72. Pub with no beer

“A pub with no beer is a humorous country song” that originated from a poem written by an Irish guy named Dan Sheahan and was made famous by several country singers including Slim Dusty. Well would you believe it that this gold topping record which came out in 1957 is still valid almost half-a-century later. Such a pub is the Brewery Gate in Oxford which has large Real Ale signage adorning its frontage and guess what?  this boozer is next to the Morrells Brewery. On closer examination of the brewery building,  has now been converted into a group of up-market pads. Sadly Morrells which was the only and oldest brewery (1782) to be found in Oxford was sold in 2002 to the large pub and beer retailer Greene King. The company keeping the 132 pubs with the loss of about 70 jobs.

Greene King managed to create some fuss with its steamy ad campaign for IPA and Abbot Ale, featuring a woman tied to a bed having her toes licked and the slogan: "some things get better given longer". Lucky woman, lucky toes, lucky licker, shame about the beer though.

71. Skullion

Oxford is the oldest of all universities in the English speaking world and the third oldest next to those of University of Bologna in Italy and Paris University in France, and was founded in 1096 after King Henry II banned English students from studying in France, which was not such a bad thing. Bringing up gentleman in an environment of people who eat frogs and snails, don’t wash regularly and crap and piss in the in street, is not the sort of environment in which bright, eyed and bushy tailed English academics should be seen in never mind being taught in a foreign language.

On passing Christchurch College, the Captain walked through the archway to speak to the Head Porter Mr.Norman Allen. Norman told the Captain “I have been a porter for  here for 30  years and prior I was in the  Royal Marines .My dad was also head porter here and that’s how I got a job here .I can remember when this college was renowned  for its high standard of cuisine and the prowess of it’s rowers and learning  was of a low priority. Yes, indeed when I first came here it was like a gentleman’s club with definitely no council house kids and admittance was decided purely by rank and wealth. Nowadays, see what they’ve done to it. Women students, Johnnie machines in the toilets, a self-service cafeteria .”Christ “ said the Captian “You sound  just like my favourite character Skullion in some of the Tom Sharpe books” “ Oh you mean Porterhouse Blue and the Grantchester Grind” Norman said” He continued “ I could sound like Zipster, Sir Godber ,the Dean or The Senior Tutor if you like” .Norman then let out a loud laugh and said” As   soon as I met you I realised that you were a big Tom Sharpe fan, just as I am, and  so I decided to have a bit of fun”.”What just like those gas filled condoms with attached French ticklers floating over the skyline just behind the tower in the corner of the courtyard?  The porter turned around quickly only to hear the Captain say” Gothca Norman, that evens the score”.
The Captain then told the crew that he once knew a girl called Skullion."Well that was not her real name" he said."Her real name was Dawn and like my wife, she defies the adage that the average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think, and in both their cases they have both.And getting back to my friend Dawn, she's the only woman I've known that has graduated both from Oxford and Cambridge Universities."."Well Captain" said Billy " Your wife Captain couldn't have had much  brains 'cos she married you","Yes Billy , you may be right, but in her case she had at least some, and in your case ....none"

70. An old university town

The first two things that you notice when walking around Oxford are a series of old buildings and the second thing is the vast crowds of foreign tourists studying our superlative history and architecture. As you approach the main shopping area of Oxford via St.Aldates you will find that people are like ants and they don’t walk in straight lines and often mar your progress by getting by getting in your way. If they had been ants, you could have just have stamped on them.

Well why did Oxford become a settlement? Well look at Abingdon and Wallingford just down river and there lies you answer-water plain and simple. Oxford had on the best fords for soldiers to cross the Thames and this historic town was originally built almost in its entirety in the angle between the River Thames and the River Cherwell.

It is now an important cultural, economic and scientific centre and its famous buildings include the Asmolean Museum, the Bodleian Library, the Radcliffe Camera and the Sheldonian Theatre which was designed by Sir Christopher Wren.

69. A sharp eye

Finding a mooring around Christchurch meadow is often quite difficult due its popularity and this is because it is just a stones throw away from the city of Oxford.

I will now describe how best to find a mooring. Approach very slowly the moorings and try to be covert and look for a boat that is turning around. This boat has probably seen a mooring and is turning back to take it. Captains should seize the moment and drive straight into such a vacant mooring pretending not to see what has been happening. If there is sufficient space for two boats, position your boat equidistant between the two spaces so that you are placed in such a position that you don’t have to look at the out manoeuvred and often irate captain. If he does on the off chance still manage to get a space, disembark from the boat as soon as you can so that you can’t see the contempt in his eyes. And if does approach you about this, tell him that you were not driving but your friend was, who is a very big old boy with a very short fuse,  and speaking of fuses, this will usually diffuse the situation in a heartbeat.

68. Cabin boy gets a bollocking

Children and particularly the male of the species often need to called to heal and told of the error of their ways and although quite a large boy for his tender age, the Cabin Boy was told off for his own safety.

You see when you tie a rope to a boat via a cast iron cleat or capstan and then the lock empties; the boat will be left in suspended in mid-air above the water and if the rope snaps the boat and the crew are both in the wet stuff and probably in the brown stuff.

Similarly walking a boat to within a feet or two of the sluice gate is dangerous due to pull forward of the boat resulting in it smashing against the steel lock gates or suddenly becoming   capsized by rapidly filling with water.

Both these crimes were not spotted by the Captain, and thus the Cabin Boy avoided a severe tongue bashing  in the first instance and  in case of the second, and  more life threatening mistake,  would not be allowed to join the Captain and Mate in the on their nightly excursions to a series of local boozers.

Fortunately for the boy, the young lady lock keeper being partially sighted took a fancy to young Billy Boy Blue and after telling him he had been a very naughty and twice naughty little boy allowed us to pass through the lock and continue on our journey.

66. Big soups

According to the bible (Deuteronomy 8: 2-3),”Man does not live by bread alone” but when you have bread it is very good for you two-fold. You can spend your bread on beer and you can use your bread for soaking up beer and in our case, both of these apply.

After a session on the “amber nectar for boys “or after an even longer session on “proper beer for men”, there is often a development of a severe case of the munchies. Such hunger pains are easily abated by the gulping down of copious amounts of soup mopped up with bread. It is surprising how everything tastes so good after over-indulgence even though you can’t read the label on the tin, that the best by date on the tin expired some two years previous.

66. Grannies

When it comes to specialist subjects, we all know what Jimmy’s, yes the pursuit of grannies in the biblical sense.

When leaving the Kings Head at Sanford, after quenching our thirst, a couple of women threw themselves at Jimmy and quickly engaged him in conversation, which took at least a microsecond, as was there way. It transpired that they were from a family of five generations of females, and they themselves were both grannies. The younger granny was obviously out to attract a man’s attention and had her pair of puppies on partial display. Unfortunately not Labradors more Corgi like.

We were told by the elder of the grannies, Pat “We are a   part of a five generation family and we have recently been featured on a local TV show together .The youngest is our Rosie, she’s a three year “.The crew turned around to see a young girl who was joyfully skipping around the pub’s garden. The Captain asked about the great, great, great grandmother.” Of my mother Ethel you mean, she’s still alive and well and she’s  93 almost 94”,  Granny Pat, opened up her handbag, and produced a picture  and  said “Have a look at my mum “, Jimmy lovingly studied the picture with loving affection  and almost got the horn.