168. The Penton Hook Hooker

While making enquiries about the times of trains at Kingston, the Captain and Cabin Boy noticed a very, very attractive girl walking by and couldn’t help themselves but let their heads rotate following the young lady’s every step. The Captain said jokingly said to Billy “I’ve pulled” and started to follow the young girl and bumped into an older woman, who said “You have now”.

The woman was called Doris and came from Penton Hook. She  was dressed in a red leather jacket, little kinky pixie boots, shortish skirt and patterned stockings and she immediately engaged the Captain in conversation having spotted a kindred spirit, asking straight away was he married and was he looking for a woman. He turned to Billy and said “Look Billy, I’ve got to fight them off with a sharp stick “, Billy remarked, “Better you than me Captain, second thoughts she look’s if though she might be right up your street Captain”. Within minutes of meeting she had told the Captain her life story and that after two divorces; she was once again by herself and was looking for a new man in her life. She had just ended an affair with a man who was a lot younger than herself and remarked than her previous husband was a big boy just like the Captain. The Captain just laughed and said “O can you tell that as well as well”. When asked “Can I take a photo of you she  said loudly “No”,  and then opened up her jacket, pouted her lips and pushed her ample  bosom out and added “People normally pay for that you know.”The Captain giggled and said” Well that will be thirty five pounds please but you can always pay me in kind, if you want”, she then promptly jumped on the train without offering payment or services to the Captain but she did come over to the window several times  and blow  kisses to the Captain and also to the Cabin Boy, who merely said “I don’t do grannies like you Jimmy” and “Why the hell did you give her your phone number then?” I didn’t Billy; I gave her yours instead, just in case you decide you wanna a bit of experience for once”.”You may even get your hands of her pension book if you’re lucky”.

As the Captain gave  a return wave, the Cabin Boy bent down and picked up a card which someone had dropped. He picked it up and began to laugh “I tell you what is quite funny Captain “, “Go and then Billy put me out of my misery”.” Well that woman who just caught the train is called Doris and she like you is a teacher, but she teaches people with special needs “ And after further sniggering added “if you progress while under her tuition, she may even teach you O and A-Levels”. He then handed the card to Captain to  read.

“Very funny Billy, but is doesn’t have to be hers it could be anyone who just been up to  London and popped into a phone box, these vice cards are everywhere in London” said the Captain.”And how would you know about that then Captain?”.”The Captain replied “I think you told me about them when we were up in Oxford and you’d had too many beers and have conveniently forgotten about it and, as a good friend Billy, I will safely look after it to keep you out of your temptations way!”.The Captain pocketed the card and walked on.

167. Prologue and Kingston

Just as Jerome K Jerome had written his book in the late 1890’s, the author had originally intended to write, or in my own case, attempted to write a semi-serious boating guide to the many fine places found along the River Thames and to include a brief history of these places and landmarks. However, as soon as I started to put pen to paper and recorded the log, with help from my two companions after each day’s travel fuelled by drinking in a large number of hostelries, set in picturesque surroundings, the travelogue developed into a more of a modern day comical novel .As we got more and more into the journey, the humorous side of book took over, as did my imagination. However a conservative estimate would probably be that the book is 90%, factual 5 % invention and the final 5 % pure fantasy but not necessarily in that order, and, above all, not necessarily in those proportions stated above!.

One of the most liked things about the original “Three Men in a Boat” was that modern day critics point out that despite the book being ages old, the humour remains undated. Well that may have been the case “then” but this is “now” and so this book, attempts to bring the humour up to date.

The three men mentioned in the book are Jimmy Whittaker himself ( the narrator and Captain) and two real-life friends, Phil Wakeford (  the First Mate, who was  a senior manager in the water industry) and, Billy Blackwell (the Cabin Boy, who was  a bank manager).

The original title of Jerome’s book was “Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog)” but when asked about the dog ,Montmorency, Jerome admitted that the dog was purely fictional and was developed out of that area of inner consciousness which, in all Englishmen, contains an element of the do. In our case, the  canine element was probably beer , a catalyst ,which brought our inner inhibitions, extended our personalities and brought out both the good and bad in three modern day pensioners.

To some people Kingston upon Thames is an area in London most commonly inhabited by people who just like to pretend they're rich but then somehow can't afford to live in South Kensingston .If you ask a person in the streets where do they live ?  they always say in the Royal Borough of Kingston Upon Thames so that it doesn’t get confused with that drug ridden city in Jamaica, full of druggies, and would-be rapists, who like to wear tea cozies on their heads and walk along the streets with ghetto blaster belting out tunes in which the record needle appears to have stuck and the bass has only one position –maximum.

When you arrive at Kingston you suddenly realise how wide the Thames actually is and what a built up area it is.

The bridge at Kingston has long been a very important bridge since for many years it was the next upstream fixed crossing over the Thames after London Bridge.

As previously stated Kingston is a real borough, because the historians would like to have us to believe that seven Saxon Kings were crowned here and an ancient bit of rock outside the guildhall, called the Coronation Stone commemorates this, allegedly. In some circles including ours, there is the belief that historians write stories about our heritage and then to try con us into believing who we actually are, and historians having made up history then repeat it to other historians with the proviso that history never repeats itself but historians do.

166. Tattoos and, the Girl with the Chilli Peppers Tattoo

None  of the crew have tattoos so far and the Captain had promised himself that by the time he was fifty he would have grown a ponytail, had his ear pierced so that he could adorn himself with an earring and finally would have  a tattoo .However now at sixty years of age, he is follicly   challenged  and wouldn’t have  been able to grow a ponytail even if he tried and having a fear of needles,  any holes punctured into his skin would cause the most severe of nightmares, he however is thinking of having one devoted to his wife , comprising of a black pussy  with pink eyes wearing a pink collar.

The First Mate thoroughly endorsed the no-tattoo policy by adding “I’m not growing my hair to look like a girl and I’m certainly not gonna wear an ear ring like some middle aged poofter.

Just look at the people who have tattoos said Billy the Cabin Boy. “People who cannot express their individuality through productive means for want of the mental and/or creative capacity.”  Who do you mean then Billy Boy?” the First Mate asked “ Oh weirdos, druggies, peasants, thickos, permanently unemployed, social security spongers, idiots, drunks, chain smokers, rebels and people who could never be cool as long as they had a hole in their arse!”

“Don’t hold back Billy said the Captain “You’ve forgotten a few “ “OK “ Billy said “Unmarried mothers, army deserters, traffic wardens, butch lesbians, bouncers and people with short dicks, the dyslexics and the criminally insane.”I’m sure you’ve forgotten to mention even more “said the First Mate.

The Captain the related his story about the girl with a tattoo he met in a café in Sennen Cove, Cornwall.

“I was sitting having a cup of tea, with my wife and daughter in the café on the beach at Sennan Cove and I noticed that she had a tattoo on her forearm with words on it, on reading it I couldn’t help myself and started to giggle. The girl’s tattoo was obviously self-penned for it was supposed to say “I love Denis”, but she had obviously had an unsteady hand and the letter D had run and it read “I love Penis”. The Captain thought about his children and alikened them to tattoos, permanent reminders that he had achieved the purpose of his existence on this planet…yes procreation.

Just as we were approaching Kingston, The First Mate spotted a young woman in a pair of 365 Levis on the tow path, and said “Look over there, at that girl with the very pert bum. Billy turned around over to see the girl, probably in her mid-twenties approaching a hot dog stand on the river bank. The girl, obviously heard the First Mate’s remarks and the crew could hardly believe their eyes when she raised her blouse slightly above her hips to reveal a pair of chili pepper tattoos, artistically created and tastefully placed in the small of her back. “Not all tattoos are bad like those   chili peppers” said Billy, to which the First Mate added “Hot stuff eh Billy

166. Walton-on-Thames and the Friendly Couple

We decided that we needed to stretch our legs and so we stopped for a brief walk around Walton –on Thames. As we approached the town centre the Cabin Boy said” I would have thought that this place would have been older than it seems, with all these new buildings around us, it seems to be quite new?.”.”Billy” said the First Mate “Open your eyes and you will be able to answer your own question”.”Billy came back with and said “Well all I can say is that it still looks quite new”.”That’s right Billy my boy, you are right it is quite new, but what they did was to knock down a lot of the old part of the town and rebuild this modern day shopping centre.

 The First Mate continued “In some ways it’s a bit of a shame to see some of these old town centres redeveloped and the reason is quite straight forward, when you think about it. These old buildings are very expensive to maintain and it’s therefore easier to knock them to the ground and start again”.” But, if these buildings are so old, how do the developers get planning permission to build these centres?”.”Once again Billy open your eyes. You see those couple of hundred of houses or flats over there above the shops, the developers add affordable housing into the project to give it some credibility.

These days it is often rare to meet a very pleasant couple on your travels , well it was our good fortune  to meet such a couple .The conversation went like this “I say young man “ said the Cabin Boy,” Do you know the way to the town” “To which the male of the couple, Andy said “  I may do “ and this took the Cabin Boy unawares, and then the First Mate jumped in and said” looking at the female of the species ,named Phil,” I bet you know a thing or two “ to which she replied “it just depends what you’re talking about darling” .Phil to Phil said “ O I bet you do”. The Captain then put in his two pence worth and said “Gentlemen and lady, there is a big difference between knowing and thinking “and the Cabin Boy determined to wind up the Captain, said “Aye aye Captain, they’re spelt differently for a start.” Oh yes and they both have eight letters and two syllables right.” “No wrong Billy one has seven letters and the other has eight, you must also be dyslexic in the numeration department as well.” added the Captain ”Just like bastard  and dickhead, different number of letters  eh Captain “came Billy’s reply.

It turned out that Andy had just got a small part in a film to be shot at Pinewood studios just up the road at Iver Heath and they were out celebrating, when asked about what part he had got in a film, he was rather shy at first but then admitted that he was to play the part of a gay waiter in the sequel to the recent film “Kick Ass”,”More like Kiss Ass “said The First mate. The Cabin Boy having spent many years courting girls on the back row of cinemas throughout the Home Counties said “They also made Carry on Up the Kyber and Peeping Tom at Pinewood”.

When asked where they were now going “Andy said” We’re just off for a quick one down the road “and the Captain, not being able to help himself added “Can we watch, it may help you to get over a bout of stage fright”.”Yes indeed” added the First Mate,” We may be able to help you; you see my elder sister was a thespian and she used to tell me about these things.” The Cabin boy whispered in Andy’s ear, “She was a lesbian not a thespian and probably both”.

As they walked off,  the First Mate said” Very nice midriff and no stretch marks”.”Only because she never been topped by someone as big as you eh”, remarked the Cabin Boy”. The Captain turned to the First Mate and said “I don’t know where the Cabin Boy gets it all from” “Well if you don’t know by now Jimmy, you never will” “Oh from you Phil, you mean” laughed The Captain.

164. Retirement

All three crew members are retired persons and sometimes retirees can be considered to be like machines, once they are so worn out or used up there in no value in them left, they are junked and thrown onto the scrap heap. However looking on the bright side, they may a get a pension if they live long enough.

Has it happens, the present crew is very fortunate in the retirement arena, all three having retired in their early fifties and far from being put out to grass have developed  themselves in other areas. The Captain although a  competent plumber likes to help   out grannies with their plumbing both external and internal, while The First Mate , likes to teach his grannies how to suck eggs and therefore acts as a consultant to the Water Industry and the Cabin Boy is a property developer, socialite ,and  a D-I-Y handy-boy .

When not plumbing, the Captain enjoys birds of both two legged varieties and digging up his grannies in the form of genealogical studies and real ale. The First Mate enjoys watching acts of violence in films, making his body even more attractive by body building and trying to cure himself of xenophobia. Last but not least, Billy Boy likes to cultivate his upper crust accent with all of its foibles, using pedal power to visit hostelries for the consumption of vast amounts of beer and holding  court  in his local whilst in the company of The Vicar, Charley Farley, The Captain  and Moggie Morley. Retirement like death comes to us all.

163. Unwanted guests

Non-indigenous people  or as we prefer non-native people or better still aliens  are prevalent around England, not just in out towns like Bradford or the streets of Southall but have spread themselves in the more affluent areas including the Thames Valley. Sadly this unwanted trend has now progressed into the creature world and who has introduced these intruders? Once again the answer is easy. They have been brought here by human activity, either deliberately or accidentally and at a cost. These pests survive at the expense of our own wildlife and often have a negative effect on agriculture and foodstuff for other creatures and above all non-native species can pose a serious threat to our natural biodiversity.

Black swans were first introduced to England in 1791, though the earliest record of successful breeding in the wild was not until 1902.The species, though rare, has a wide geographical spread throughout the British Isles. Up until 2005, fewer than 20 pairs were reported to be breeding across the UK but now they have spread their range.

Black swans have the potential to be an agricultural pest, grazing and fouling grass and eating arable crops. The species is also known to be aggressive and can out-compete native species of wildfowl. The Black Swan is listed under Schedule 9 to the Wildlife and Countryside

Act 1981 with respect to England and Wales. As such, it is an offence to release or allow the escape of this species into the wild. We were fortunate or unfortunate to see a couple of breeding pairs along the Thames on our journey.

The Captain turned to the First Mate and said “Those blackuns are quite smart for birds you know; they breed much earlier in the year than our native Mute Swans and thus avoid competition for food sources.

They’re not the only unwanted species of bird found on the Thames today, there’s also the Egyptian goose chaps”. The Cabin boy said “I’m not too sure what they look like Captain, can you describe them?”The Captain answered “Egyptian geese are small, stocky geese with an apricot breast, a white wing patch and dark eye patch and look if they have got two black eyes from being in a fight. And, for the benefit of the First Mate, like a lot of foreigners once you see one , you always see a few of them gathered together , probably because they believe in the old adage “safety in numbers. The Captain continued”

Egyptian geese were first introduced into England in the late 17th century and during the 19th century birds became increasingly common on private estates, mostly in southern and eastern England. Since then they have dispersed and established colonies and are now commonly seen on the River Thames and elsewhere.

In their native range, Egyptian geese are a pest and eat arable crops and if numbers continue to increase they could become a similar nuisance in the UK. They share the same habitat preferences as mallard and coots with which they might compete.

Egyptian geese are known to hybridise with native species in Africa and even worse gentlemen, hybridisation with non-native Canada geese has been recorded in the UK.You imagine what a flock of these hybrids would do to a golf course, the river bank or your own beloved lawn at home in a matter of hours. And, the picture gets even worse, if that is possible, there is also  concern,  that they unwanted guests   may even hybridise with native species of goose, and threaten the conservation status of those species.

In the Netherlands the species is aggressive to nests of wading species. They could also potentially cause major damage to amenity grasslands, pastures and crops by grazing and trampling. And like all geese, the droppings could pose a health and safety risk to humans.

The Egyptian Goose is listed under Schedule 9 to the Wildlife and Countryside Act198 1 with respect to England, Wales and Scotland. As such, it is an offence to release or allow the escape of this species into the wild.”The First Mate came in with “Yeah and I bet you can count the number of prosecutions on one hand. I suppose you’d better complete the picture Jimmy, and tell us about the Canada goose.”

The Captain continued with his discourse of alien birds.” The Canada goose was introduced as an ornamental bird in the 17th century, but was restricted to only a few areas of the UK up until the middle of the 20th century. Numbers increased markedly from this point, greatly facilitated by the deliberate introduction of birds into new habitats during the 1950s and 1960s.  These beasts can cause major damage to amenity grasslands, pastures and crops through grazing and trampling. The droppings can be a health and safety risk to humans, both through ingestion but also causing slippery conditions. You try walking down the prom at Caversham, you’re lucky not to fall over on all that goose crap and break something. The ecological impact includes damage to other wildlife such as trampling on other bird nests and the destruction of waterside habitat such as reed beds. These large birds can also pose an airplane collision risk. Despite all these bad things, the do-gooders have ensured that Canada goose is listed under Schedule 9 to the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981 with respect to England, Wales and Scotland and, as such it is an offence to release or to allow the escape of this species into the wild. However the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981 affords legal protection to all birds, their nests and eggs”.

162. Clean it up!

                                                                   

Dog Shit or doogy doo as refined ladies call it is something that everyone has trod-in, the main ingredients of which appear to be Chicken McNuggets.

Now when you see elderly dog lovers walking their doggies along the road they invariable have with them a poop scoop for the picking up of the offending waste and in some posh towns that sometimes have a bin for the dumping of dumps which have just been freshly dumped by a dog who wished to dump.

And is dog fouling a problem?-yes it is. Once England was viewed as a nation of shop keepers by Napoleon, today it could be described as a nation of dog lovers and it is estimated that we have about six million dogs in England producing about 900 tonnes of poop a day and that sure is a lot of crap to be disposed of.

This crap is not harmless stuff and carries microbiological nasties such as toxocariasis, campylobacter, salmonella and a host of pathogenic organisms.

We teach our dogs not to crap where they shouldn't by rubbing their noses in it. Obviously they dislike this, but fortunately for us all they learn a valuable lesson. After what we saw on the Thames Path at Boveney weir the other day, we are thinking of applying the same rule to errant dog owners, with just a slight twist. The next time we see a dog crapping on a footpath, we are going to grab the owner and rub his nose in it.

Of course, it is illegal for dogs to foul public places and this is covered by the Fouling of Land Act and when offenders where asked why they didn’t clean up doggy doo, the answer came back, “We were too embarrassed to”. Yes embarrassed they would be seeing their name in the local newspaper which publically announced their names, addresses and fines which they have recently received for failure to observe a matter of common courtesy and common sense.

161. D'Oyly Carte Island and School Theatricals

Just below Shepperton lock is a small island which is called D’Oyly Carte Island and what a strange name you may say. Well  people with strange forenames or surnames often grow up to be weird  and people with weird names are often the children of weirdos who are invariably rock stars or actors .Examples include Frank Zappa’s daughter Diva Muffin, Bob Geldolfs daughter  Fifi Trixebell, Sting’s daughter Fuchsia and Sly Stallone’s daughter Sage Moonblood .

D'Oyly Carte Island is named after the previous owner Richard D'Oyly Carte  who owned a large house and garden on the island but unfortunately for the reader there is nothing really weird to be said about D'Oyly Carte except that he had a macabre sense of humour and kept a pet crocodile on the island for amusement.

As we passed D’Oyly Carte Island, the First Mate asked “I read in a Thames Guide book a few years ago that the guy who owned that island was a producer of the Gilbert and Sullivan operas in Victorian times “.The Cabin boy became illuminated and said “Yes, Captain when we were at school, did you ever take part in any of those musicals run by grumpy old Ron McKinnon?” ”Yes “came the reply from the Captain” I once took part in the comic opera “The Pirates of Penzance “and played one of the pirates but unfortunately not one of the pirates who ended up with one of the  Major General’s daughter’s “.”Why didn’t you get a lead role then Captain “asked the First Mate.”Well for a start ,when auditioning I couldn’t remember my lines ,secondly Billy, if you remember I had a speech impediment then, and I could see all my mates taking the piss out of me every time I fluffed and stammered  my lines, and finally I could never fancy any girl called Mabel or Ruth, whether real or imaginary. But I did get my revenge so to speak in another school play. I auditioned for the   king in Henry IV, and was giving an enthusiastic rendition of “Once more into the breach dear friends once more”, took out my sword waved it about,  and accidentally knocked the head off some years precious, old school statue. It was even funnier because the head of the statue fell off the pedestal rolled across the stage floor and down the steps. I shouted out something like “fuck me” and the Head Master ,Bas Cooper, heard me swear and screamed out something like “Whittaker that’s blasphemy ,get to my office straight away. He gave me a letter to be taken home and signed by parents to the effect that they consented to corporal punishment. In due time , I was summoned to the Head Master’s office to receive six of the best .In the office, there was Seedy Sutton, the Deputy Head who proceeded to cane me whilst I was  bent over a chair. I lost count on the fifth stroke and stood up and in doing so received the sixth and final stroke right across my face. I cried out in agony a string of at least six expletives including the C-word. The Head just turned to me, as I wiped my eyes and said James, let that be a lesson to you and  don’t forget you should only  use those words on the rugger field and not inside the school”.

“Well Billy said the Captain, “that’s my contribution to school plays, what about you Billy, did you ever take part in any of the school plays. “Yes Captain, speaking of Gilbert and Sullivan, I took part in HMS Pinafore. I played the part of Able Seamen Dick Deadeye and I had to sing in a couple of songs .Not very interesting really but we did have a chance to meet some of the chicks from the girl’s grammar school over the back fence. Ah yes , that brings back a few memories ,behind  the old bicycle sheds for a quick ciggy,  and a quick look at Health and Efficiency magazine featuring all those nudists. Looking back on it, those Gilbert and Sullivan operas where funny and quite catchy”.

“It’s your turn next First Mate, did you ever take part in school theatricals”.” Not bloody likely, like you pair of fairies. I took an active part in proper boys’ activities such as all types of sports…rugger, athletics, cross-country running and boxing”. The Captain smiled and said “Don’t forget tiddlywinks, pass the parcel and blind man’s bluff, First Mate”.