“That’s were Henry VIII used to live” said The First mate “and all those wives “said the Captain. “A bit like you” then added the Cabin Boy, “No Billy a bit like other persons wives like you Billy,” quipped the First Mate.” Now gentleman lets stop that bitch like behavior and if we have to discuss anything about Good Ole Henry, we will keep to the facts”. “OK “said the Cabin Boy “But he did have eight wives didn’t he Phil and that’s why he was called Henry the eighth”. “No you silly boy, he was called eighth because he was the eighth English monarch to be called Henry” replied the Captain, but the Cabin Boy wouldn’t let it go,” Go on then “said the Captain” Name them all then Billy”.
“Well there was that one who had three tits “, “No, no “ said the Captain “She had six fingers”, “You mean three on each hand”, said the Cabin Boy, “No six on each hand Billy,” came the reply from the Captain “.”Very good at dealing a pack of cards, she must have been very good at the six finger shuffle” added the First mate. “Ann Bolin said the Captain, “No any any ”exclaimed Billy,“Some French Tart, I remember her now, she was called Anne Boleyn.
“Then there was those two with the same name” said the First Mate,” You mean like Marilyn Monroe and Marliyn Monroe,” quipped the Captain. “No, he means something like Arrogant Catherine and Purring Catherine, no I don’t I mean Catherine of Arrogan
and Catherine Parr.
Ah yes it’s all coming back that Arrogant one was his brother’s wife and old enough to be his granny, couldn’t give him kids because she was like a dried up old prune .So he had the marriage annulled because she was family” said the Captain.
“That’s what happened to Anne Boleyn “explained the First Mate. “She was caught having it off with her brother or sister and also having it off with some wine waiter and was tried for incest and adultery, found guilty and was topped for it.
“Then there was that one, Anne of something “continued The First Mate,” The one he said looked like a horse. Apparently she was that ugly, he couldn’t get a hard-on and had the marriage annulled.I’ve just remembered it now, it was Anne of Cleaves”.
“Wasn’t there another one he had topped?” asked the Cabin boy, “Yes there was Billy “said the Captain.”Yes that’s it, that young girl played by that Asher girl on the telly, the one who used to hang about with Paul Mc Cartney from the Beatles. You mean Jane Asher who played Jane Seymour “resounded the First Mate.” Studied it at school lads “triumphantly said the First Mate. “Read about it in a Christmas cracker more likely “said the Captain.
“You’re wrong you know “said the First Mate,” There were three Catherines he married. There was another one he had topped. “ .“Ah yes” said the Cabin Boy,” Catherine Howard, she was caught with her panties down and was beheaded for adultery.”
The First Mate asked “ I really wonder what they looked like?” to which the Captain said “Why don’t you google it on your iphone Billy?”.In less than a minute the crew were looking at Henry’s wives and the First Mate said” Don’t they all look the same, with those little beady eyes”.”Well I can you guys why if you listen to me for a minute. A few weeks ago I was in London with my missus and we visited the National Portrait Gallery and if my memory serves me correct, they were all painted by the Dutch artist Hans Holbein, and that is why they look the same”.”The First Mate put his hand over his mouth and feigned yawning, and the Cabin Boy shut his eyes and pretended to snore.The Captain continued his monologue on the Dutch guy.”As you know , I was born in Liverpool and I remember seeing a portrait of Henry VIII in the Walker Art Gallery and it was painted by the same fellow.”O you mean Monsieur Dulux Crown from Dagenham interrupted the First Mate” .To which the Cabin Boy added “ I thought he was painted by that Aussie guy with the beard, you know, Rolf Harris”.
The Cabin Boy laughed and said “The sign of a good painting is when the eyes in the picture follow you around the room and so those pictures of Henry’s wife’s must be good”. The First Mate continued the banter with “Sometimes Billy that can be true Billy but in the case of Rueben’s work it’s not the eyes ,it’s the tits and bums that follow you around the room".
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