160. Kingfisher Pub and Mr.Richard Cranium

The Kingfisher pubs stands  by the 18th century stone Chertsey Bridge, with a garden overlooking the Thames and is where we stopped for light refreshment consisting of a few beers, maybe five but who’s counting, and because of its position  on the banks of  the  River Thames.

This place is an absolute disaster. The bar service is a disgrace. When we visited this place, we had a job to get  served, after ten minutes of waiting , we  then had the bright idea of standing separately at different parts of the bar, each of us holding up a banknote in the belief that one of us might be able to order a double round to avoid the wait being repeated. All three of us stood at the bar while watching others who had arrived after us jump the queue (the cardinal sin in bar ethics).It was only when the First Mate said loudly “This must be that pub that employs deaf, dumb and blind bar staff Captain”, that we got eventually caught the eye of one of the bar staff.

This guy asked The First Mate “What he wanted?”The First Mate said, “Sorry I’m deaf can you repeat it?”The bar man turned to Billy and asked him “Do you know what your friend wants to order?” Yes, I think I know what he wants but I can’t tell you because I’m dumb” and just to wind him up even more, the Captain asked the barman” I don’t suppose you can tell us what beers you have on tap, because I can’t see the pumps “.The bar man, Freddie half-laughed and I said “I’ll go and see the manger if there’s any jobs going for you three blokes if you like”.”I’ll tell you what I’d like, I’d like a decent bit of service right night and   three pints of that Old Hookey, before it becomes a collector’s item “exclaimed the Cabin Boy.”And I’ll tell you gentlemen what I want in my pub is a group of gentlemen who know how to behave themselves” said a guy from behind the bar.”In addition, whom may you be Sir ? “ asked the Cabin Boy.”I am Dick the landlord “. Replied the guy from over the bar. Billy turned side wards to the Captain and whispered “I dare you Captain, ask him is his surname Head?”The Captain wanting to capitalise on what the Cabin Boy said, asked the guy behind the bar “The Cabin Boy was asking, kindly, of course Sir, if you would be the same Dick Head, who used to live in Inkpen, near Hungerford?”.Before he had time to reply, the First Mate came in and said,”No gentlemen, that guy Dick Head from Inkpen, is not such a big dickhead as this Dick Head?”In like Flynn and not to give Mr.Richard Cranium, a chance to reply and ask us to leave, the Captain said ” I say my good chap, I expect that this excellent country pub of yours has an interesting history, perhaps you could tell us some of it?”.”Well “said Dick,” there is not a lot to tell really, originally it was called the Chertsey Lock, because was close to the lock and after a while it changed its name to the Lock Haven, because the pub was situated on the banks of the Thames.”Well thanks for such an entertaining account of your spectacular hostelry “the First Mate said  sarcastically.

. Outside as we walked across the road to our boat, the Captain asked the First Mate “Do you think that Dick guy in the pub knew you were taking the piss out of him in there.”.”Well I don’t give a flying fuck “said the First Mate,” and if he did, he should have immediately recognised that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence. And what’s more I didn’t get the chance to rub salt into his wounds and tell him about the demise of the pub with the same name at Shillingford , and ask him did he used to run that one as well.”Just as well you didn’t First Mate; it would have been the third or fourth pub that we have been chucked out in a matter of days”.