Just after Marlow Lock, the boat ahead of us went into random mode because its Captain had gone into panic mode. His boat went round in a couple of circles when he was maneuver to avoid several youngsters in canoes. In the ensuing circling, he managed to hit our boat a couple of times without damaging it and, without any sort of apology just buggered off from the scene of the crime. After a couple of expletives from the First Mate aimed at the disappearing boat, the engine suddenly died with an electrical burning smell being emitted from the engine compartment, and with a full fuel tank on board. The Captain himself went into panic, just like the boater ahead of us board and cried out “Abandon ship chaps if you don’t want to get fried to a crisp, women and children first, so that means you Billy”.” Just stay calm” said the First Mate and “we’ll be alright, turn on the bilge pump, someone grab a fire extinguisher and open up the engine hatch”. As the Captain opened up the hatch, grey smoke acrid fumes came bellowing out of the engine compartment.”The First Mate looked down into the compartment and said I’ don’t think the boat is going to explode ‘cos I can’t see naked flames and there’s no need for the fire extiquisher.” .The Captain was still not convinced, and said “Yes there’s a big difference between knowing and thinking”
Luckily, for all of our sakes, he was right.
We let the boat drift towards the northern bank and dropped anchor. Phil, recognised where we where and said “ Don’t panic lads , I know where we are, there’s a boat yard about half a mile upstream towards Marlow ,called Browns and lucky for us, I have their number on my phone. I’ve used them several times before, and I know the owner a guy called Larry the Lamb, who’s an old fishing mate of mine. I’ll phone him, and ask if he can help us out “.After a two minute conversation, the First Mate smiled and said assistance is on its way. And before you ask any more of those silly questions Billy, he is Welsh, but he doesn’t get his name because he is a bit of a sheep shagger ,he gets called it because, although he’s about six six, with hands the size of plates, and a neck of that of a bull, he’s as meek and mild as a lamb, and everybody expects him to be a bit of a brute and bruiser ”. The Captain jovially added “Isn’t it good to know that everybody’s not like you, eh Big Fella?, ”The First Mate “said loudly, that’s the difference between knowing and thinking. I knew we were going to be alright but you thought that we going to be gonnas!!!, and guess what?, I was right”.
At which point, the heavens opened up.”Bloody hell” exclaimed the Captain” It never rains it always pours, just like in Florida, you can set your watch to 3’o’clock in the summer, count to ten and then it pisses down for a couple of hours, sometimes dropping five to six inches in a matter of hours.”How do they cope with so much water then Captain?”Well Billy, I ’m no expert on water management but lo and behold, we have our own expert on board in the First Mate, perhaps he can enlighten us a bit on this subject?”.”As I’ve mentioned before” said the First mate” ,Us Brits don’t realsie that you have to invest in larger drains with proper control systems in place and the Yanks have got it off to a tee. They simply excavate drainage ponds, the size of a typical English lake to accommodate the surplus water, and then turn it into a local amenity for boating and fishing or they are used simply as landscape features”. The Cabin Boy then said “Well then First Mate, if it is so simple as you suggest, why don’t we do it here them?” The First Mate explained , “If you had been listening to me a few days ago, I did explain that the sewers in London , and most large cities are not big enough to cope with large downpours and land prices are at such high premium ,and do you really think that they are going to build a series of drainage ponds just so that you can go and drown your maggot or play with your model boat ? , I don’t think so do you?”
After about twenty minutes a young guy, Mike, in a very small boat came to aid and promptly pointed out that the starter motor had burnt out. Departing with money is easy for the Captain in times of stress and gave the helpful young man a twenty quid tip and asked him to flag down a passing boat and ask them for a tow.
Meanwhile, talk about being kicked when you’re down, we were interrupted by a couple of heavies who looked after the vastly expensive country house and told us that” It was private and that the owner didn’t like people mooring outside her property”. The Captain told them in a very stern voice, ” We’ve just broken down on purpose outside your employers house, and what’s more , do you dickheads think , assuming that you have the ability to think in the first place, that we like getting drowned like rats just for the fun of it , and have accidently on, purpose just almost set our vessel alight after deliberately fiddling with the electrics ”.The ugly one of the two minders turned to the uglier of the two and said “Sid, what’s that guy just said ?” The Cabin Boy chirped up, maybe I can help you there? For your own education ,and the edification of your erstwhile friend, perhaps I may elucidate the esoteric and the pseudo-eccentricity of the potential procrastinations which you have attempted to personally purvey, in an ad hoc manner, without a firm, factual paradigm, to scientifically and statistically, without predetermined confidence limits, both upper and lower ,suggest ,that the marriage of our piffling knowledge of pyrotechnics coupled with electrical malfunction, was delivered deliberately, to effect our premature demise into the great unknown, caused by the entropic explosion that would no doubt ensue in the imminent inferno taking place in our immediate vicinity”.
Sid the Ugly, faced his mate Willy ,who looked like a weasel , shrugged his shoulders, scratched his head and said “You trying take the piss eh mate ?” .”Certainly not old bean” replied the Cabin Boy “, I wouldn’t dream of it “.”The First Mate added “my friend the Cabin boy would not dare to attempt to extract the urine from such fine fellows and you and companion, and by the way are you two fond of hospital food?
Sid The Ugly, and Willy The Weasel , realised that the First Mate, was a big, old boy who was not to be trifled with, and soon changed their tune and became almost normal for a couple of mindless monkeys and lackeys to boot, and ,wished us good luck for the rest of our journey.
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