When you wish to watch a sports event on a TV in a pub in a strange town it is best to ask someone who knows the local pubs and when meandering through Marlow, the Cabin Boy stopped a couple for their advice on which pub has a TV showing sports. The chap of the couple named a couple of pubs and then gave us quick instructions on how to get there. He then changed his mind and said, “Looking at you Old Boys, maybe you would be better off going to O’Dononghue’s, it’s more your age group.”Oh you mean it doesn’t cater for young, ill-mannered twats like you then ?” added The First Mate, and the Captain chipped in with “You off to the kindergarten to play with your toys then ?, to which the Cabin Boy added “ No boys he’s still on his mother ‘s teat and she wouldn’t allow him to go out by himself, just in case he pooped in his pants” and the Cabin Boy asked the poor chap “Is that woman with you your nurse maid or nanny?”.”No,no Billy she’s probably both “ smirked the First Mate.
Yes, he was right of course. You go into these young guys pubs; they invariably don’t sell real ale but lager for louts and the non-aficionados of real ale, and don’t forget that Castle Maine XXXX stands for Castle Maine Piss. Secondly, the clientele of such pubs are full of Man U, Chelsea and Arsenal fans and finally the frequenters of these pubs have one GCSE between them, in woodwork.
On arrival in the pub, we were warmly greeted by the landlady named Eileen, and I am pleased to report that this Irish pub, previously called The Carpenters Arms, was staffed by a couple of paddy girls including Eileen herself. Shame about the spoilt image though, we didn’t see a single person drinking a pint of Guinness, Mc Caffrey’s or Murphy’s, the place as predicted ,was full of larger swigging, mainly young guys watching the football match on the telly.
The Cabin boy looked around the bar and laughed “Its funny, we’ve been here for about thirty minutes and I haven’t heard a single Irish accent this side of the bar. There’s no typical Irish food menu and because of the noise, its hardly a place to meet and chat, get pissed and then have a sing-a-long into the early hours of the morning. In my opinion, it violates the Trade Description Act. I’ve got a good mind to report them to the local trading standards office”.”Come off it Billy “argued the Captain” If that was the case every type of business in the entire country would have to be reported then “.Billy replied “I don’t understand what you are talking about, please explain. ”Well, just for starters ,look around here, see the menu, home-cooked food, yea, bought frozen at the supermarket yesterday, Guinness brewed just down the road in Reading is hardly Dublin, the signs outside with six-leafed clovers. Moreover, look over there by the jukebox, those guys in the pinstripes suits-honest bankers, caring solicitors and humble stock brokers. Just look at those footballing fairies on the telly now, trying to convince us that they are sports superstars worth a million a year in wages, I could go on and on but I hope that you get my drift”.”I think you’ve made your point Sir” interjected John the landlord to which Phil replied “ I didn’t think we asked for your opinion old son, did we lads ?”.Rather than getting asked to leave another pub in the same evening, in the same town, we supped up and left.
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