160. Kingfisher Pub and Mr.Richard Cranium

The Kingfisher pubs stands  by the 18th century stone Chertsey Bridge, with a garden overlooking the Thames and is where we stopped for light refreshment consisting of a few beers, maybe five but who’s counting, and because of its position  on the banks of  the  River Thames.

This place is an absolute disaster. The bar service is a disgrace. When we visited this place, we had a job to get  served, after ten minutes of waiting , we  then had the bright idea of standing separately at different parts of the bar, each of us holding up a banknote in the belief that one of us might be able to order a double round to avoid the wait being repeated. All three of us stood at the bar while watching others who had arrived after us jump the queue (the cardinal sin in bar ethics).It was only when the First Mate said loudly “This must be that pub that employs deaf, dumb and blind bar staff Captain”, that we got eventually caught the eye of one of the bar staff.

This guy asked The First Mate “What he wanted?”The First Mate said, “Sorry I’m deaf can you repeat it?”The bar man turned to Billy and asked him “Do you know what your friend wants to order?” Yes, I think I know what he wants but I can’t tell you because I’m dumb” and just to wind him up even more, the Captain asked the barman” I don’t suppose you can tell us what beers you have on tap, because I can’t see the pumps “.The bar man, Freddie half-laughed and I said “I’ll go and see the manger if there’s any jobs going for you three blokes if you like”.”I’ll tell you what I’d like, I’d like a decent bit of service right night and   three pints of that Old Hookey, before it becomes a collector’s item “exclaimed the Cabin Boy.”And I’ll tell you gentlemen what I want in my pub is a group of gentlemen who know how to behave themselves” said a guy from behind the bar.”In addition, whom may you be Sir ? “ asked the Cabin Boy.”I am Dick the landlord “. Replied the guy from over the bar. Billy turned side wards to the Captain and whispered “I dare you Captain, ask him is his surname Head?”The Captain wanting to capitalise on what the Cabin Boy said, asked the guy behind the bar “The Cabin Boy was asking, kindly, of course Sir, if you would be the same Dick Head, who used to live in Inkpen, near Hungerford?”.Before he had time to reply, the First Mate came in and said,”No gentlemen, that guy Dick Head from Inkpen, is not such a big dickhead as this Dick Head?”In like Flynn and not to give Mr.Richard Cranium, a chance to reply and ask us to leave, the Captain said ” I say my good chap, I expect that this excellent country pub of yours has an interesting history, perhaps you could tell us some of it?”.”Well “said Dick,” there is not a lot to tell really, originally it was called the Chertsey Lock, because was close to the lock and after a while it changed its name to the Lock Haven, because the pub was situated on the banks of the Thames.”Well thanks for such an entertaining account of your spectacular hostelry “the First Mate said  sarcastically.

. Outside as we walked across the road to our boat, the Captain asked the First Mate “Do you think that Dick guy in the pub knew you were taking the piss out of him in there.”.”Well I don’t give a flying fuck “said the First Mate,” and if he did, he should have immediately recognised that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence. And what’s more I didn’t get the chance to rub salt into his wounds and tell him about the demise of the pub with the same name at Shillingford , and ask him did he used to run that one as well.”Just as well you didn’t First Mate; it would have been the third or fourth pub that we have been chucked out in a matter of days”.

159. Chavs, Chavettes, Chavish, and Chaviots

As we approached Staines Bridge, it just clouded over and started to heavily rain so we pulled over and moored upstream of the bridge.

The Captain said “Do you lads know anything about Staines then?”.”Nothing much” replied the Cabin Boy “Except for Staines is  the home town of the famous Ali G, and features in his  famous  "Ali G in da house". It has a cinema, some middle class shops and a skate park. Nobody who lives in Staines ever amounts to much or goes anywhere particularly interesting. The town is twinned with Melun in France, because nobody sane has ever heard about or cares about either of these places”

The First Mate said “However Billy ,you’re forgetting that  Staines is  famed  for one thing”, “and what on earth could that possible be O Wise One” asked Billy the Cabin Boy”.” Well it has    the highest   chav population in the world,” replied the First Mate.

 “So what is a chav then,? “ asked Billy.” The First Mate said “A chav  is anyone  wearing any kind of Burberry clothing  and generally  refers to youth usually, although not necessarily in his or her teens who has an undying belief that they are the hardest and coolest individual to have ever walked this planet. The male chav is distinguishable by his bright colours and imitation gold jewelry which he uses to attract chavettes . Any eye contact will be met with a tirade of abuse assuming the chav is with his herd”.The Captain asked “ Can we  assume that  a chavette is a girl chav then ?”.”Correct Captain “said the First Mate.”A chavette is  female chav who is distinguishable by the use of earrings resting on her shoulders, very inappropriate clothing, and a pram. Chavettes are very rarely seen on their own and prefer to hang around with the dominant chav in their herd, usually the father of their child. 

Chavish  is the dialect of the chav. Believing that he is a bad boy gangsta rapper, the chav or chavette will converse with others in a secret language. Scientists have been working for years on trying to decipher chavish but to no avail. Other than swear words that you will manage to pick out, you will not understand any of this tirade; simply assume it’s not pleasant and probably involves your parents and a dog.”.”Very interesting Phil, but can you give us an example then?”.”OK here goes lads” and in his best and very realistic chavish the First Mate said  ”ere dean wats that nigga lookin at-ee is ganna get a beatin-dere be blood on da floor man. oi faggot you startin or wha? yo mumma got banged up by ma dog hoe.”.The Cabin Boy sniggered in his usual way and said “Didn’t take much for you to sound like one of them did it, you sure you’re not from Staines yourself First Mate?”.”Billy”, the First Mate replied” You’d better shut up before I shut you up ,and don’t forget it was you who wanted to know all about Chav’s in the first”.”Sorry Big Fella, only joking, please continue” said the Cabin Boy.The First mate continued “Commonly thought to be of inferior intellect, the Chavette surprises us with its cunning plan to avoid taking up any form of career of employment  and provide itself with free accommodation supplied by tax payers by spawning multi- coloured mini chavs at a early stage in life, usually in their  mid teens. 

Clearly recognisable by their distinctive tribal Burberrys, Chavs congregate in town centres such as in Staines  and on street corners, Chavs have a reputation of being creative with public property and motor vehicles, building themselves Chaviots out of Mechano sets and strip lighting, and providing us with humorous banter written on toilet walls like ‘Shit’ and ‘Tasha woz ere’ in an attempt to relieve our boredom while urinating. 

Their language is a basic form of English thus avoiding any words they cannot spell or pronounce, even to the extent of creating new words only they know the meaning of. 

Hunting in large groups Chavs will single out the weakest, smallest prey and attack it without mercy avoiding any personal injury and insuring victory. 

Chavs unfortunately don't yet fall into the category of rodent and in effect cannot be bludgeoned to death under the guise of pest control. More’s the pity.

I think I speak for everyone when I say thank you Chavs for the great contribution you’ve made to this country, you’ve made it what it what it is today – a shit hole. In short,  a chav is  a sub species of human .And that Billy  ends your education on Chavs ” said the First Mate.The First Mate sat down smiling and adopting a gron of self satisfaction”.The Captain turned and whisperd to the Cabin Boy “Thank fuck Billy we didn’t ask him about the virtues of being English, we’d have still have been here in a week’s time”.

158. Eton College

Privilege today still exists and Eton College is such an example of what money can buy. In some ways it's just another school, albeit a school with a very unusual uniform, and with fees of over £25,000 a year, plus another few thousand for extras. It is thus   generally only for the sons of the rich and the famous. For example did you know that nineteen British Prime Ministers have attended this school including today’s leader of the British Coalition government- David Cameron?

In the good old days, corporal punishment was rife and erring boys could be beaten at the stroke of a cane, first year boys called fags would be personal servants and slaves for older boys performing such duties as like stoking the fire in their rooms, running errands, warming up  cold toilet seats. Entrance to Eton was achieved by your parents putting your name down the day you were born accompanied by a large donation to the school fund. These practices, although many people consider them to be  illegal are long gone and their demise has probably been caused by the politically correct and namby-  pamby parts of our society.

157. Lizzie’s place and the Uniqueness of the English Language

As one approaches Windsor after the bridge and you look ahead Windsor Castle is omni-present and occupies most of the landscape. You know the phrase that an Englishman’s home is his castle, well Windsor Castle signifies everything good and hence everything English.

Windsor Castle, is the largest and oldest occupied castle in the world, and is one of the official residences of Her Majesty The Queen, the others are Buckingham Palace in London,  the Palace of Holyroodhouse in Edinburgh, Scotland. She also has Private residences: Sandringham in Norfolk, England and Balmoral Castle in Aberdeenshire, Scotland not to mention many unofficial and unoccupied residences. Denis Skinner a left-wing  M.P,  and known as The Beast of Bolsover, once described it as “The largest council house in England and the Queen lives in it at our expense!”

The Castle's dramatic site encapsulates 900 years of British history. It covers an area of 26 acres and contains, as well as a royal palace, a magnificent chapel and the homes and workplaces of a large number of people and for mere seventeen pounds you also can visit it in all its glory.

Windsor Castle is home to the home of the Windsor family and by this we mean the Royalty of Great Britain and Ireland .Amongst this family are the princes soon to be kings in the future who are interested in extreme sports while trying to promote world peace,   and at the same time, are engaged in active service in the armed services.

The First Mate said “Many people around the world are very envious  of our English Heritage , and of course, most of them who try to speak English make a complete fool of themselves. But the real beauty of the English Language is the derivation of all the   phrases or sayings which are in everyday use, and I don’t believe that any other language is so rich in this respect.

The Cabin Boy asked the First Mate “Can you give us some examples then?”.”It will be my pleasure Billy Boy.

Well what about “piss poor “ for a starter .Many years ago they used to use urine to tan animal hides,  and a family would piss into a pot and use it for tanning. But if a family had to do this in order to survive they were said to be “piss poor”. And furthermore, if people were so poor that they couldn’t afford a pot to store their family’s urine in, they were said to that poor that “they didn’t have a pot to piss in. You just imagine living in a house with an evil smelling piss pot standing in the corner 24/7.In the 1500’s ,people only used to bath once a year and this was generally in May.”” But why in May?” asked the Cabin Boy”.”Well most weddings used to take place in the month of June in those olden days, and they wanted to still smell nice by June but to make sure that the bride still smelled nice, she used to carry a “bouquet of flowers”. The Captain interrupted with “More likely to hide her body odour and even today’s, brides still carry a bouquet of flowers on their wedding day.”.” I was about to tell The Boy that, before you rudely interrupted Captain”.”Sorry about that old boy” replied the Captain, ”Please continue”.”OK “ said the First Mate. “All those years ago, bath day was family affair. A big tub would be filled with water and the man of the house would have the privilege of bathing first. After him,  it would be the sons of the family followed by the wives and children. Finally it would be the turn of the babies. You just imagine what colour the water would be have been when it came to a baby’s turn. And that’s where that saying “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water comes from”.

There’s lots more I could tell you about “.”Ah go on Phil” tell us some more” asked the Cabin Boy”.”Ok Billy as long as you sit still and don’t piss with pants or in your case your panties, with excitement. Years ago people didn’t live in houses with roofs made of rafters and tiles and the roofs merely consisted of straw bundles packed together. Well if a family kept cats and dogs these critters would find warm and comfort , by sleeping in these bundles of straw used in the roof. Now when it rained heavily, the straw became slippery and these animals would suddenly fall though the roof onto people under the roof, and hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs”. To prevent these animals and other forms of crap from falling onto you in bed, the richer folk  had four-poster beds with canopies fitted so that their beds remained relatively clean. The poor people who couldn’t afford these canopies were said to be “dirt poor”.

The weathy  had slate floors which would get wet in winter,  and to prevent people from falling arse over tit, they would cover the floor with thresh, which is an old word for straw. Over the winter months , more  straw would gradually be added , and to prevent it from traveling outside a piece of wood was placed across the  door entrance to the house. This piece of wood was called  “a threshold.” Well that tells you about some of the living conditions gentlemen, would you like to hear about some of the eating habits of our ancestors. ? ”Whoever said history was boring, must have been a wanker “ cried out the Captain.”Go on First Mate, fill your boots with more of this”.

The First Mate continued.”Sometimes people could obtain some pork, which made them feel quite important, so when visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show it off. This was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring the bacon home”. They would cut off a little to share with guests. Because pork is quite a fatty meat, people would sit around the fire and “chew the fat”

When people used to buy bread from shops or from a local mill, the bread was divided according to status. Workers. mostly agricultural labourers or ag labs as they were known, got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “the upper-crust”

Those with money could afford to buy plates made of pewter but, food with high acid content would etch out some of the lead to leach into the food, causing lead poisoning, and sometimes death.  This type of poisoning happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

People would go around their friends houses for a few beers , and sometimes they would have their drinks served from lead cups .On their way back home, they sometimes collapsed from the combined effects of lead poisoning and being pissed .Now, someone walking along the road might find someone laying in the gutter or in the middle of the road and would take them for  being dead and  then prepare them for burial. The alleged corpse would be laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink,  and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence, the custom of “holding a wake”

As you know England is such a  small country for example in comparisons to India, China or even the USA  and  local folks in England, started running out of places  suitable burying people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.  When these coffins were re-opened, it was found that 1 out of 25 coffins had scratch marks on the inside and then realised they had been burying people alive.  So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (hence the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered  to be a “dead ringer”

156. Windsor Racecourse and The Sport Of Kings

As we were entering Boveney lock, the Captain asked the crew “What are those white railings are about?” “To keep the rabbits off the grass” came the reply from the First Mate. “Must be bloody great big rabbits seeing that those fences are about four feet high and the posts are about ten feet apart but hold on “said Billy laughingly.”Maybe the place was nuked years ago and now there is a breed of Mega big Bugs Bunnies running all over the place. Of course the Captain now realised two things; the railings were part of Windsor Racecourse and,   The Cabin Boy and The First Mate, like Yogi bear were smarter than the average bear or should we say rabbit.

The crew now contemplated for a few minutes over horseracing. The Captain being one of the scientists amongst the crew and being “a fact man” said that if the crew were horses being run at speed in order to determine the fastest beast that he would win hands down and then gave his explanation.”Phil he said was overweight, couldn’t stop every two minutes for a drink, Billy would   be too easily distracted by all those finely dressed fillies in the members enclosure ,and would worry too much about the effects of gambling on the National Debt, that he would forget  what the purpose of the race was in the first place.

The racecourse at Windsor , or should we call it by its proper name, the Royal Windsor, has a couple of peculiarities about it. In the first instance it is the only a figure of eight in shape racecourse and the second is , people think that it has it is as old as the hills but in reality ,racing only started there in the 1860’s.

Billy the cabin boy turned to the Captain and asked “ I say Captain, why is horse racing called the “Sport of Kings” ?.The Captain answered “ I suppose because  its only the aristocracy and the only people who can afford it in the first place and as commoners Billy, that rules of commoners out of the picture straight away.”

The First Mate injected “Well I’m glad I’m not an aristocratic racehorse owner ‘ cos I think its damn cruel. People had no idea what happens to those poor creatures. You’d  be surprised how many of those animal die. I was listening to this trainer at Newbury Racecourse only last week on the tele, who referred to his horses as pets. He must have thought that all of us watching the tele, were cretins just like him. Oh yea, it is sure great to see one of your beloved pets break its neck in front of thousands of pissed up drunks. And, as regards those short arses called jockeys, they love their trusty steeds so much, that when they start to flag because of severe exhaustion, they get out their whips and give their loved one a good trashing. No not in my book, racing is not the Sport of Kings, but a sport full of unscrupulous animal sadists who only participate in it for monetary gain.Its their masters and owners who should be whipped to within an inch of their lives, if you ask me”.

“But what about the racing and betting industries First Mate “asked the Cabin Boy. ”Well I can’t really see what they contribute to society.”The First Mate laughed and said “Those little jockeys provide  alternatives in the marriage stakes for Porgs (persons of restrictive growth) and , of course when stood close to you in a pub, you can conveniently rest your pint of beer on top of their heads. Don’t forget if you ever get a blow job from a female jockey, you can remain stood  up whilst drinking your pint and , watching the tele at the same time.

“As regards the betting industry Billy, just  visit William Hills or one of the other bookies found in the high streets of most towns , and look at the sort of people that the betting industry attracts. You’ll see, a gang of losers, often unemployed , smoking and gambling their ill-begotten social security money, just before going into a local boozer”

155. St.Mary Magdalene and Unnatural Acts

As we moved towards Boveney, there is a funny looking church because it looks more like a granary or another type of farm building.

Another interesting fact about this church is that it has been built on a remote part of the Thames and lies some distance from the actual village of Boveney .Due to its remoteness is probably why it has been used in many TV series such as Inspector Morse and Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.

When talking to a local we found out that about 6 or 7 years ago the church was declared redundant to the needs of the Church of England and it was given to the Friends of the Friendless Churches whose mission is to repair and conserve churches for sinners like the crew of the Lorna II.

Major repair works have  recently been carried out on the tower to try to restore the church and like a lot of church projects , they are always  trying to raise funds and now due to even more cut backs by the government the chances of such old, historic buildings getting funding is becoming more and more remote.

Leaving the church behind, the Captain looked back and said “ A great place to bring girlfriends back after a Saturday night dance for a quick bit of you know what”, “More like a couple of sheep I reckon,   but don’t forget to wear  your wellies “ echoed “The Cabin Boy.

The First Mate  made his contribution  by saying, I reckon during this voyage we must have touched on sheep several times , I don’t know why but us guys find sheep of interest, perhaps you can give us your ideas on it  Billy?”.

“Its quite a difficult question, but in my opinion ,they are of interest from  humanitarian, religious,  and  of course, sexual aspects. You see there was this guy called Richard Whately who was some Oxford Don, who later became the Archbishop of Dublin,who  was renowned for his  logic and rhetoric, and because of these two personal qualities he was a great talker who liked to provoke interesting discussions. Well one of his thought provoking sayings was “Men are like sheep, of which a flock is more easily driven than a single one”. And, then there was that Greek guy Alexander the Great who came up with “I am not afraid of an army of lions led by a sheep; I am afraid of an army of sheep led by a lion.”.Throughout history, there had been many phrases or sayings about men which express the many foibles of human behavior.

Moving onto the religious elements of sheep  next, most of the quotes in the Bible such as” Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravaging wolves.”, which really means a wolf is always wolf, which I suppose is  just common sense. But the most famous one I reckon is from Roman’s I think which says “For the sake we are killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep to the slaughter.” The First Mate asked “What exactly does that mean then Billy?”Billy replied,”Well it means that if we are to really have any impact on the world, and become devout Christians, we are to die for our human desires such as fame, success, wealth and sex, and really pay attention to what really matters to God”. The First Mate mocked “Well what really matters to your imaginary friend, God then Billy.” Simple things Phil, like sharing the Gospel, speaking out against sin,, and speaking up for righteousness, no matter what the consequences”.

The Captain called the crew to order.”Now then lads ,let’s forget that God Squad stuff and talk about something more close to hand like those sheep in that meadow over there”.”Oh, I suppose I should complete my little chat   about sheep and sex then “.” Go on then Billy give us your deliberations “.” No need to really, its already been done before.  There was this American professor called Kinsey who ran a research project in the late 1940’s on human sexuality and produced some statistic that stated that over 40% of farm boys had dabbled about with bestiality”.”And Billy” said the Captain “There’s always that the American Novelist Mark Twain who quoted “There’s lies, damned lies and statistics”.”Wrong once “; pronounced the First Mate ,”It was Benjamin Disraeli”.”Christ First Mate”, what’s with you and that guy Disraeli, for that’s the second or third time that his name has come up during this trip”.

The First Mate pitched into the conversation with  “ I say Billy “ How are your friends  Baaaab,  Baabaara  and , Baabasil” ,the Captain added and “Don’t  forget your other mates Lambert, Lambchop and Dolly the Clone”.

“OK, as we are all now in joke mode gentlemen, tell us your best sheep joke, you go first then  First Mate “ .The First  Mate said “What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Wales?...... a leisure centre”.

“Billy you’re next.” The Cabin Boy replied, “I’m not very good at telling jokes but I’ll try “What d’ya call a guy with a hundred girlfriends… a shepherd”

“Well done Billy, very good for you, and Captain, it’s your turn next”.”Well it’s a bit rude for this time of day and seeing that we haven’t even had a drink yet but how about “What do you call a sheep without any head or legs…the world’s largest tampon”.

154. Gothics

Just before Windsor on the north bank of the Thames lays Oakley Court which is now an upmarket Hotel. It was built in 159 is a fine example of Victorian Gothic architecture.

It has quite an interesting history. It is believed that it was the English HQ of the French Resistance and more recently it has been used as a backdrop for many films and, in particular horror films such as The Reptiles, Brides of Dracula, The Plague of the Zombies and Now the Screaming starts. On a lighter note it has also been used in the Old Dark House and the TV series Pie in the Sky.

When it was revealed to the First Mate that it had gothic tendencies, it appeared to press the right button for his remarks.

“O you mean those    whiny, pissant teenagers who crave attention  craving attention by wearing black clothes and black make-up and have a fondness for blood ,vampires and anarchy. Nothing that a good bar of soap, and a week in solitary confinement, couldn’t cure.”

“If you ask me” said the Captain” They’re  nothing but a load of troubled metal head teenagers who are obsessed with death and suicide and more’s the pity that they don’t take it more to heart and take their obsessions to their natural conclusion.”

The Cabin Boy chipped in “I must be a bit of a Goth myself because personally, I'm a huge fan of corsets, panties and pantaloons particularly when made out of black silk with purple or blood red trimmings”

154. Gothics

Just before Windsor on the north bank of the Thames lays Oakley Court which is now an upmarket Hotel. It was built in 159 is a fine example of Victorian Gothic architecture.

It has quite an interesting history. It is believed that it was the English HQ of the French Resistance and more recently it has been used as a backdrop for many films and, in particular horror films such as The Reptiles, Brides of Dracula, The Plague of the Zombies and Now the Screaming starts. On a lighter note it has also been used in the Old Dark House and the TV series Pie in the Sky.

When it was revealed to the First Mate that it had gothic tendencies, it appeared to press the right button for his remarks.

“O you mean those    whiny, pissant teenagers who crave attention  craving attention by wearing black clothes and black make-up and have a fondness for blood ,vampires and anarchy. Nothing that a good bar of soap, and a week in solitary confinement, couldn’t cure.”

“If you ask me” said the Captain” They’re  nothing but a load of troubled metal head teenagers who are obsessed with death and suicide and more’s the pity that they don’t take it more to heart and take their obsessions to their natural conclusion.”

The Cabin Boy chipped in “I must be a bit of a Goth myself because personally, I'm a huge fan of corsets, panties and pantaloons particularly when made out of black silk with purple or blood red trimmings”