149. The rich, the famous, and the infamous

As we passed Cookham Lock, the river twists and turns and as we looked up towards the steep hill we could see a huge building up the horizon and so we decided to moor the boat and stretch our legs. After walking almost vertically for twenty minutes, we arrived at a flattened grassed area, which consisted of a series of flowerbeds surrounded by small hedges, and these seemed to be guarded by a number of taller evergreens in the shape of pointed turrets but in the background lay a magnificent baroque building. On arriving at a statute, we were greeted by an elderly couple who asked us “Can we help?”It was only then that we realised must have been at some National Trust property and this was confirmed by them both wearing, NT Volunteer badges.

Without being too obvious, the Cabin Boy asked the grannie Dissi , how old she was. ? She must have missed heard and replied “Clive’s 81 and I’m a lot younger”. After a bit of a giggle, she told us a bit about the history of Clivedon. “O Cliveden was built in about 1666 by the 2^nd Duke of Buckingham and was originally a hunting lodge where the Duke could entertain his friends but it burnt down. It was then rebuilt, and once again burnt down again, and rebuilt. The First Mate sniggered “They did it for the insurance eh?”Dissi continued,” In about 1850 the Duke of Sutherland built most of the present building you can see here and the large water tower that you can see at the front of the house was added in about 1860”.”Has anyone famous stayed her?” Asked Billy “You name them, they’ve stayed here “answered the old guy who was also called Dissi. “Practically every King and Queen since George I, most British Prime Ministers , American Presidents and some infamous people”. The First Mate’s eyes lit up and jumped in.”Infamous, you mean naughty eh?”.” Well I suppose that you can say that “, “Who then? “. The older male Dissi said “The Astors for example” “. Who are they?”  Asked the eager Cabin Boy.”I can answer that one Billy “said the Captain. “You see there was this rich American guy called William  Waldorf Astor” ,” Correction” said the granny “The richest American in the world at the time”. “Well he bought it and lived here”.”No” interrupted the granny again.” He bought it for his son Waldorf and daughter-in-law Nancy as a wedding present” “Yes that’s her” continued the Captain” That Nancy Astor or should I say Nazi Astor  and her friends were German sympathisers .This group of upper crust, rich and very influential people were called the Clivedon Set, I think” added the Captain “And Nancy was the ring leader of this right wing group. This so called Set was so influential that she became the first woman Member of Parliament in the whole of England “.

The Captain continued” there was some humorous bickering between her and Churchill. On one occasion, unable to resist the temptation to tease her in front of a large group of people he asked her “So, you are once again organising some stupid masquerade ball. What disguise should I wear so that nobody recognizes me?”

"Why don't you come sober, Prime Minister?" – Lady Astor replied sarcastically.

On another occasion, Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

But, probably the most known exchange of such words between them was when Lady Astor said to him "Winston, you are drunk", to which he replied "And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning".

“Where have I heard that weird name of Waldorf before? “Inquired the Cabin Boy.”Oh I see what you mean “said the female Dissi. “You’re probably thinking about a Waldorf salad that was created at the luxury hotel in New York  called the Waldorf –Astoria  named after  Waldorf and Nancy Astor” “And what did this salad contain then ?“ Asked Billy. “It was a salad that contained apples, celery and walnuts with a bit of lettuce and mayo,” replied Mrs Dissi.

The Cabin Boy asked the old couple “Why they were both called Dissi ?.”Well if you must know my proper name is Clive Disraeli Montague and ever since school days I was nicknamed Dissi and of course when I got married people referred to my wife Cybil as Mrs Dissi. Mrs Dissi completed the story about her name and added “My middle name is Deidre, and so me and Clive also have the same set of name initials. The Captain added sarcastically “Fascinating”.

“Well we still haven’t heard anything infamous yet “said the First Mate.”Well I suppose you’re too young to know about that Tory John Profumo” said Mrs. Dessi. “Well I am a dam sight younger than any of them” piped up the Cabin Boy and I remember my older brother Nick telling me about it years ago”. “Well, tell us about it “demanded the Captain.”Well there  was this old boy  in the cabinet called Profumo who had a thing for this high class whore called Christine Keeler and he  was filmed by this Russian Spy  at it in a threesome with this Profumo and some doctor bloke called Ward and yes this doctor always wore dark sunglasses like a film star”.” Well some of what you said was almost true “said Mrs Dessi. “In fact, the scandal concerned John Profumo who was Secretary of State for War at the time and he had an affair with the high class prostitute Christine Keeler who was introduced to him at a party at Clivedon by the osteopath - Stephen Ward. It also happened that Christine Keeler had a boyfriend who was a Russian Naval attaché and possibly a Russian Spy. Profumo denied that he had an intimate relationship with her, and when it was found to be true, he resigned from the government. Stephen Ward was taken to court for living on immoral earnings and just before he was due to be sentenced; he committed suicide by taking an overdose of sleeping pills.

148. Cookham, Weirs, Locks and the Wierdo Stanley Spencer

When we arrived at Cookham Lock, we had to wait about an hour to pass through the lock and so chatted to the lock keeper Adam about the lock itself .He was quite an authority it seems on the history of the lock. He told us   “It is here at Cookham that the powerful waters of the Thames meet the Chiltern chalk at Cliveden Cliff which causes the river to change direction suddenly. Centuries ago, this area would have been a maze of narrow river channels between wooded, marshy islands”.

He continued to add, “The need for a lock here emerged in the 1700s when it seemed that the river at Cookham was a very dangerous place to be because large chalk stones fell from Clivedon Cliff and in doing so hit three barges causing them to sink. Eventually around 1830 the first pound lock was constructed.”

The Cabin Boy said “You can certainly talk can’t you “ to which Adam replied “Yes well I used to be in sales for twenty years ,and you had to talk then in order to get customers confidence in your products” .He finished his conversation by telling us about that the “Queen's Swan Upper and his crew visit Cookham Lock every year to record the swan population and that this ritual began when swans were considered an important food for royal banquets and feasts. The lock keeper looked surprised when the Captain said “Yep I know all about that you know, I was with him last year ringing swans at the Abbotsbury Swannery. “A bit of a twitcher then?” added Adam. The Cabin Boy laughed and said, “More like a cross between a tit, a bitch and a twit”

When we passed through the lock, the Cabin Boy turned to the First Mate and asked, “He didn’t really tell us much about why they built locks in the first place did he First Mate, perhaps you can tell us?”The First Mate replied, “Well Billy Boy, it’s all about regulating water flow. Before they built locks and weirs on rivers, there was no control of water flow. In the winter, after heavy rain, there would be floods, with water running everywhere creating unnavigable marshlands, and in the summer, the lack of rain would cause droughts, with not enough water to support boats. Therefore, what happened was some millers built weirs right across the river in order to control the flow, but it meant that people in boats couldn’t get past the weir. The millers were forced, I think under some part of Magna Carta, to provide some mechanism whereby boats could pass through them. So a part of the weir was removable to allow the passage of boats”. “Thanks First Mate but what’s that bit about Magna Carta then?”.”Well later on in our journey, we will be going pass  Runneymede , where the Magna Carta was signed but essentially part of it states that people in  boat had the right to travel along rivers and streams unhindered. These weirs with removable sections were referred to as flash locks but they were still very dangerous, you just thing of suddenly lifting a weir gate today and see what happens. So in the early 1600’s they built pound locks alongside weirs, and in simple terms these are just long chambers and work on the principle that water finds its own level. Boats enter at one level and leave at another level, the level being controlled by opening and closing gates and lifting or dropping sluice gates”

Just after Cookham lock we pulled over, and moored up at Bell Rope Meadow and decided to go for a walk in order to stretch our legs. We passed through the local churchyard (Holy Trinity) along Ferry Lane and into Cookham itself.

At the road junction, we saw a funny looking building, which looked like a cross between a chapel and a post office, and popped over the road to see what it was. It turned out to be the Stanley Spencer Gallery.

The First Mate said ,“That Stanley Spencer was a bit of a weirdo you know, apparently he used to wear  his pajamas’ over his clothes in order to keep warm,  and used to push this old pram ,which contained his painting kit all  over the village when he was in his painting mood”. And sure enough just as we entered the gallery, there were several pictures of him with this old beaten up pram. The First Mate continued, “He became infatuated with this woman and his missus divorced him”.”Well really First Mate, I can’t see how that makes him a weirdo”.”Well lads, you see “laughed the First Mate,” After he married this woman, he had to turn over his house to this woman who turned out to be a dyke and he had to go and live with them both. Apparently, and despite the fact that he painted several pictures of her nude, but she never allowed the marriage to be consummated.

147. Bourne End and Famous Authors

By the time that we reached Bourne End, the crew were wet and their spirits were dampened. To cheer us up, the Cabin Boy kept on repeating the line from the Sloop John B “This is the worse trip, I’ve ever been on”. The First Mate couldn’t resist it and sang his verse with gusto.

“The first mate he got drunk

And broke in the captain’s  trunk

The constable had to come and take him away

Sheriff John stone

Why don't you leave me alone, yeah yeah

Well I feel so broke up I wanna go home”

Both the First Mate and the Cabin Boy had been harboring on about the fact that they both needed a drink to cheer them up. And the Captain, in his own way, did his best to make them feel happy by telling them “Sorry lads, The Black Lion, The Bounty and the Firefly pubs all had to shut down because of some boating clientele singing late at night and had therefore been guilty of noise pollution “.The Captain was so proud of his acting skills that he thought about applying for a role in Eastenders.

Just as we were passing Bourne End Marina, the Captain espied a boat called Lazy Days and the Captain recognized Bazza the Chippy from Caversham and pretended not to recognize him only to be greeted by “ You gonna join me and Jane but for a few beers at the Bounty then ?”.

“Well you porkie plier Captain, I thought you said the Bounty was closed”. The Captain being caught out said, “Well I honestly thought it was, so maybe we can pop in for a bit of light refreshment out of the heat of the day.

The Bounty pub itself is quite charming and just as you enter the pub there is a sign, which reads ‘The People’s Republic of Cockmarsh’ where “the laws of common sense apply”.

Being quite close to Marlow, the Cabin Boy and the First Mate quaffed a few pints of Rebellion Blonde  brewed locally by the Rebellion Brewery while the Captain consoled himself by supping a few Grumpy  Cows, brewed by the same brewery.

The Captain learned from Bazza, that since he retired he had bought and done up a small narrow boat which him and Jane often spent a weekend on.”But Bazza today is only Wednesday , to which Bazza  smiled and said” Well maybe a long weekend, after tonight we’re heading up Letchlade  way and spending a couple of days at Jane’s pad. He continued  “ We really like this boozer because the only way you can get to it is by boat or foot”.

Billy went up to the bar and bought the drinks back to the table.” I was just speaking to the landlord Dave, who told me that a couple of famous authors used to live here. Apparently Enid Blyton the kids writer, used to live just up the road in a cottage called Old Thatch and that crime writer Edgar Wallace used to live just off Blind Lane, which is also just up the road”. The First Mate chuckled “I bet you still read those Famous Five and Noddy books that she wrote , don’t’ you Billy ? “.” Of course I don’t, I leave that one up to you and the Captain, First Mate, but I do like the crime thrillers written by Edgar Wallace such as The Four Just Men and J.D. Reeder and his film screenplays such as King Kong and the Hound of the Baskervilles.!”.Never being  not able to take up the gauntlet or in modern day prose, to remain a wimp , the First Mate responded  “The Famous Five ,who can ever remember a bunch of upper middle class white kids kicking the shit out of a homeless guy while nationalists applaud , and as for that Noddy, and his  apparently wise mate , that hobgoblin Big Ears , he was that clever,  he  used to sit all day on top of a toadstool, I hardly think it ,no Billy,  those characters are more up your street than mine and the Captain’s”.

The Captain continued the conversation with “ I suppose that you can’t take it away from her, she was one of the biggest selling British authors of all time in the world and  she still sells  stacks of books these days “.”The First Mate added, “That may be so Captain but the books are outdated today and the plots are as dull as ditchwater and I suppose Noddy isn’t that bad if you get past the initial gag reflex”.

Bazza had been listening to the conversation and chipped in with “Her books may have been a bit boring but her private life was far from it., A couple of years ago there was a TV drama about her and in it , it showed that she used to like playing naked and that she had a lesbian affair with a nanny she employed to look after her children. Even though her books  were full of happy carefree children whose idea of bliss at the end of an adventure-filled day was a slice of plum cake washed down with lashings of ginger beer, she was a right cow to her children  and when she was divorced for adultery, she made sure that her kids didn’t see their dad by saying that he was unfit to see his kids because he was an habitual piss artist and womansier, which of course, was far  from the truth.

147. Bourne End

By the time that we reached Bourne End, the crew were wet and their spirits were dampened. To cheer us up, the Cabin Boy kept on repeating the line from the Sloop John B “This is the worse trip, I’ve ever been on”. The First Mate couldn’t resist it and sang his verse with gusto.

“The first mate he got drunk

And broke in the captain’s  trunk

The constable had to come and take him away

Sheriff John stone

Why don't you leave me alone, yeah yeah

Well I feel so broke up I wanna go home”

Both the First Mate and the Cabin Boy had been harboring on about the fact that they both needed a drink to cheer them up. And the Captain, in his own way, did his best to make them feel happy by telling them “Sorry lads, The Black Lion, The Bounty and the Firefly pubs all had to shut down because of some boating clientele singing late at night and had therefore been guilty of noise pollution “.The Captain was so proud of his acting skills that he thought about applying for a role in Eastenders.

146.The Marlow Donkey

There is a branch line that runs between Maidenhead and Marlow which  was  once part of the former railway line which ran between Maidenhead and High Wycombe before Dr.Beecham decided to axe community lines in the 1960’s .In the names of costs and efficiency Beecham reduced the total route miles by about 4000 miles of track .At the time it was thought that the  Conservative government of the day were in cahoots with powerful  road construction companies and then the next Labour government jumped on the band wagon and fast tracked the second stage of Beechams report , resulting the loss of a further 2000 miles of track. On the face of it, it would seem that both government and opposition were in the pockets of the construction industry.

So how can a single track railway operate a two way train system? The answer is simple .This is possible because Bourne End station has two platforms that may be used simultaneously.

All off-peak trains must stop and reverse at Bourne End, as the line to Marlow has a trailing connection, and the driver must change ends for the second part of the route

The train that runs on the branch line is known as The Marlow Donkey, a term which was the affectionate name for the saddle tank steam locomotive that served the line between 1868 and 1935. There is also a pub in Marlow of same name, just by the station.

Billy wanted to know why the train was called a donkey. ”Well Billy ,it’s called that because donkeys generally transport things from one place to another , along the same bit of road or track in a monotonous way .Yes Billy and there’s more “ said the First Mate “Boat Captains  are often like donkeys in the fact that they are stubborn, make funny noises and behave like idiots”. “And if they were like you First Mate, they’d be creatures that liked their oats and would very well endowed” replied Billy

145. Boat repairs and a Solution

Only a few weeks ago, the vessel Lorna II had been into the boat yard for repairs including the replacement of an alternator and a new starter motor to the tune of six hundred pounds. So when the starter motor fried again, the Captain was least pleased.

Now when you really do need help and very quick help can you get it?-no, you stand more chance having it off with the Man in the Moon.

Three days later the boat was repaired thus prolonging our trip by a further three days. The engineer replaced the ignition switch, the relay and the starter motor thus eliminating any fault that could have caused two previous starter motors to burn out. For the engineers amongst readers of this book, the fault was caused by the ignition key failing to spring back into position when released , meaning that the starter motor was continually under the full power of the battery.

Now in the medical field it is well known the order for the treatment of illnesses is first diagnosis and then prognosis. Well in the case of boating, the reverse applies. You treat the symptom and then think about what caused it in the first place and of course, the boater has to foot the bill during the random guesswork stage. However, when you are stranded in the middle of nowhere and miles away from home, they have you by the short and curlies.

When back home the Captain was telling his wife about the breakdown, she remembered about the time that they had been boating up to Oxford and they had broken down.”Don’t you remember  Jimmy when we had just bought the boat and we broke down near Sandford and had to put the boat on a sand bar to stop us sinking , and that guy with the funny haircut  from that breakdown service came out and helped us  , now what was it called---something like Boat Rescue,no RCR, River and Canal Rescue ,yes that’s it, you should look into that again” Yes my baby” came the Captain’s reply, I’ll do it straight away”.A few minutes later the Captain came back and said “Yep, it’s called River and Canal  Rescue and it costs a couple of hundred quid for up to seven rescues a year including a range of repairs, I’ll subscribe to it today.”And before you say it ,it is   always easy to be wise after the event isn’t “

After a delay of several days, the crew returned to their beloved Lorna II and continued their boating excursion eastwards .Their destination for the night being Windsor or there abouts.

144. Transport Home

When boating, you sometimes have to think the worse, and the worse often happens such as having no means of transport home, having no mobile phone, not having contact numbers in case you break down and so the list continues.

When we broke down, the Captain went into panic mode, he didn’t have the number of a breakdown service and couldn’t remember his wife’s phone number and he couldn’t get a signal and even more important, didn’t know exactly where they were.

After climbing the up the river bank, signals were had on the mobile phones and the horizon consisted of a public park area. We then scuttled across the green to hit the road. The road sign had been stolen by some dickhead or carefully removed to add to the collection of an ardent street sign collector, however on the opposite side of the road, there were two signs intact. We were at the junction of Gossmore Lane and Mill Road. So when phoning up and summoning transport it pays to pay attention to detail.

The Captain phoned his wife and asked for transport home the following day. When in fact  she did phone back, she corrected the location to the junction of Crossmore Road and Mill Lane .Aren’t  Google Maps and GPS wonderful tools and even with these facilities ,the Captain’s wife almost got lost in the  twisting, turning back streets of Marlow.