210. The Bull at Sonning

The Bull at Sonning is another of the pubs visited by the   original Three Men in a Boat team and so we just had ro visit it as well. The following passage describes it in the book

“We got out at Sonning, and went for a walk round the village.  It is the most fairy-like little nook on the whole river.  It is more like a stage village than one built of bricks and mortar.  Every house is smothered in roses, and now, in early June, they were bursting forth in clouds of dainty splendour.  If you stop at Sonning, put up at the "Bull," behind

the church.  It is a veritable picture of an old country inn, with green, square courtyard in front, where, on seats beneath the trees, the old men group of an evening to drink their ale and gossip over village politics; with low, quaint rooms and latticed windows, and awkward stairs and winding passages”

Seeing that what written over 120 years ago, things haven’t changed that much. The Bull still consists of low beams and around the court yard there are a series of tables for people to chat.

On entering the Bull, the Captain was recognised by one of his former college colleagues in the form of mathematician and statistician supremo Paul Roberts who he hadn’t seen for many years. “” said Paul” but not as kind as to you, if I remember correctly you retired four years before me at the grand age of 48. “Wrong “said Paul “48 years,2 months and 28 days”...once a mathematician always a mathematician. The Captain wondered if Paul did everything by numbers including the bedroom room department....Up two three, in two three, out two three etc etc

209. The George and Dragon and Gastro pubs

The George and Dragon is situated on the south side of the Thames at Wargrave is now classified as a Gastro pub.

Gastro pubs take simple meals and change them into more expensive meals by using finer ingredients and even fancier names such as fish and chips becomes a grilled fish entree accompanied with deep fried potato pieces and Shepherd’s pie becomes fresh ground lamb marinated in an secret recipe gravy, mixed with  English vegetables and topped with a  potato blend of several different  types of potatoes  containing an array of cheeses.

In our opinion a gastronomical  pub is a pub which charges astronomical  prices for  pub grub.

When we visited the G and D it was pretty quiet and the Captain was taken back that this chain of pubs has taken Timothy Taylor’s Landlord bitter off at the pumps. When asked “Why” the Captain was told that it was a hard beer to keep. The Captain thought was a lot of Tommy Rot, couldn’t be bothered to find out how to keep it more likely.

The story of St.George and the Dragon of course is pure fantasy since dragons only exist in people’s minds particularity when they’ve been on a heroin and cocaine cocktail.

Apparently St.George rescued a princess in Libya from the jaws of a dragon which was about to eat her. He made the sign of the cross, jumped upon his horse and then killed the dragon with his lance.

Many years later Sir Winston Churchill called his personal aircraft  used during World War II  Ascalon  named after St.George’s sword.

208. Brief History of Pub signs

Everyone loves an “Olde Worlde” pub with its oak beams, horse brasses and roaring log fires. Nevertheless, no matter how old the pub itself, the name on the sign outside is probably the most historic thing about the place.

The idea of the pub sign came to Britain at the time of the Roman invasion. Wine bars in ancient Rome hung bunches of vine leaves outside as trading signs but when the Romans came here, they found precious few vines in the inhospitable climate. Instead, they hung up bushes to mark out the inns and the names Bush or Bull & Bush still survive.

Some of the earlier pubs were named after the Holy War crusades such as The Turks head and the Saracens head. Later pubs were named after both real and imaginary people such as Lord Nelson, Marquis of Granby, Dick Turpin and the George and Dragon.

Old age sports are often used in pub names such as The Angler for fishing, The Bear for bear baiting fans and the Cock for followers of the blood thirty sport of cock-fighting.

Predominant trades of an area would  also give pubs their  names such as The Coopers Arms, The Golden Fleece and The Wheelwights Arms.

Transport also features in many pub names including The Railway Tavern, The Pack Horse and The Horse and Groom to name a few.

207. Fat bastard

A couple of times during our trip we had seen a narrow boat with the strange name of Eostre being driven by some fat bloke. We know it was the same guy because over a ten day period he was seen wearing the same clothes. An Australian Outback  hat similar to that of the Captains and a red and whitish chequered shirt. He also had a rat like ginger beard and the big belly was a certain give away sign. He had been seen in several take-aways along the way which accounted for his obesity. Fish and chips at Oxford, kebabs at Oxford and scoffing a very large pork pie at Old Windsor lock.

If you think of what a typical Kraut would look like well you would have been right, he would have looked just like the fat bastard who was the captain of the vessel Eostre .And furthermore guess  what the derivation of Eostre is?... a very obscure German goddess.

206. The Magistrate

There are people who own luxury homes on the River Thames who think that they own the river such as the guy at Cleeve Mill , however that gentleman is meek and mild compared to  the previous owner of the pale blue house on Green Island close to Marsh Lock.

The Captain and The First mate have had many dealings with Mr.Timpkins in the past when they have been fishing there.

On many occasions the above gentleman came out and informed us that this mill pond was private and that he owned it and that he would call the police. Once he called the police and when the woman came down to see us, we pretended to be deaf and just carried on fishing oblivious to her gesticulations and loud shouts from Mr.Timkins.

On another occasion, we deliberately fished there on Christmas Day and Boxing Day, and on these occasions he really went off the off the head and was jumping up and down on his newly erected footbridge and said he was magistrate and would have something done about us. The next day, the Captain received a phone call from a Sergeant Spirrox from Henley Police station concerning a complaint from Mr.Timpkins regarding  illegal fishing. The Captain told him that abuse of Timpkins position as a magistrate was a serious offence and hoped that he wasn’t in cahoots with Timpkins, because if he was, he wondered what the Chief Constable of Oxfordshire would have to say about it.  The Captain continued “Can I have your full name, police number and the name, address and phone number of your superior officer please”. Needless to say the phone went dead.

Taking about dead, the Captain decided to really cook impkin’s goose for him and wrote to the Chief Navigation Officer, Keith Johnson concerning boating access, another letter with the appropriate fee to the Land Registry at Gloucester and a final letter to the Environmental Agency concerning a ferry chain which Timpkins had put across the entrance to the Mill Pond.

And then the day of reckoning came. As usual Mr.Timpkins saw us and came out straight away and started his usual rant. The Captain said “Mr.Timpkins, I have some information which you might like to hear; you see I now have your case fully documented. I have a letter from the Navigation Officer stating that no part of the River Thames is private and access is available to all boats. Secondly I have a letter from the Environmental Agency stating that the installation of a ferry chain is illegal if it blocks a navigable part of the river and that they will be investigating it thoroughly  and finally you self-opinionated,  arrogant bastard, I’ve saved the best for last. I have a copy of the deeds of your house and it clearly marks on the plan that your property ends at your garden..O and I forgot to say that I haven’t heard back from The Chief Constable about trying to use your magistrate powers to influence a police officer and I also have not heard anything yet from the Senior Planning Officer about your planning application for that bridge you are standing on, I daresay they’ll be in touch. Now be a good old boy and fuck off and leave us alone before you accidently fall of that bridge and do us all a favour and drown”

205. Self abuse

Masturbation is still a taboo subject when it come to the foibles of people and the term “wanker “ is a modern term of abuse used universally by boaters in England both past and present. The noun wank  is the term for self-abuse or self-gratification and wanker is a person who practises this human activity of which it he best studies of this subject are now quite old. They found approximately 95% of men and about 60% of women claim to have masturbated. There is reason to think the figures for women would be higher if another comprehensive study were done today, and assuming that the statistics given are culturally constant...there are 6,000,000,000 people (given), and that 51% of the population is represented by the female gender, 49% by the male (given), and 95% of men masturbate, 60% of women (cite: Seumas). This should be sufficient to answer the question.

2,940,000,000 x 0.95 = Number of men who masturbate = 2,793,000,000

Over

3,060,000,000 x 0.60 = Number of women who masturbate = 1,836,000,000.

Thus in the world there are an awful lot of wankers.In the ensuing discussion on this common and worldwide activity, the Captain came up with terms for self abuse such as having a J.Arthur, choking the turkey and having a five finger shuffle.The First Mate went straight to jerking the gherkin, pulling the pudding,  shaking hands with the unemployed and going with Ms Thumb and her four daughters.Last but not least, the Cabin boy showed his superior knowledge of history and came up with Shakin your Sir Francis Bacon, Pinning St. Thomas Moore to the Floor, Negotiating a separate peace with Thomas a-Beckett, Waving the writ of Habeas Corpus to the Sheriff of Nottingham.

After each of the crew had had their turn in describing different words or sayings for masturbation, the Captain said I remember one April Fool’s day a few years ago reading a bit of a spoof article in some magazine like Private Eye about a passionate masturbator. Apparently a guy in London described himself as a passionate masturbator admitted that he had spiked his own drink with the date rape drug Rohypnol so that he could have his wicked way with himself.

The man  had told the police that he had deliberately set out to prey upon his own manhood by slipping the potent sedative into his own pint of beer while he wasn't looking .He said that his plan from the very outset was to take full advantage of himself while his own defences were down. When interviewed by the police he also said “I went out that night really looking for some old fashioned self-abuse  when I saw this hottie bit of hand leaning on the bar, I slipped myself a pill , and the next thing I knew I was taking myself back to my pad for a quick one” The police described the man as one of a number of predatory masturbators who are currently operating in pubs in and around London. In fact it’s fair to say that most London pubs and bars are full of wankers” said a police spokesperson.

204. Sister ships

 The vessel Lorna II , which was used for our journey is a  Pace Boat Company’s  Reflection 23 ft built in about 1992 .Well up until this year when the Captain told fellow captains what boat he had ,nobody had ever heard of one. Suddenly like “critters” crawling out of the woodwork, five such captains knew of one.

The first recollection was from the Captain from the Vessel Yes Dear 3 who we met at Benson lock.Talk about a boring git, this guy bent the First Mate’s and Captain’s ears for an hour on the subject and we learnt from him  that there only 48 of these made and ,most of them are on the Ouse and Thames navigation systems. They were originally produced by a company Freeman had allegedly bought out and that they were destined to flood   the American, European and English markets but this never materialised. Not   surprising when you find out that these beasts are sea going vessels, like to be driven in speeds in excess of 25 knots and, have a huge Volva Penta  petrol engine which costs a fortune to run.

When we broke down before the last breakdown ,if that sounds English!, the Captain of Taiwan II, which is moored at Purley Creek Marina, who had given  us a tow to the a boatyard, told us that he used to own one and, the Captain of Mr.Moonlight ,who we met on our   journey at Wallingford  , now has   a 55 foot Broom, also told us that he used to have one. The  skipper of the Kasmir Poppy , also told us that  used to have a Reflection and finally, the lock keeper at Abingdon lock used to have one. All these people seemed proud “used to own one”.

But  when we walked around the moorings on the promenade at Henley,  the Captain said to his crew “Talk about small worlds again ,look over there’s another two of them moored  up at that jetty “.These boats were called Cue e Too and Cumulus.The Captain continued “Do you realise lads that if you include our vessel , we now know  about 8 of the 48 Reflections which the Pace Boat Company built”. The First Mate said” You’re starting to sound just like that boring git we met at Benson a few weeks ago, time for a beer I reckon”.