As we approached Staines Bridge, it just clouded over and started to heavily rain so we pulled over and moored upstream of the bridge.
The Captain said “Do you lads know anything about Staines then?”.”Nothing much” replied the Cabin Boy “Except for Staines is the home town of the famous Ali G, and features in his famous "Ali G in da house". It has a cinema, some middle class shops and a skate park. Nobody who lives in Staines ever amounts to much or goes anywhere particularly interesting. The town is twinned with Melun in France, because nobody sane has ever heard about or cares about either of these places”
The First Mate said “However Billy ,you’re forgetting that Staines is famed for one thing”, “and what on earth could that possible be O Wise One” asked Billy the Cabin Boy”.” Well it has the highest chav population in the world,” replied the First Mate.
“So what is a chav then,? “ asked Billy.” The First Mate said “A chav is anyone wearing any kind of Burberry clothing and generally refers to youth usually, although not necessarily in his or her teens who has an undying belief that they are the hardest and coolest individual to have ever walked this planet. The male chav is distinguishable by his bright colours and imitation gold jewelry which he uses to attract chavettes . Any eye contact will be met with a tirade of abuse assuming the chav is with his herd”.The Captain asked “ Can we assume that a chavette is a girl chav then ?”.”Correct Captain “said the First Mate.”A chavette is female chav who is distinguishable by the use of earrings resting on her shoulders, very inappropriate clothing, and a pram. Chavettes are very rarely seen on their own and prefer to hang around with the dominant chav in their herd, usually the father of their child.
Chavish is the dialect of the chav. Believing that he is a bad boy gangsta rapper, the chav or chavette will converse with others in a secret language. Scientists have been working for years on trying to decipher chavish but to no avail. Other than swear words that you will manage to pick out, you will not understand any of this tirade; simply assume it’s not pleasant and probably involves your parents and a dog.”.”Very interesting Phil, but can you give us an example then?”.”OK here goes lads” and in his best and very realistic chavish the First Mate said ”ere dean wats that nigga lookin at-ee is ganna get a beatin-dere be blood on da floor man. oi faggot you startin or wha? yo mumma got banged up by ma dog hoe.”.The Cabin Boy sniggered in his usual way and said “Didn’t take much for you to sound like one of them did it, you sure you’re not from Staines yourself First Mate?”.”Billy”, the First Mate replied” You’d better shut up before I shut you up ,and don’t forget it was you who wanted to know all about Chav’s in the first”.”Sorry Big Fella, only joking, please continue” said the Cabin Boy.The First mate continued “Commonly thought to be of inferior intellect, the Chavette surprises us with its cunning plan to avoid taking up any form of career of employment and provide itself with free accommodation supplied by tax payers by spawning multi- coloured mini chavs at a early stage in life, usually in their mid teens.
Clearly recognisable by their distinctive tribal Burberrys, Chavs congregate in town centres such as in Staines and on street corners, Chavs have a reputation of being creative with public property and motor vehicles, building themselves Chaviots out of Mechano sets and strip lighting, and providing us with humorous banter written on toilet walls like ‘Shit’ and ‘Tasha woz ere’ in an attempt to relieve our boredom while urinating.
Their language is a basic form of English thus avoiding any words they cannot spell or pronounce, even to the extent of creating new words only they know the meaning of.
Hunting in large groups Chavs will single out the weakest, smallest prey and attack it without mercy avoiding any personal injury and insuring victory.
Chavs unfortunately don't yet fall into the category of rodent and in effect cannot be bludgeoned to death under the guise of pest control. More’s the pity.
I think I speak for everyone when I say thank you Chavs for the great contribution you’ve made to this country, you’ve made it what it what it is today – a shit hole. In short, a chav is a sub species of human .And that Billy ends your education on Chavs ” said the First Mate.The First Mate sat down smiling and adopting a gron of self satisfaction”.The Captain turned and whisperd to the Cabin Boy “Thank fuck Billy we didn’t ask him about the virtues of being English, we’d have still have been here in a week’s time”.
No comments:
Post a Comment