119. Sonning

The first lock downstream after Caversham lock is Sonning Lock. The Captain and the First Mate have extensively pike fished this and so know the area very well.

The lock keeper at Sonning is Keith Burnage and he lives in the lock keeper with his missus Jo. He told us that he began his lock keeping career in 1999, as Summer Assistant at Day's Lock. He then went on to become Area Relief at various locks between Day's and Hurley, and finally became resident lock keeper at Sonning. In true naval tradition, we reckon that Keith is a forty fags a day man.

Basically,  Sonning consists of three or four pubs/hotels/restaurants call them what you may, a church, a social club a lock and a couple of telephone boxes. However, it does have an excellent dinner theatre. Basically,  this theatre shows comedy plays accompanied by an old style dinner fixed menu consisting of roasts, fancy pies and homemade stews. The downer is it only serves one real ale, bottles of 6X, a firm favourite of the Cabin Boy and Captain.

It is believed that  a bridge at Sonning has been in existence  since Roman times and this why it was   used as crossing point by the Roman army on their way up to Wallingford and  it was  also used by merchants and traders who were travelling to the west of England on leaving London.

The First Mate told us “The Great Western Railway runs about half a mile south of the village, in a two mile long cutting called Sonning Cutting. This was opened in 1840, and was the scene of one of the first railway disasters in 1841, when a goods train ran into a landslip.”Did anyone die? “Eagerly asked the Cabin Boy.”It was quite gruesome “continued the First Mate.” In those days Billy, peasants like you and me would have been travelling third class in open trucks”, anyway one day the train ran into a huge big mound of muck caused by a land slip and the train plowed into it, and at the same time throwing  the passengers out of the open trucks. He added,” I think that about ten people copped it.” It must have terrible for their families” added Billy.”Not only that Billy , and because they were stone masons, it delayed some of the work that was being carried out on the Houses of Parliament –you know Billy, all those trendy lefty MP’s of yours in the House of Commons and those toffy nosed friends of yours Captain, that are in the House of Lords and go there just to claim their daily attendance allowance. If you ask me both those houses of parliament are filled with a load of over-paid old duffers  who discuss what to do when something that won’t  ever happen  happens”, said the First Mate”.”And what about that mate of yours First Mate , yea that Enoch Powell, was he right then when he gave his Rivers of Blood speech in the sixties?””Well he was not far wrong you know, he warned about the dangers of mass immigration from the Commonwealth Nations and look at it today, we’ve added another twenty seven countries from the European Union with another nine or ten candidates or potential candidates seeking admission. Tell you more about him,  he was a hell of a clever bloke you know, his  speech  in which he warned  Britain that one day the Asians will  overtake  the white British population and  this will result  in a civil war between the white minority and the Asian majority, helped the Tories  win the next General Election,  and as well as being an ace orator,  he joined the army as a private  reached the rank of brigadier and after leaving Cambridge he became one of the youngest ever appointed full professors of Greek while working in Australia.”

“Wasn’t he sacked from the government after they won the election?” asked the Captain.””Yes he was, but at the next election he urged colleagues to vote Labour  and guess what, the Tories lost the next election in 1974 to that pipe smoking git who used to wear that flasher mac , yes that Harold Wilson”

118. Cabin Boy gets knotted

Two of the essential knots for any boating person to know are the Cleat Hitch and the Bowline.

This was the third trip that the Cabin Boy had been roped into and in his case it proved to be true. Despite constant supervision by both of the other two crew, the Cabin Boy would only receive a grading of E- and the Captains report would be  “William appears to get tied up in knots when it comes to the actual practical side of the art of knot tying and the only type of knot he appeared to like is the possibly that one day he may get dog-knotted himself whilst practising coitus interruptus”.

After several reprimands by the Captain, the Boy did however successfully complete a Cleat Hitch but promptly spoilt it by trying to hide his perfect knot with a knot of toads and for the readers’ education, a knot is the collective noun for a group of toads, and in this case Billy was a toad.

117. Confluences, water gypsies and Tesco’s

Downstream from Caversham on the north bank, lies two features on the Thames that almost make it unique, a confluence and a supermarket superstore on a river.

The confluence is where the River Kennet enters the Thames, and the supermarket superstore is Tesco’s.

The River Kennet links the Thames with the Kennet and Avon Canal and therefore the boater who has all the time in world can now navigate from Reading to Bristol.

Of interest is where this Tesco’s is situated .It is situated out on a limb on the eastern part of Reading with little or no houses in the immediate vicinity. The argument that such stores drive local shops out of business is in this case pure folly .There is now a growing trend for supermarkets to source their own products via their own brands and this  surely is a cause for concern. In the past many supermarket products were obtained from local suppliers and in particular “fresh food” such as meat, fruit and vegetables. Today this is not the case you just go shopping for typical English Sunday lunch. You’ll find lamb from New Zealand, potatoes from Portugal and broccoli from Spain.

 Finally, chew over some facts about our food industry when you next sit down to a meal:

- Food production takes up 25% of the world's land - more than the world's forested area.

- Food in the UK now travels 50% further than it did two decades ago.

- A traditional Sunday lunch made from imported ingredients generates 650 times more carbon emissions than the same meal made from locally grown ingredients.

-  Sustain ,  an organization helping to achieve better nutrition in developing countries have shown  that a basket of 26 items of imported organic produce had travelled, collectively, a distance equivalent to six times round the equator, releasing as much CO₂ as an average family of four does through cooking meals for eight months.

- According to Deloitte  Touche, the largest professional services organization in the world, farm income from a 500-acre farm dropped from £80,000 in 1995/6 to just £2,400 in 2001. Conversely, about $300bn is now spent globally on agricultural subsidies.

- The global acreage of GM crops increased by 12% in 2003, reaching 58.7m hectares.

- In the 1970s, supermarkets offered about 5,000 different lines. Today that figure stands at 40,000.

- In the UK, five major supermarkets control more than 70% of grocery sales. In turn, they deal with fewer than 30 major food suppliers and processors.

116. Gypsy Rose Lee

We have been boating through the years along the Thames and a few years ago we had a surprise. “A woman “, yes a female of the species had eventually been appointed as a full time lock keeperess.

Although her real name is Tanya, we have always called her Gyspy Rose Lee because of her classic Romanic looks. Dark eyes , dark hair, white teeth, a pleasant smile and a nice pair of legs particularly in the summer when a skirt or a pair of culottes are worn.

Gypsie Rose Lee or GRL to the crew , does not wear a hankie  on her head  ,doesn’t wear   a pair of oversized earrings and as far as we know doesn’t quickly look at your half drunk cup of tea and tell you ,more’s  the pity that your boat is going to break down the next day. The only give away sign of her “ethnicity” is her familiar, Skippy a lurcher, who constantly accompanies her on her manly duties as a lock-keeper. We have just learnt that due to health and safety reasons that Skippy is no longer allowed to accompany his mistress to work. Of course such a pretty, well-kept, obedient and docile creature is a threat to any boater of a nervous disposition and it is also well known that such dogs are prone to jumping down or up 5 feet in order to severe the jugulars of innocent people who enjoy boating.

As we were leaving the lock the Captain said” We must have known GRL for over twenty years now”.”Not quite” replied The First Mate”, I remember when she used to be a holiday relief up at Benson, must have still been at school at time”.”Nothing wrong with school girls “ sniggered the Cabin Boy”, I used to get a bit of relief from them on the way back home from school when we  travelled to school by train from Hungerford to Newbury, we used to go into the toilet for a quick one” Now then Billy, you must have been only about twelve or thirteen at the time Billy and don’t say that you were already at it such a tender age”.”Sometimes did it with them two or three times in the train toilet on the way to and back from school”.’Did you ever get caught at it then Billy?”. “Only once when the guard saw smoke coming out from under the door opened, pulled the emergency cord and forced the train to suddenly stop. Luckily for us we beat a quick retreat before he came back and learnt our lesson to never smoke in the bogs of a train again.

D’ya know anything First Mate about the real Gypsy Rose Lee?” asked the  ever inquisitive Cabin Boy.””She was a Yankee girl who used to get her kit off for money, yeh a stripper who used to drive the audience wild by refusing to get all her clothes off to see the naughty bits and then just as the crowd were getting pissed off her, she’d suddenly drop her drawers.

115. Self-service

In order to save money and therefore reduce staff and hence put some loyal faithful servants out to graze, the Environmental Agency in their wisdom have slowly been making many of the locks self-service, in which boaters are allowed to operate themselves when lock keepers are off-duty, on holiday or have just popped in doors for a quick one.

When he had a proper job, the First Mate had been a senior manager in the water industry and unlike many people in top jobs had actually got his hands dirty by actually doing something practical, attending in-service training and slowly but surely progressing up the ladder on a merit basis and not because his Aunt Fanny’s second cousin once removed had been a student or playboy at Oxford.

In such large organisations the Peter Principle is rife whereby in a large organisation with a hierarchal structure   every employee tends to rise to their level of incompetence. Translating this into everyday English is means that only competent people are those who haven’t been promoted and it is these people that actually do the work.

After about 10 minutes the First Mate had still not opened the lock gates and the Cabin Boy went to investigate. The Cabin Boy came out with the solution; “These gates are not multitasking and can only do one thing at a time. You can only open the gates when the sluice gates are fully open and you have to wait until the appropriate light comes on.” Yes even a university graduate can be baffled by simple instructions.” said Billy the Cabin Boy

114. Women folk and boats

The second half of this journey began once again at Caversham where the vessel is moored. It should be remembered that on the first leg of this journey that the Cabin Boy was late and was duly chastised in the usual manner. Yes, hit him several times about his personage with a sweaty sock. The Captain reminded him that it could have been worse, it  with a pair of the big First Mate’s jock strap.

Having learnt from his previous mistake the Cabin Boy used the ultimate alarm clock-her indoors, namely his wife.

Why woman folk turn up unannounced is a mystery to us men folk but is believed that it is not out of love but out of curiosity,

Within two minutes of arriving, the memsahib in question, had boarded the boat and was investigating the sleeping quarters. The Captain soon pointed out the under, aft hidden cabin was where The Boy slept unaccompanied. The First Mate then explained that “The Boy” could be locked in his cabin at night for everyone’s safety”.

When she saw his bed chamber, the said wife refused to leave the vessel and  had to be prised out of the cabin and was almost man-handled over the side to dry land.

“Christ” said the Captain “I thought she’s never leave but what I won’t to know is,what are we really going to do if one  us happens to pull a bird on the journey? .Billy replied “Well I could  always stand guard and hold the video-camera and if it happens to be the First mate who gets lucky, I could  always shout instructions to the cavorting couple.”Now Billy , if you shouted instructions, it would put me off my stroke” said the First  Mate “Let’s  get real “ said the First Mate.”We are all are married and the chances are zero of pulling any women on this trip are zero””. Speak for yourself” said Billy,” I could talk any woman into bed and I could dance any woman into bed” added the Captain “ .“ And I could  walk you both into the divorce court laughed” the First mate. He continued “Besides who gonna want anything to do with us pensioners then? ““Well all those old broads at the Derby and Joan Club, those busty women who serve Meals on Wheels and all those widow women in search of a bit of extra curricula for a start” said the Captain.”But they’re too old for the First Mate and I “said the Cabin Boy”.”Well “said the Captain “You can always put a paper bag on their heads  or gag ‘em with their pension books if you want  and don’t forget women are like wine, they mature with age” You can say that again Captain”  scoffed Billy “Dry, sour and no more   head!”

113.The found Barbour

Phil has a much larger frame than the rest of the crew combined together and therefore has eyes and hat size in direct proportion. Using his superior eyesight, he saw an unwanted, gaily abandoned green Barbour jacket hanging on a fence rail outside the Head of The River pub. No doubt this poor, but very expensive jacket had been left to its devices by some uncaring yuppie or middle class public schoolboy twit who had recently been sent down for indulging in unnatural acts with his four legged friend, Willy the Weasel or his no legged friend Sidney the Trouser Snake.

In a similar way, as in the case of the lonely flower pot, Phil once again like a knight in shining armour, saw to the pathetic looking, abandoned vestment, gently picked it up and gave it to the Captain as a present and as a sign of his great esteem to a person who had safely and without incident had guided them of this uneventful but none the less interesting journey--- so far.

112. Stolen flower pot

To supplement their meagre salaries and free housing in the most of idyllic surroundings, some lock keepers cultivate a range of plants, which they sell at vast plants. Sometimes, and I repeat sometimes these plants are left unsupervised and in such precarious positions that they have to be rescued for their own safety. Such measures often involve removing them from their own homes, at no expense to the owner, and relocating them to the comfort and permanency of your own home. Phil having a green fingered  wife at home, liberated one such purely innocent plant and safety stowed it in the water closet so that it could not be seen by its ungrateful and more importantly uncaring owner who knew it when it was a mere seed and had only  given in a bit of TLC for a  matter of months.

The Captain asked Billy “You’re a bit of a gardener aren’t you Billy?” ”Well I suppose you could put it like that but I would more put it in different words. You see those flowers are some of the most evil creatures in the world, and they are   known for their tendency to use humans as slaves in places known as gardens.  These things take hours and hours of life away from their human slaves, and give us nothing in return. There is only one creature more evil then flowers, and that’s kittens or puppies!”

112. Long -necked sheep

When you first see an alpaca you think that you are looking at long necked sheep and more is that case when they have just been shawn. Once they  have been shawn they look like children’s dolls on stick, all legs and spindly bodies. They are also a bit like small children and when approaching them they all suddenly develop a sense of indignity, stop what they doing at try to out stare you. There is a flock of these funny looking creatures on the shoreline just above Mapledurham lock.

Although they resemble llamas, they belong to a family of camels and they are the most valuable fiber-bearing animals because of the quality and quantity of its fiber. All strange looking creatures have some strange facts about them and the alpaca is no exception. When annoyed at people they spit green spit at you ,when having a dump they use the same communal  dung pile and the females are induced ovulators  which means that  the act of mating and the presence of semen causes them to ovulate, and often leads to conception  after just one mating. Can you imagine what this would do for the world population and the ensuing Armageddon, if man was an alpaca?

111. Lack of juice

110. Lack of juice

On the journey home from Wallingford and around Mapleduram, the Captain reported that we were about to run out of juice and this of course was not his fault but the lack of observation on the crew and that thieving robbing man at Red line marine who refused to give us an extra few gallons for free...gone are the days of true gentleman and in their place we have old boys still trying to make a living by robbing the rich to help to support themselves the poor.

If you are about to run out of fuel and need to stop to refuel make sure that you have an emergency supply to hand and preferably try to do it when it isn’t raining and  if  you need to moor make sure that you do so by   places displaying  “No Mooring “ signs. You may even be more lucky   and see signs saying” Private Mooring”,”Strictly No Mooring” or “Strictly Private No Mooring at All Times”

 Who these people think they are, we don’t know” but we would have liked to have told them exactly who we thought they were” and this wouldn’t have taken much of an effort. Unfortunately for us, no sport was to be had and we moored up on the banks of the grounds of Hardwick House.

“D’ya know anything about the house Captain?” inquired The First Mate “. Not a lot “ came the reply “ But I know a bit “said The Cabin Boy “It’s owned by some Baron bloke and I think that that King Charles, who had his head chopped off used to play bowls on the grass just over there and that guy who wrote the Wind in The Willows based his Toad of Toad Hall on it.

“Why did King Charles get topped then Billy? “ asked the Captain” Well he thought he was above parliament and the law and that he could do as he wanted because he was a divine individual chosen by God for the role of King. Well the tyrannical King tried to overrule people’s rights and liberties and so parliament put him on trial for treason. Well he was found guilty and had his head chopped off in public

110.Gatehampton Bridge

Gatehampton Railway Bridge is a railway bridge carrying the Great Western Main line over the River Thames in Lower Basildon , Berkshire, England. It takes the line between the stations at Goring and Streatley and Pangbourne, and crosses the Thames on the reach between Whitchurch Lock and Goring Lock.

This  brick built arched bridge was built by Isambard Kingdom Brunel in 1838, who also built the Moulsford Railway Bridge which we passed during this trip.

Brunel was a chain smoker, but instead of smoking cigarettes he smoked 40 cigars a day, it is no wonder he died at the tender age of 53 .He is buried in the churchyard in the family grave at Kensal Green, along with a string of other celebrities such as Charles Babbage-the Father of Computing, and the playwrights Harold Pointer and Terence Rattigan. Freddie Mercury’s body was cremated at the same cemetery.