174. The Angler’s

So much can be learnt from a couple of phone calls and speaking to the right person or persons.

The Captain being an ornithologist wondered why on earth the Anglers sign at Walton consisted of two diminutive guys fishing whilst the main character in the sign was a Ring Necked parakeet, normally a native of India?.

Well when Honor, the barmaid was asked she vaguely knew but said that if we spoke to the one of the directors of the company Lee Bradshaw, he would be better placed to answer the question and being a useful girl, she gave us his pho ne number. Like Sherlock Holmes, the Captain phoned only to find out that he was not in the office today and then the lady on the other end of the phone, who turned out to be the company accountant asked the most useful of all questions, that a person can ask “Can I help”. Well she certainly did.

It appears that Walton on Thames has its own local flock of Ringed necked parakeets which wheel through the sky in their multi-coloured splendor and often draw the attention of anglers who may be fishing under their flight path. So there it was, the mystery solved just like that. Billy then asked the Captain” How did they get here from India then”. “Smuggled through the Chunell in the back of a juggernaut I expect “scoffed the Captain. “That can’t be right “said Billy, India is not connected to France”.”OK”. The Captain said “I’ll come clean” There was a guy down the road in sunny, suburban Surbiton who crossed a punk rocker porg with a parrot and the resulting off-spring, flew the nest prematurely and decided to live happy ever after on the banks of the River Thames, and Billy Boy he added “If  you ask a silly question, you are bound to get a sillier answer, just ask Phil”.

The crew sat outside in a series of brightly coloured deck chairs and the Cabin Boy started to sing “

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside

I do like to be beside the sea

I do like to stroll upon the Prom,Prom ,Prom”

And then the First Mate and the Captain joined in

“Where the brass bands play”

Tiddely-om-pom-pom

I’ll be beside myself with glee”

173 .The Fire Crew and Pharaoh’s Island

We often hear fire engines before we see them and the crew are often difficult to see because of the sizes of their helmets.

Well for once, without their fire engine and enlarged helmets, we met a fire crew in the lock at Shepperton and asked them what they were doing. The Leader or more precisely the leading fireman , Pete , told us “ We’re  are on a day’s   on a day’s  special training concerning water rescue, searching for lost bodies and  how to deal with burning boats.

The  First Mate asked Pete “What’s   are involved in your  normal duties then?” .Pete replied “ Our   five main activities  are fire fighting , attending road traffic accidents, pipeline emergencies and dealing with hazardous and radioactive materials and of course rescuing cats from trees for grannies  and prising the heads of little boys with big ears from school railings.” .He then added  “ Our  main activity these days is education and helping to  make  the general public  aware of dangers, how these dangers  can be avoided and the steps which you can take to make you safe from such dangers.” .” It’s the same everywhere mate” said the First Mate”. ”Health and Safety, it’s gone mad and taking over this country, but in your job, I can see the real need for it”. “Yes “said Pete, “Fire is catholic and it doesn’t care, who you are, or what you are, it will bring you down!”

As we passed through the lock The Cabin Boy said “I can’t see what fire has got to do with religion”.” It hasn’t Billy, it just means that fire is universal and can affect everything”. The First Mate sniggered, “He probably thought that a catholic was a person addicted to cats!!”

Once we had passed through the lock, we decided to pull over and moor up for a cup of tea. As soon as we stopped, the lock keeper was on out back straight away and said” I hope you boys are going to stay there long just in case some boats from upstream have to wait for my pound to fill up”.”Excuse me Sir, “replied the Cabin Boy” ,”We are just weary boaters stopping for a cup of tea and enjoying your beautiful lock, can you tell us anything about it ?”.Mick the lock-keeper said , I don’t know a lot really, I’m not a proper lock-keeper, I’m just a lock-keeper for the Summer but I thick that the lock was built in about 1820 ish because boats kept getting stuck in the shallows in the summer and of course , all the rich knobs in those big houses over there ,were concerned that their houses would get flooded in the winter time. As in the case with many of these earlier locks on the river, it was built out of wood but has now been replaced by stone and the original oak beams have been replaced by a metal hydraulic system.”The Cabin said “I thought you didn’t know much about it?”.”Well gentlemen , I  still don’t know much about it, but Johnny the resident lock-keeper ,told me all about it, just in case , boaters engaged me in conversation for just for  conversations sake !!”.The First Mate chuckled and asked Mick, is there anything else interesting he could tell us about Shepperton lock.I suppose you know about the island?” The Cabin Boy said “O, you mean D’Oyly Carte Island and Gilbert and Sullivan etc.”.”Mick said “No, if you look upstream you see that island surrounded by willows, where those posh houses are, well that Pharaoh’s Island.”.Mick continued “Apparently, so Johnny told me , it was given to Admiral Nelson after  the English fleet hammered the French fleet in the   Battle of the Nile “.But the Cabin interrupted “Well if we were fighting the Froggies ,why was it called the Battle of the Nile then?”.Mick answered” because it was fought in the Nile estuary just off the Egyptian coast”. The Cabin determined to test Mick’s knowledge to the hilt asked Mick another question.”Well what did Nelson use the island for?’ Mick laughed and said “Apart from getting away from inquisitive big school boys like you young man, he used it as a fishing retreat. And you see those willows surrounding it, it was on that very island that Gilbert and Sullivan wrote the song Willow,Tit Willow for the Mikado opera. Just to complete the picture Mick added” I think that all the houses on the island have Egyptian names and the biggest house on the island is called The Sphinx”.

172. Pink Panties

Just when boating for hours and hours and you are getting bored something always crops up or catches your eye. Having slowed down because of the large wake created by some speeding Dutch barge and having threatened to drown the bastards, the First Mate espied something on the river bank. The Captain ordered the First Mate to slow down and stop over on the south bank of the river. The Captain jumped off and investigated the source of the First Mate’s interest.

The First Mate had seen a pair of pink panties on the River Bank. The Captain picked them up and said “Phil they’re too big for you but they may fit the Cabin Boy”. Yuck said the Cabin Boy, I’m not wearing any dirty panties”. The Captain examined the panties with tender, loving care and declared that they were very clean indeed with no stains at all front and back and to prove it and having a mind of their own, the panties suddenly threw themselves gusset- wise onto the Captain’s willing nasal organ with the minimal help from the Captain.

Just how a pair of pristine panties could get onto the river bank was a mystery but as we journeyed  down the river we did see several ladies wearing pink clothes and just wondered which of these had discarded her panties and  far more interestingly for what reason and why?

171. The Good, the Bad and several Uglies -the Wives of Henry VIII

“That’s were Henry VIII used to live” said The First mate “and all those wives “said the Captain. “A bit like you” then added the Cabin Boy, “No Billy a bit like other persons wives like you Billy,” quipped the First Mate.” Now gentleman lets stop that bitch like behavior and if we have to discuss anything about Good Ole Henry, we will keep to the facts”. “OK “said the Cabin Boy “But he did have eight wives didn’t he Phil and that’s why he was called Henry the eighth”. “No you silly boy, he was called eighth because he was the eighth English monarch to be called Henry” replied the Captain, but the Cabin Boy wouldn’t let it go,” Go on then “said the Captain” Name them all then Billy”.

“Well there was that one who had three tits “, “No, no “ said the Captain “She had six fingers”, “You mean three on each hand”, said the Cabin Boy, “No six on each hand Billy,” came the reply from the Captain “.”Very good at dealing a pack of cards, she must have been very good at the six finger shuffle” added the First mate. “Ann Bolin said the Captain, “No any any ”exclaimed Billy,“Some French Tart, I remember her now, she was called Anne Boleyn.

“Then there was those two  with the same name” said the First Mate,” You mean like Marilyn  Monroe and Marliyn Monroe,” quipped the Captain. “No, he means something like Arrogant Catherine and Purring Catherine, no I don’t I mean Catherine of Arrogan

  and Catherine Parr.

Ah yes it’s all coming back that Arrogant one was his brother’s wife and  old enough to be his granny, couldn’t give him kids because  she was like a dried up old prune .So he had the marriage annulled because she  was family” said the Captain.

“That’s what happened to Anne Boleyn “explained the First Mate. “She was caught having it off with her brother or sister and also having it off with some wine waiter and was tried for incest and adultery, found guilty and was topped for it.

“Then there was that one, Anne of something “continued The First Mate,” The one he said looked like a horse. Apparently she was that ugly, he couldn’t get a hard-on and had the marriage annulled.I’ve just remembered it now, it was Anne of Cleaves”.

“Wasn’t there another one he had topped?” asked the Cabin boy, “Yes there was Billy “said the Captain.”Yes that’s it, that young girl played by that Asher girl on the telly, the one who used to hang about with Paul Mc Cartney from the Beatles. You mean Jane Asher who played Jane Seymour “resounded the First Mate.” Studied it at school lads “triumphantly said the First Mate. “Read about it in a Christmas cracker more likely “said the Captain.

“You’re wrong you know “said the First Mate,” There were three Catherines he married. There was another one he had topped. “ .“Ah yes” said the Cabin Boy,” Catherine Howard, she was caught with her panties down and was beheaded for adultery.”

The First Mate asked “ I really wonder what they looked like?” to which the Captain said “Why don’t you google it on your iphone Billy?”.In less than a minute the crew were looking at Henry’s wives and the First Mate said” Don’t they all look the same, with those little beady eyes”.”Well I can you guys why if you listen to me for a minute. A few weeks ago I was in London with my missus and we visited the National Portrait Gallery and if my memory serves me correct, they were all painted by the Dutch artist Hans Holbein, and that is why they look the same”.”The First Mate put his hand over his mouth and feigned yawning, and the Cabin Boy shut his eyes and pretended to snore.The Captain continued his monologue on the Dutch guy.”As you know , I was born in Liverpool and I remember seeing a portrait of Henry VIII in the Walker Art Gallery and it was painted by the same fellow.”O you mean Monsieur Dulux Crown from Dagenham interrupted the First Mate” .To which the Cabin Boy added “ I thought he was painted by that Aussie guy with the beard, you know, Rolf Harris”.

 The Cabin Boy laughed and said “The sign of a good painting is when the eyes in the picture follow you around the room and so those pictures of Henry’s wife’s must be good”. The First Mate continued the banter with “Sometimes Billy that can be true Billy but in the case of Rueben’s work it’s not the eyes ,it’s  the tits and bums that follow you around the room".

170. Henry’s Pad

When we left Kingston after a few miles we observed a brick wall that seem to go on for miles and miles and the Captain asked the First Mate to climb on top of the boat and investigate what was behind the wall.”Just some vast country estate with landscaped gardens and park land”. After another ten   minutes of boating, we were greeted by a huge set of golden gates through which we could see a huge palatial building. “Must be Hampton Court” said the Cabin Boy, “Yes that’s it “said the First Mate, “The place where that Henry VIII used to do a lot a shagging in the olden days. Hampton Court was built by Cardinal Wolsey in 1515 and when he fell out of favour with Henry , Henry took it back  in 1529. Henry liked it so much that he enlarged it and made in his Royal Residence. There are a lot of interesting facts about Hampton Court. During Henry’s reign, the palace featured bowling alleys and tennis courts along with lavish gardens and a 36,000 sq. foot kitchen and when Charles I was deposed, he was held prisoner at Hampton Court Palace for three months until he escaped and was later executed.” “Is there anything else you can tell us First Mate about it then? “Yes” continued the First mate “The gardens feature a maze that was commissioned by William III of Orange in the 1690’s. King Charles I dug out the Longford River, which still supplies water to the garden’s fountains today and finally George II was the last monarch to live there. The Captain at last got to say something about Hampton Court

“In  1838, Queen Victoria, opened up the Palace for visitors and even today you can still go and visit it at around fifteen pounds a head  and of course, pensioners can get in for a princely reduction of a couple of quid per head at about twelve quid.

It is hard to believe that even in such a grand place as Hampton court that the begging bowl is always present” added the Captain.

169. The Bag Man

 When approaching strangers particularly when they are over the age of consent a more direct line of communication can be taken, and one can be personal straight from the get go and such was Neville’s remarks to the Captain. He asked the Captain about his paunch and how did he get it. The Captain told him that it was” Caused by a surfeit of real ale” and added “Point one, the shirt has shrunk in the wash, point two your eyes are defective and point three keep your remarks to yourself”. His mate Alan interrupted and said” Well Nev you did ask him”.

Then Captain then mentioned “Kettles calling teapots black” and then heard that Neville’s rotund tummy was caused by a buildup  of fluid which had been caused when he had had prostate cancer surgery and it was” just one of those pimples on your bum that you just have  to get on with”.

Billy was interested in what Neville kept in his bag and asked the question “What have you got in that bag Sir.” “A couple of plastic bags, a newspaper, my packed lunch and some personal things” replied Neville. Billy chipped in “ Like some BDSM stuff eh”