205. Self abuse

Masturbation is still a taboo subject when it come to the foibles of people and the term “wanker “ is a modern term of abuse used universally by boaters in England both past and present. The noun wank  is the term for self-abuse or self-gratification and wanker is a person who practises this human activity of which it he best studies of this subject are now quite old. They found approximately 95% of men and about 60% of women claim to have masturbated. There is reason to think the figures for women would be higher if another comprehensive study were done today, and assuming that the statistics given are culturally constant...there are 6,000,000,000 people (given), and that 51% of the population is represented by the female gender, 49% by the male (given), and 95% of men masturbate, 60% of women (cite: Seumas). This should be sufficient to answer the question.

2,940,000,000 x 0.95 = Number of men who masturbate = 2,793,000,000

Over

3,060,000,000 x 0.60 = Number of women who masturbate = 1,836,000,000.

Thus in the world there are an awful lot of wankers.In the ensuing discussion on this common and worldwide activity, the Captain came up with terms for self abuse such as having a J.Arthur, choking the turkey and having a five finger shuffle.The First Mate went straight to jerking the gherkin, pulling the pudding,  shaking hands with the unemployed and going with Ms Thumb and her four daughters.Last but not least, the Cabin boy showed his superior knowledge of history and came up with Shakin your Sir Francis Bacon, Pinning St. Thomas Moore to the Floor, Negotiating a separate peace with Thomas a-Beckett, Waving the writ of Habeas Corpus to the Sheriff of Nottingham.

After each of the crew had had their turn in describing different words or sayings for masturbation, the Captain said I remember one April Fool’s day a few years ago reading a bit of a spoof article in some magazine like Private Eye about a passionate masturbator. Apparently a guy in London described himself as a passionate masturbator admitted that he had spiked his own drink with the date rape drug Rohypnol so that he could have his wicked way with himself.

The man  had told the police that he had deliberately set out to prey upon his own manhood by slipping the potent sedative into his own pint of beer while he wasn't looking .He said that his plan from the very outset was to take full advantage of himself while his own defences were down. When interviewed by the police he also said “I went out that night really looking for some old fashioned self-abuse  when I saw this hottie bit of hand leaning on the bar, I slipped myself a pill , and the next thing I knew I was taking myself back to my pad for a quick one” The police described the man as one of a number of predatory masturbators who are currently operating in pubs in and around London. In fact it’s fair to say that most London pubs and bars are full of wankers” said a police spokesperson.