Just below Shepperton lock is a small island which is called D’Oyly Carte Island and what a strange name you may say. Well people with strange forenames or surnames often grow up to be weird and people with weird names are often the children of weirdos who are invariably rock stars or actors .Examples include Frank Zappa’s daughter Diva Muffin, Bob Geldolfs daughter Fifi Trixebell, Sting’s daughter Fuchsia and Sly Stallone’s daughter Sage Moonblood .
D'Oyly Carte Island is named after the previous owner Richard D'Oyly Carte who owned a large house and garden on the island but unfortunately for the reader there is nothing really weird to be said about D'Oyly Carte except that he had a macabre sense of humour and kept a pet crocodile on the island for amusement.
As we passed D’Oyly Carte Island, the First Mate asked “I read in a Thames Guide book a few years ago that the guy who owned that island was a producer of the Gilbert and Sullivan operas in Victorian times “.The Cabin boy became illuminated and said “Yes, Captain when we were at school, did you ever take part in any of those musicals run by grumpy old Ron McKinnon?” ”Yes “came the reply from the Captain” I once took part in the comic opera “The Pirates of Penzance “and played one of the pirates but unfortunately not one of the pirates who ended up with one of the Major General’s daughter’s “.”Why didn’t you get a lead role then Captain “asked the First Mate.”Well for a start ,when auditioning I couldn’t remember my lines ,secondly Billy, if you remember I had a speech impediment then, and I could see all my mates taking the piss out of me every time I fluffed and stammered my lines, and finally I could never fancy any girl called Mabel or Ruth, whether real or imaginary. But I did get my revenge so to speak in another school play. I auditioned for the king in Henry IV, and was giving an enthusiastic rendition of “Once more into the breach dear friends once more”, took out my sword waved it about, and accidentally knocked the head off some years precious, old school statue. It was even funnier because the head of the statue fell off the pedestal rolled across the stage floor and down the steps. I shouted out something like “fuck me” and the Head Master ,Bas Cooper, heard me swear and screamed out something like “Whittaker that’s blasphemy ,get to my office straight away. He gave me a letter to be taken home and signed by parents to the effect that they consented to corporal punishment. In due time , I was summoned to the Head Master’s office to receive six of the best .In the office, there was Seedy Sutton, the Deputy Head who proceeded to cane me whilst I was bent over a chair. I lost count on the fifth stroke and stood up and in doing so received the sixth and final stroke right across my face. I cried out in agony a string of at least six expletives including the C-word. The Head just turned to me, as I wiped my eyes and said James, let that be a lesson to you and don’t forget you should only use those words on the rugger field and not inside the school”.
“Well Billy said the Captain, “that’s my contribution to school plays, what about you Billy, did you ever take part in any of the school plays. “Yes Captain, speaking of Gilbert and Sullivan, I took part in HMS Pinafore. I played the part of Able Seamen Dick Deadeye and I had to sing in a couple of songs .Not very interesting really but we did have a chance to meet some of the chicks from the girl’s grammar school over the back fence. Ah yes , that brings back a few memories ,behind the old bicycle sheds for a quick ciggy, and a quick look at Health and Efficiency magazine featuring all those nudists. Looking back on it, those Gilbert and Sullivan operas where funny and quite catchy”.
“It’s your turn next First Mate, did you ever take part in school theatricals”.” Not bloody likely, like you pair of fairies. I took an active part in proper boys’ activities such as all types of sports…rugger, athletics, cross-country running and boxing”. The Captain smiled and said “Don’t forget tiddlywinks, pass the parcel and blind man’s bluff, First Mate”.
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