When one comes into many big cities these days you are often greeted by graffiti on walls and litter but you would hardly expect to find litterlouts in some of the finest countryside in England but you would be wrong. When we had been walking around places like Henley and Marlow, we kept on finding litter at certain places on the river. These places were often close to the waterside and there was evidence of campfires. These beautiful waterside spots containing discarded bottles, bags, food containers and empty drinks cans.
Who could have done this? Well the answer was easy look at the evidence. Packaging labelled in some foreign language and Tyskie lager, a well-known Polish lager. Not only are these people polluting our country with their presence, they have now decided to pollute our countryside as well. Oh and to the discerning reader, this was not an isolated finding but was the norm.
The First Mate, being of a righteous disposition, wanted to go over a give a group of them a good old fashioned thrashing , but the Cabin Boy being of a nervous disposition declined the call to arms and the Captain suddenly developed selective hearing, and if only he had been twenty years younger, he would have taken on the greasy Poles by himself, alone, when suitably armed with an old pick-axe handle, which he still keeps in the car and which he still affectionately calls” Harry the Handle!”
Having had a couple of pre-dinner drinks in the riverside park, the crew marched on towards Marlow along the tow path, The First Mate looked into the river and pointed to the rubbish floating in the river and said”, Thousands of tonnes of rubbish are washed down our rivers, and waterways each year, and I read in the paper that it is estimated that more than a million of birds and mammals die each year from entanglement , or ingestion of plastics such as balloons and plastic bags. The Environmental Agency surveyed over for hundred river and canal sites and they concluded that litter was the most common cause of poor water quality and that about sixty percent of the litter was plastic.
“Didn’t you used to work in the water industry First Mate, and what would you do about all this waste in the rivers then?” .“ Well for a first minor offence, such as throwing a ciggy butt into the river, I would only chop one hand off offender ,and for a more serious offences such as discarding a used condom ,the offender would have his cock cut off, while the dumping of a plastic bag into the river would carry a mandatory death sentence” explained the First Mate. ”Jokes aside lads, we should encourage people to not throw anything into the river, use starch based rubbish bags, prevent anything from being blown overboard, recycle more, reduce waste such as refilling water bottles and don’t contaminate general waste by throwing items into the wrong containers such as chucking paint tins into a newspaper only bin”.
“I tell you what” said Billy, isn’t it funny that whenever you seen discarded beer bottles or cans ,it’s always lager and rarely ever proper ale and I reckon I know the answer chaps.”Go on then Billy enlighten us once again “said the Captain.Most lager louts are the younger group of beer drinkers who like to go out at the weekend and get really trolleyed by drinking copious amounts of Fosters or Stella Artois , after which they get aggressive or horny and want or fuck fight everybody in sight. And another thing is, the morons, who drink lager often indulge in binge drinking at the weekends and simply can’t take their booze like proper men like us, and then they show their true colours ,by indulging in all sorts of stupid and anti-social behavior such as shouting, swearing, pissing in doorways, throwing up after scoffing greasy fat-laden kebabs , and list goes on ad finitum. And another thing is, Stella Artois is to be called Artois because of the severe bad press that this particular brand receives”. The First Mate interjected and asked then Cabin boy “What does that mean then Billy?”.Billy explained , “You look through the press and it’s full of it such as “Man says sorry about kicking a Paki to death after drinking ten pints of Stella, Mr.Smith defending Mr.Slob,explained his client had drunk twelve pints of Stella”, or “Miss Slut,after drinking eight pints of Stella , had accidently strangled her aged grandmother and “ in the County Court today, Master Bates, aged twelve said “he didn’t realize that he had raped his aunt’s pet poodle after having quaffed seven pints of Stella”.
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