103. Unruly behaviour

The trouble with alcohol abuse is that you either see the good side or bad side of people. Some people like the Cabin Boy become so laid back that they almost fall over. Some people like the Captain get more silly and outrageous, if that is at all possible and some people get aggressive and are prone to foul and even fouler bad language. The person in the latter character was one amongst us, but shall remain anonymous but he is of middle order crew status concerning this boating excursion. Being called a “racist” is an accolade in certain people’s mind and is worthy of praise  but when such a persons’ retaliation involves the “C” word  aimed at the landlord, and scoring a direct hit, it does not go down too well in some circles. In essence, Big Phil was told “to behave himself” and in Phil’s own way, he replied with “I may do and I may not do, but don’t push me”

102. Wog grub, wedding rice and the PORG bird

Wog grub, defined by the Captain is any food dish that   comes from north of the Pennines or south of Dover and doesn’t containing anything that hasn’t been home grown or anything that ends in a vowel or has more than three vowels its title is classified as foreign muck. The fact that he has eaten food in 122 countries that he has visited has nothing at all to do with the argument.

The crew were lucky to find an acceptable curry house in Wallingford where the food was of an acceptable standard. The patron of the place was both pleasant and could actually speak English which makes a change for such foreign restaurants. The only downer is you can’t get proper real ale and are ripped off by having to order up   expensive Indian brands of lager such as Cobra and Kingfisher. How can words such as lager, cobra and kingfisher possibly be used together in the same sentence is a definite abuse of the English language and should be reported to the Society for Proper English.

In quite a large number of countries it is now illegal to throw rice at a newly married couple, apparently because people can slip on this sticky substance resulting in a law suit and it has also been blamed for the death of a large number of birds. The Captain, who is very fond of wedding cake, having had several wives accidently, knocked a whole container off the table when speaking of the trials and tribulations of marriage which upon reflection turned into tales of wedded bliss.

In the same restaurant we also treated to a hitherto unforeseen treat, an oversized Porg of the female variety and above all a runt with a gammy leg, now that’s a rarity.

101. Another beard

Having already met a bearded person, it was a real bonus to meet another while walking trying to find another eatery for our supper.

Taking a short cut through the back streets of Wallingford, Phil and Jimmy spotted another bearded personage named Dan. Sailor Dan, a sweaty sock had been born in Dundee and had gone away to sea as a young man. He retired to Abingdon some 20 years previously .Dan was using a walking stick and was therefore no match for our intrepid  pair, who  homed  in on the disabled old man.

Having learnt from previous experience , Jimmy quickly engaged the old boy in conversation, while Phil in his favourite position snook up from the rear and without even thinking about his personal safety even though his prey was fully armed with a working walking stick, quickly popped the question “Have you anything living in that beard?”.As quick as a whistle Dan retorted “I don’t think so but last week in the mirror I did see a couple of pairs of hands poking out of it”.

The Captain asked Dan, “Why did you grow a beard then”? “Well” said Dan “Its the single most manly, and great thing a man can do. To have a beard is to be a true man. If you have a beard, you can show it off proudly, and enjoy the satisfaction of the envy in the eyes of people around you who don't have beards such as you two. If you don't have a beard, grow one. If you can’t grow one and I assume that you and your mate are past the age of puberty, go and get a sex change.

We talked for several more minutes and bid Dan farewell. As we did Dan shouted “Watch out there’s plenty more beards about”. Phil laughed and said “Your missus got one then?”

100. Pub on the green

Pubs on the village greens are a traditional part of English country life and so when we found such a pub in Wallingford we were delighted. The pub is   the Coach and Horses and the land lady was called Tina.

When we entered the pub, Tina asked us “What would like gentleman?”. The Captain joked “What about a quick one darling?”” A voice behind us said “Do you want a drink or not” We turned around to see a huge guy with hands the size of plates “” You offering to buy then “asked the First Mate.”To diffuse the situation the Cabin Boy asked “Would you like to join us for a drink sir?” “Sorry “said the big fella ,” I’m just about to go back on duty” We then realised that under his coat he had a police uniform on .We ordered our drinks, three pints of London Pride and Billy asked Tina “Who is the big fella?”, Tina smiled and said “O that’s my hubbie Tom, the local police sergeant” Billy laughed and said “ I almost joined the police force myself, but they  found out that my mum and dad were married !”

 What was a bit strange was that we were the only gentlemen drinking in this pub and after all it was at least four o’clock in the afternoon.  We sat outside and just watched the world go by or leered at a couple of lady cyclists who rode by.

Being a bit of a literally chap, Billy reminded us of the poet laureate, John Betjeman’s piece of  erotic prose concerning bicycle saddles :

“I think I would rather like

To be a saddle on a bike”

99. Darts players

Darts or “arras” is still a popular pub game and has over the past ten years reached TV  status and has like in all sports, got its band of followers and a number of celebrities.

When in the Dolpin we met three darts players who had just returned from watching The Professional Darts championship in Las Vegas .These professional darts players can earn up to £50,000 a year while those at the top of the profession can earn over a million pounds a year in prize money.

It is interesting that quite a few number of these famous darts players have nicknames and when making their entrances to do battle like gladiators of the ochre line, they have a piece of “walk on music”. Phil Taylor known as the Power enters to The Power by Snap, Dennis Priestly known as the Menace, enters to Hell Raiser by the Sweet and Denny Smith known as Smiffy enters to You really got me by van Halen.

Denny Smith is personally known by the Captain. Denny still lives in Hungerford where the Captain used to live. Smiffy can still regularly be seen playing darts with his mates in the Borough Arms and Hungerford Town football club. He is a big old boy, with a pony tail and although has dark hair he has bright blue eyes. He must have changed his nickname for in Hungerford he was known as The Barcardi Geezer because of his fondness of the Barcadi logo- the black, flying bat or something like that.

The three darts players that we met were Andy, Ed and Eddie but who was more interesting than the three of them put together was the darts team mascot. More on this  little fellow will be found elsewhere in this book.

98. Spotting a PORG

Because of their diminutive status, spotting a Porg ( a person of restricted growth)  in a crowd can be very difficult. They are often felt before they are seen and this is due to them poking their noses into other people’s business whether you like it or not. While in the Dolpin in Wallingford, one of these endangered species was spotted. We  did manage to get photographic evidence .There is a whole chapter devoted to this little person elsewhere in this book.

97. Where have all the breweries gone?

As each year goes by , we lose a bit more of the heritage left behind for us by our forbears, And another example of this is the loss of many breweries, even the one on the finishing line of the Oxford and Cambridge University boat race at Mortlake, closed a couple of years ago.

Loss of breweries is allegedly caused by a number of reasons such as over capacity resulting from falling sales caused by mergers, rise in beer duties, and people not being able to afford it and the smoking ban.

Isn’t it strange that when breweries are bought in more affluent areas that they suddenly become of interest to the property speculators. Examples of this includes Morrells in Oxford, the Stag Brewery at Mortlake and  Morlands in Abingdon. In the case of the latter brewery, the prestigious blocks of flats at least have roof lines reminiscent of old oast houses used for the roasting of hops.