asked him did he know where the two pubs on The Green where and was told “No I don’t live here; I live a couple of miles down the road close to Eton”. Would you believe in this day and age that this village idiot, which he evidently was, hadn’t ventured into a town a couple of miles downriver .The Captain believed beyond any shadow of a doubt that the bloke was a sub, for when he asked him “How did you get here then ?“My mum dropped me off over there and I walked along that path and across the grass to get here” replied the sub. The Captain turned his back on the sub and said “That bloke’s a bloody, stupid idiot”. The sub shouted out “I heard that, I may be stupid but I ain’t lost”.

We walked a little further towards the church and stopped the next person coming along, and it turned out to be Mr.Graham Heaver, the clerk to Datchet Parish Council.He pointed up a small lane and said” That’s where you’ll find the village if you’re wanting a beer”. The inquisitive Cabin Boy asked the clerk and asked did the river divide the counties ? “, and was quite impressed when Graham told us that “In 1974 the village was in Oxfordshire and now it is in Berkshire. New administrative counties were created, but these did not affect the boundaries of the ancient and geographical counties and the boundaries of Lancashire remained unaltered. However, because the media began to refer to these new administrative counties instead of continuing to use the names and identities of the geographical counties, some people were misled into thinking that they had been moved over night into a new county. The counties of this country are an integral part of our history and culture and it is essential that their true identity is preserved. Until 1974 the identities of most of the ancient and geographical counties of the United Kingdom had remained essentially unaltered for over a thousand years. Very little needs to be done to undo the damage to this county identity that has occurred since 1974, but unless steps are taken now, we run the risk of losing this very important part of our heritage. You can help by always referring to the geographical county in which you live, not the administrative county”.

Billy replied “Thanks for such a lengthy answer old boy, but how come you know so much about it then?””Well when you’ve retired you need a hobby so I did an OU degree and one of my final year projects concerned such matters, so what hobbies have do you old boys have ? “inquired the Parish clerk.” Billy smiled and said” Apart from talking to such interesting people like you, we like all the usual…sex ,drugs, rock and roll, touring and exploring the English countryside “.The First Mate added” Visiting quiet little villages, getting pissed in the pubs and taking the piss out of the locals just like that village idiot over there on the river bank”. The Parish clerk turned around and said” Oh, Simon over there is harmless, was involved in a accident with a tractor a few years ago”. Billy couldn’t help himself, yet again, and asked “What happened then?”.” I was not living here at the time but I heard that Simon get pissed on scrumpy cider one night in the Stag, and decided to drive the tractor home that old man Hill had left parked outside, and Simon being Simon, put the tractor into reverse and, in doing so knocked down a telephone box, a post box and finally crashed into a local butcher’s shop, and in doing so suffered some head injuries”. That was the trigger; the Captain just couldn’t help himself any longer and quoted”

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair

Said Simple Simon to the pie man “What have you got there?”

“Pies you stupid little twit, what else do think I’ve got?” said the man”.

187. Bells of Ousley

The Bells of Ousley was one of the waterside hostelries visited by the original Men in a Boat and because they had got soaked during their journey, the crew decided to take shelter in this establishment at eleven o’clock in the morning.

In the book it is described  it is said to be situated  on  A shady road, dotted here and there with dainty little cottages, runs by the bank up to the "Bells of Ouseley," a picturesque inn, as most up- river inns are, and a place where a very good glass of ale may be drunk. Now let’s examine what is like today. The road on which it lies is on the main road from Staines to Windsor, the old pub has been mostly knocked down and is now part of the Harvester Chain of Inns and Pubs.

 The pub did serve up some excellent ales and were served by a really happy bunny of a bar maid called Julie or Julie the Pierced , for she had a small stud in her cheek and a  tongue stud which the First Mate noticed. The Captain asked the First mate “What’s she got her tongue pierced for then? “Got to be something sexual I reckon”, he replied.

The Captain told Julie that “She looked like the actress Samantha Janus, a bit” and she asked “Who’s that then?”. Billy interrupted and said “You know, she’s in East Enders” “Not that Dot Cotton, I hope” said Julie”.”No she’s playing Dot’s mum”, Billy laughingly replied. To add to the jollity of the moment, the Captain took off his soaking wet coat to reveal that he was wearing only a   thermal vest and a pair of Y-fronts.”Sorry “he said “I got dressed in such a hurry this morning and Billy said” He’s losing his marbles and we’ve only brought him out of the old folks home for the day,   is there a special place where he can sit then?” The Captain smiled and said ”Yes Billy”, what about sitting  me on Julie’s knee? “.The Cabin Boy asked  “How did the pub get it’s name” but none of the bar staff or the manger knew the answer.We looked on all the walls in the entire pub but could find no explanations as to the pub name”.

A guy, a typical looking rambler, ambled up to the bar and said “Perhaps I can help you there.”There was this abbey up in Osney near Oxford and the monks decided to move the bells from the abbey to London and when the boat got here it sank it was just down there in the River.

The crew thanked Julie for being such a good sport ,the rain had stopped and headed up river towards Datchet.

186 . Magna Carta Island

Looking out across a field ,the Cabin Boy said ”It’s hard to believe that the bit of grass over there is what we have to be thankful for” The Captain and the First mate looked at each other expressionless and wondered what drugs the Boy had been on. The First mate asked “had he been on the magic mushrooms again “and the Captain added “More likely glue sniffing if you ask me”.

“No listen to me “said the Captain Boy. Being a true socialist,” That’s where it all happened and us old boys should be graceful, Magna Carta you know”.” Pray tell us about it Billy Boy “retorted the First mate.

“Well the King, that’s King Johnny One,  was getting too big for his boots and the Barons  wanted to take some of his powers away so they made him sign this piece of paper which basically consisted of about thirty  odd laws which the King would govern. .It’s a bit like today you know. But the king is like the Prime Minster  today putting  up the taxes to extortionate levels, thinking  he is  above the Pope in pecking order ,  realising that the  law is  an ass  and then trying  to make things good by the introduction of some more stupid laws and finally  not providing  value for money , and  making sure  that the value people get varies  from place to place to ensure that they don’t lose votes.

The next time I attend any public meeting concerning changes I don’t like “I’ll just shout out, “Don’t forget Magna Carta” and see what reaction it gets “said The First Mate”

The most exciting things we saw on the fields of Magna Carta were a couple of very wet canoeists and two discarded packets of Cheese and Onion flavoured crisps.

185. The Road to Hell

Just before Bell Weir Lock is the bridge that passes over the M25, commonly known at the Road to Hell. Listen to the song of the same title by Chris Rea and you’ll soon know why.

The M25 is a London Orbital Motorway and is one of Europe's busiest motorways. It   is about 100 miles in circumference and traffic moves at the grand speed of about 15 mph. And why does traffic move so slow? It is because, in their wisdom the government motorway planners in places the road is only six lanes in width causing constant bottle neck at junctions and in the case of accidents and breakdown, of which there are many, this makes the situation worse, hence this so called motorway is more like a large urban car park with the traffic going nowhere because for most of the time it is stationary.

The worst parts of the M25 are around Heathrow, the M1 and the Dartford Tunnel, and obviously the worst times for traffic are weekday mornings and Friday afternoons.

As we passed under the bridge, the Captain turned to the First Mate and asked “Do you think that gangsters really did  bury victims in those concrete support pillars?”.The First Mate replied” In the 1960’s and 1970’s there were lots of stories floating about how people ended up being buried in motorway bridges and the victims were generally supposed to be minor underworld figures who had been killed by and then conveniently disposed of by dumping them in the bridge concrete. Of course ,if it was true they’d never find bodies unless the police got permission to actually dismantled or more likely demolish the bridge in search of a possible body that belonged to a bit of human trash in the first place .Of course, it probably did happen but to prove it would be very difficult. However there was an interesting case concerning the Severn Bridge in the late sixties. Apparently one of the labourers fell into a bridge support form as the concrete was being poured and realizing that he couldn’t be saved, his fellow workers just turned a blind eye to the accident”.”Why did they do that?” asked the Cabin Boy. The First Mate replied “Well I suppose that it may have been a health and safety issue and they may have lost their jobs and even if the management had found out about it, they would have turned a blind eye just like the labourers did   about the incident, as they stood to lose huge amounts of money if the work had to be re-done.

184. Adverse Weather wear

The English weather is like some of the inmates of mental institutions, in that it is schizophrenic, one day it is good and the next day it is bad. A more accurate description is that we often experience a wide range of weather conditions within the same day. During the days boating from Staines up to Windsor, we encountered early morning fog, mist, light rain, heavy rain, thunder, lighting and bright sunshine. All these conditions were encountered over a six hour period.

When boating, it pays to carry a waterproof and on the day in question the Captain produced his wife’s very expensive waterproof jacket made by Schoffel, a known upmarket brand  that yuppies are known to prefer. The jacket having been bought from an even more upmarket county attire retailer in Hungerford-Roxtons.

So when it came to rain, the Captain adorned himself in his designer jacket only to find out that it wasn’t waterproof. Both the Cabin Boy and the First Mate pointed out “That just because a product has a designer label on it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is a guilty article”.

The Captain then said “I didn’t say it was water proof” said the Captain” I said that it was wind proof” The First Mate added” Yes you see Captain wind is often accompanied by rain and vice versa “ ,then the Captain  retorted yes Phil, bullshit and brains are often accompany each other as well, just ask then Cabin Boy. The Cabin boy laughed and said “Well then other crew members, it seems that you have them both between you and vice versa.

“Remind me what the Cabin Boy said” said the First Mate,” When we next hear him trying chat up some unsuspecting filly , accidently remind him that he is still only a Cabin Boy who has one CSE in woodwork”.