Maidenhead, on the face of it, drums up an air of expectation. Well in our case, it was not the case. The town is boring, the pubs are crap and there is nothing much to do there. However, it does have a number of bridges if there is a single civil engineer amongst our readers.
Having left Bray, the first bridge encountered we encountered was a concrete structure which crosses over the M4 Motorway. This bridge was built in the 1960’s and is one of the only four Thames bridges, which carries motorway traffic.
The cabin Boy said “Maidenhead must have the most bridges of any place I know in England next to London of course”.”Over the River Thames, yes Billy but I’m sure there’s other places in England which have more, what d’ya reckon First Mate?”.
“ I don’t really know,” replied the First Mate, “But I would probably go for somewhere up in Geordieland ,probably Newcastle”.” I agree with the First Mate” added the Captain.” I remember my dad taking me by train from Liverpool to see the Reds play the Magpies in the early sixties, and there was a series of bridges over the Tyne, just like the bridges over the Thames in London.But if you wanna talk about cities with bridges you want to talk about Pittsburg.My wife was working in Pittsburg a fewe years ago and I accompanied her on this trip.We were staying in theis godforsaken hotel, and we had to be bussed miles to this conference centre in the city centre.Well I can tell you , that place Pittsburgh is covered in bridges.In this bar one night, I asked this old boy about why all the bridges in Pittsburgh?”.He told me “ Pittsburgh has over 400 bridges within its city limits and its not surprising when you think there are three main rivers with dozens of tributaries gfeeding them, and then of course you look around you at those hills, Pittsburg has more ups and downs than a whore’s draws.
“That may well be the case First Mate”, But don’t forget we have the most famous bridge of all...Tower Bridge” chipped in the Captain. The First Mate turned red and bellowed, “Don’t be silly Captain, “We flogged that heritage piece of London to some Yankee, yes and I mean piece, by piece. He took it down brick by brick, and then rebuilt it in some theme park. Apparently, this guy from America made his fortune from nuclear waste disposal. Probably coated it with some of this waste nuclear crap, so that it would glow in the dark. And, furthermore another Yank bought London Bridge a few years previous!”
A little bit farther, down the river we passed under another bridge, the Maidenhead Railway Bridge.
The First Mate shouted to the Captain to slow down as we entered the arch and chanted out aloud “England, England”.”Now then lads “Did you hear that echo. You see this arch is sometimes referred to as the Sounding Arch because of the tremendous echo it produces. At some time in the past, this bridge was the longest and flattest bridge in the world and, was designed by Brunel”. “You mean the same guy who designed the Box Tunnel and that other bridge we saw up Goring way?”. “Well done Cabin Boy, receive a gold star for paying attention,” mocked the First Mate”. Playfully, the Cabin Boy asked the Captain” Permission to lick his boots Sir”.”Now Billy Boy stop that filthy talk at once or I’ll be forced to tell your wife about your dirty little habits, and speaking of habits, if you’re not careful , I’ll report you to our boozing pal....the Friar Stewpot King” for arse licking”.”Come come Captain, I did only say boots” echoed the Cabin Boy”.” No Billy that how it all starts and it before you know it, you find yourself enjoying yourself so much , that you start to travel north and end up on the Hershey Highway!!
As we approached Maidenhead, we could see the seven arches of the Thames Maidenhead Bridge. This bridge divided Maidenhead in the Royal County of Berkshire from the more common , Buckinghamshire village of Taplow. Apparently, in past times, this bridge used to be a toll road but the number of people who opposed to the toll bridge grew, and the toll bridge gates were thrown into the river, after it had been declared illegal to charge tolls, by an Act of Parliament, for crossing the Thames at this point.
Maidenhead appears to be populated with townies, rude boys and pompous middle class people driving BMWs, Mercs and SUVs.
Townies are, to put it simply - sheep. They follow whatever trends are in fashion, for about 3 weeks, and then go onto the next thing; they are also very noticeable by their clothing: The males wear dodgy cheap tracksuits and sports clothes, usually bought from that cheapy shop JJB. They wear baseball caps with the peaks pointing straight up, and they usually have their trouser legs tucked into their socks, perhaps for some sort of primitive enjoyment
Such people drive sport utility vehicles, which are neither a sport vehicle nor a utility vehicle. These cars are an attempt by the motor vehicle industry to lure overpaid middle class workaholic moms to think that they need a 3 litre Gas-guzzling motor vehicle designed for off-road driving while only 5% of SUV owners ever go off road vehicle, to carry their stupid kids to soccer practice.
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