I fully expect that many of you reading this will not have heard of Porgs and yet they are all around us. YOU might even be one yourself without knowing it. Look around you at other people, go on do it now. Do you have to look up at an acute angle to make eye contact? Are you forever in other people’s shadow? Do you have to tip toe to see what’s going on or jump up on the verge or small walls when having a conversation outside with “normal “people? Well if you answered “yes” to all or most of these questions the chances are that you are indeed a Person of Restricted Growth, a.k.a. A Porg!
Scientific research has proven that Porgs represent about 2% of the human population though obviously in some societies this figure could be a lot higher such as with Kalahari Bushmen for instance. Many Porgs at first appear to be perfectly normal, physically that is. It is only when you view them next to normally grown people that the condition becomes obvious. Take a look at the pictures of our trip. Is one of the crew a Porg? It ain’t rocket science, of course it is Jimmy.
Now Porgs enjoy certain advantages in life. They are able to squeeze into small places where us mere “normals” would never fit, such as the toilet on board Lorna 11. They can get to crowded bars more easily under the legs of those queuing but tend to be rather stumped if when they get to the bar there is no furniture to jump up on and are forced instead to pogo on the spot hopefully synchronising their speech with the up-stroke. They make excellent pick-pockets as well as voyeurs (being at the right height to look through key holes). No doubt there are other advantages to being a runt, sorry Porg but not being one I would not know.
Then we come to the other side of the coin, the disadvantages of suffering from Porgism. The awful smell associated with having to inhale air at arm-pit level all the time which might explain why they are often seen pucking. Forever being poked in the eye by people’s elbows or worse still ladies pointed bras. Not to mention being the butt of various Porg related jokes and worst of all perhaps being thrown through the air by all comers just because you happened to stumbled into the local Dwarf Throwing Contest. There is not the room in this short piece to go into the difference between the various types of short people such as dwarves, midgets, pigmies, children, jockeys, amputees and so forth.
Because the disadvantages of Porgism far outweigh the advantages this leads to a scarring of the mind to differing degrees largely relating to the number of normal people the Porg has engaged with. IF the Porg is married to a tall/normal woman then he may be beyond recovery. Of course there are women Porgs too but they are less obvious as they tend to wear high heel shoes with some even resorting to walking on stilts (carefully hidden under slacks) in order to disguise their deformity.
Due to this mental scarring some Porgs are not safe to take out in public as they may bite gouge or otherwise attack strangers. Before entering a Public House with your Porg it is best to enquire of the Landlord if they have a Porg Friendly Policy or not. Such was the case on our trip when Billy and I entered the Eagle in Wallingford. To ensure that we were not refused being served Billy got in an order for two pints of special before Phil enquired as to the establishment’s Porg Policy. The Landlord, already a little cagey/edgy at this point (quite understandably in our view) asked if we would take full responsibility for said Porg. We replied that the Porg was still relatively sober (for Jimmy that is) and in any case we had all of the necessary Porg owners’ equipment with us including a muzzle, leash and dog fight breaking sticks. With this Jimmy was allowed to enter the Public Bar, (see photographic evidence of which he is very proud).
Unbeknown to us the Pub in question already had a resident Porg who was also the mascot for the darts team who were performing that night. I have omitted to tell you that Porgs are extremely territorial and will go to all and any lengths to prevent a competitor Porg moving in on their patch. Upon the realisation that another Porg was in “his” bar the resident Porg flew at poor old Jimmy and a terrific fight ensued. Though even smaller than our Porg the resident had home advantage as well as that of surprise and hence gained an early advantage. Jimmy being rather heavier and also brought up on the streets of Liverpool came back gamely. Tables and chairs were thrown all over the place. Beer glasses smashed as were two windows as the battle raged.
Looking at each other Billy and I felt obliged to step in to prevent further damage. We broke the Porgs apart using breaking sticks made of ebony to open their impressive jaws which were locked together. The damage to both Porgs was horrific though they do tend to repair quite quickly especially if you feed them on Pedigree Chum (a little tip for the would be Porg owner). It was only when it became evident that some serious money might be had by means of betting by the two rival darts teams that we released our respective grips on the Porgs. With careful timing (so as to be fair to both Porgs) we released the Porgs. Having bet on Jimmy (due to weight, slight height and Scouse upbringing) I’m afraid I released him a little early and he soon had the resident Porg in a death grip for which Porgs are famous. This consists of biting the rival Porg around the back of the neck whilst simultaneously putting both hands in his pockets and lifting him uff the ground so that the underpants (if worn) restrict the general area of the gonads so restricting the blood flow to the brain located there. This is another way that Porgs differ from us normal folk.
So the fight was over, the battle won. The owner of the resident Porg readily accepted defeat and bets were settled. The Porgs having had their blood up were some time in settling down and had to be restrained with rope and chains and tethered at opposite ends of the Bar (see photo) where they lay staring and growling at each other. Billy and I returned to the job in hand and had a whale of an evening drinking with our new found friends and in one case girlfriend (the Filly from Finchampstead). The winnings were sufficient to pay for all beer consumed that night and in recognition of a fight well fought we allowed Jimmy some beer served in his very own Porg bowl.
As Phil, was filling up the Porg bowl for the umpteenth time, he was approached by a guy called Billy Hughes, quite a pleasant chap in his late forties.” I couldn’t help but admiring your mate, the Porg, the one with the short fat hairy legs , and after such a fight, I bet that the little fellow could eat a horse, second thoughts maybe a pony, and I was wondering if I could introduce myself. You see I used to work for Mars who make a range of pet foods including Go Cat,Pedigree Chum and Mr.Dog and I have now branched out on my own and specialise in food for Porgs.At Master Porg Foods Inc we we are now looking at selling what we think could be a market leading break through, our own brand and recipes. The range includes dwarf rabbit stew with stumpy carrots, pigmy pie with short crust pastry runt of pork roast with baby parsnips and various mini bites. Here’s my business card to pass on to your mate and he may also be interested in a line of toys that my missus is making for Porgs . Similar to Barbie Dolls, My Little Pony and Sindy , but her versions are more lifelike and come with all parts in proportion and in working order, if you know what I mean.
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