79. Aussies

During the trip one of the more senior members of the crew had been giving a rendition of  a few lines of  some of the bawdy songs written by the  infamous comedy song writer Australian Kevin “Bloody “ Williams .Such prestigious titles  include “Grandad’s got a boner, My Dick’s on the Dole and his favourite “Do ya fuck on first date

The crew had been discussing how we could get the later title into a conversation with a complete stranger. We initially thought that it may be possible to bring it into the general conversation with one of the Eastern European bar maids from Latvia at The Head of the River pub by Folly Bridge, but they all looked cold and stoney faced  just like their fatherland.

Opportunity presented itself later in the evening, when we heard an Australian drawl. Jimmy surveyed his target, and without any hesitation, walked straight up to this guy and said” Are you from down under? “,”Yes mate came the reply” to which Jimmy said” Do ya “ and was pleasantly relieved  when the guy beat  him  to it and said ” Fuck on first date . Yes, sorry but I’ve already got a date tonight mate”. Great laughter ensued. We were then introduced to Bruce’s two other mates and the evening continued with even more beers and ribaldry. It turned out that the Aussies  were here on a conference being held at Harwell  to do  with some aspect of water, and so Phil was then up to his chin discussing water  based topics.

All in all the Aussies were good fun to be with and we saw them leaving the pub early in the morning, of course that hadn’t been drinking there all night, they had been staying there at their company’s expense, including their bar bill.

78. Grills galore

There is a chain of pubs owned by JD Wetherspoon that provide the choice and value, in both food and drink. Both of these encourage the hungry and thirsty boat person to become more self-indulgent and Big Ol’ Boys such as Phil can really “fill their boots “in both the drinking and eating departments by a factor of two compared to more slimmer personages such as the much shorter Jimmy and hence more dense and the much taller but less dense Billy.

The Swan and Castle in Castle Street, Oxford is one of these establishments selling a range of real ales often at half price compared to conventional public houses, in essence even those of a most modest purse can easily get pissed in such a place.

The mixed grill and the even larger mixed, are indeed of such gastronomical proportions that they are not suitable for personages of a delicate disposition who don’t like seeing a plateful of dead animals adorning their plates.

77. Singles club for the elderly

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76. Lost i-phone

Hi-tech products often attract a high price premium. This is because the Japanese, the N/S Koreans and Taiwanese have learnt how to circumvent patent law to their advantage and copy all of our products. We cannot think of a single invention that these countries have invented during the technological advancement of our society in general.

True the Japanese did invent Prisoner of War Camps, the Koreans did invent the Loss of Human Rights and the Taiwanese did invent the art of plagerurism in the physical sense by learning how to copy and manufacture everything, without the use of a single brain cell and the investment of a single cent.

Such a high value article was left  charging in the men’s room at the aforesaid mentioned pub by 

a certain person who’s Christian name is found between the 1^st and 3^rd letters of the alphabet .Unnecessarily panic ensued and the  missing iPhone was found intact, and we wonder why. There was not a single Eastern European or DHSS sponger within ear-shot and why? Because there are still some pubs that have standards and one of these is honesty. Long live the Duke’s Cut in Oxford.

75. Botanists

Whoever said “that flowers are boring” was probably untrue, what they should have said was “that people who study such wonderful creations of nature are”.

After tramping around Oxford like headless chickens for an hour or so,  we eventually espied a suitable establishment in which to we could wet  our whistles .These days we doubt if the average school boy or girl either possess one or knows how to use such a long standing toy, instrument of salvation  or item of annoyance.

Fiona was the “voice” and Mike “was the brain with a leaning towards all creatures green”. Apparently they were a double act. Fiona  told us that they were “Doing the Introduction  and “Speak” to Botany classes in the Extra-Mural Department of The University of Oxford , while unassuming Mr. or probably Dr.Mike , was the botanist on hand to confirm the guide’s lack of knowledge in all matters green, growing and accounting for over half a million organisms. Prior to studying plant life, Mike being slightly deaf due to being a rampant pudding puller when a youngster, heard orgasms instead of organisms, and embarked with gusto on a botanical career.

74. Busker

Buskers are people who perform in public places for tips and gratuities, in essence musical beggars who often can’t sing or play a guitar. Most of our cities have a few  buskers and these are often found  performing in high profile places such as tunnels found on the  London Underground and tourist spots around the country such as the M1 motorway, Spaghetti junction and Vauxhall Bridge to name a few.

We listened to this guy grown for a few minutes and on taking his photograph, he said “That will be a fiver mate” .Jimmy said” I’ll give you a tip old son,”When you learn to sing I’ll learn how to put my hand in my pocket”. Billy mockingly said” I don’t suppose you’ve got change from a five pence coin have ya ?!”

73. Fork Handles

Trying to find a specific pub by name in a city such as Oxford should be a relatively simple task or so it should be provided that you can find a person who actually speaks English or better still actually understands what you are saying. The first person we spoke to, who  could actually string two words together was a young girl with a purple quiff in her hair and a ring through her , nose who didn’t know but asked her friend, a snotty nosed, spotty faced youth who “Fort is down by bacca  black buss sweet”, which roughly translated meant “thought it  was down by the back of Black Bush Street. It wasn’t surprising that they were of no help. If you had a father who was a peacock and a mother who was a pig, you would have been in the same predicament and only slightly better if your father had been a block of wood and your mother a disorientated dyslexic.

Eventually when we arrived at the Four Candles it was shut for a make-over jobbie and Billy said “Does anyone remember that Two Ronnies sketch?” asked the Captain.  The First Mate said “You mean the one where the Big Ronnie winds up the shopkeeper played by the  Little Ronnie and asks for fork handles and gets four candles and then he asks for plugs and gets plugs for the bathroom instead of electrical plugs and then he asks  for some hose and gets letter ‘O’s “Yes that’s the one” replied the Captain, “He then goes on and asks for ‘P’s and gets tins of peas instead and when he asks for pumps at the counter he gets a water pump instead of a pair of pumps” .”Great stuff eh Captain, it’s a shame that they don’t make proper TV programmes like that today”. I wonder whatever became of the Two Ronnies Captain ? The Captain answered “Ronnie Barker died about five or six years ago and I think he lived somewhere around here in Oxford and I always remember him on some chat show when he was asked “Why did you become an actor?” and he replied by saying that” I became an actor because I didn’t have a personality of my   own and I was only happy when I was someone else. And as for Ronnie Corbett, he must be pushing eighty now and  must almost be fully retired by now but I did see him hosting that  Come Dancing  show a year or so ago” .The Cabin Boy giggled out loud  and said” I bet you’ve done that a few times Phil!”.