As we were entering Boveney lock, the Captain asked the crew “What are those white railings are about?” “To keep the rabbits off the grass” came the reply from the First Mate. “Must be bloody great big rabbits seeing that those fences are about four feet high and the posts are about ten feet apart but hold on “said Billy laughingly.”Maybe the place was nuked years ago and now there is a breed of Mega big Bugs Bunnies running all over the place. Of course the Captain now realised two things; the railings were part of Windsor Racecourse and, The Cabin Boy and The First Mate, like Yogi bear were smarter than the average bear or should we say rabbit.
The crew now contemplated for a few minutes over horseracing. The Captain being one of the scientists amongst the crew and being “a fact man” said that if the crew were horses being run at speed in order to determine the fastest beast that he would win hands down and then gave his explanation.”Phil he said was overweight, couldn’t stop every two minutes for a drink, Billy would be too easily distracted by all those finely dressed fillies in the members enclosure ,and would worry too much about the effects of gambling on the National Debt, that he would forget what the purpose of the race was in the first place.
The racecourse at Windsor , or should we call it by its proper name, the Royal Windsor, has a couple of peculiarities about it. In the first instance it is the only a figure of eight in shape racecourse and the second is , people think that it has it is as old as the hills but in reality ,racing only started there in the 1860’s.
Billy the cabin boy turned to the Captain and asked “ I say Captain, why is horse racing called the “Sport of Kings” ?.The Captain answered “ I suppose because its only the aristocracy and the only people who can afford it in the first place and as commoners Billy, that rules of commoners out of the picture straight away.”
The First Mate injected “Well I’m glad I’m not an aristocratic racehorse owner ‘ cos I think its damn cruel. People had no idea what happens to those poor creatures. You’d be surprised how many of those animal die. I was listening to this trainer at Newbury Racecourse only last week on the tele, who referred to his horses as pets. He must have thought that all of us watching the tele, were cretins just like him. Oh yea, it is sure great to see one of your beloved pets break its neck in front of thousands of pissed up drunks. And, as regards those short arses called jockeys, they love their trusty steeds so much, that when they start to flag because of severe exhaustion, they get out their whips and give their loved one a good trashing. No not in my book, racing is not the Sport of Kings, but a sport full of unscrupulous animal sadists who only participate in it for monetary gain.Its their masters and owners who should be whipped to within an inch of their lives, if you ask me”.
“But what about the racing and betting industries First Mate “asked the Cabin Boy. ”Well I can’t really see what they contribute to society.”The First Mate laughed and said “Those little jockeys provide alternatives in the marriage stakes for Porgs (persons of restrictive growth) and , of course when stood close to you in a pub, you can conveniently rest your pint of beer on top of their heads. Don’t forget if you ever get a blow job from a female jockey, you can remain stood up whilst drinking your pint and , watching the tele at the same time.
“As regards the betting industry Billy, just visit William Hills or one of the other bookies found in the high streets of most towns , and look at the sort of people that the betting industry attracts. You’ll see, a gang of losers, often unemployed , smoking and gambling their ill-begotten social security money, just before going into a local boozer”
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