115. Self-service

In order to save money and therefore reduce staff and hence put some loyal faithful servants out to graze, the Environmental Agency in their wisdom have slowly been making many of the locks self-service, in which boaters are allowed to operate themselves when lock keepers are off-duty, on holiday or have just popped in doors for a quick one.

When he had a proper job, the First Mate had been a senior manager in the water industry and unlike many people in top jobs had actually got his hands dirty by actually doing something practical, attending in-service training and slowly but surely progressing up the ladder on a merit basis and not because his Aunt Fanny’s second cousin once removed had been a student or playboy at Oxford.

In such large organisations the Peter Principle is rife whereby in a large organisation with a hierarchal structure   every employee tends to rise to their level of incompetence. Translating this into everyday English is means that only competent people are those who haven’t been promoted and it is these people that actually do the work.

After about 10 minutes the First Mate had still not opened the lock gates and the Cabin Boy went to investigate. The Cabin Boy came out with the solution; “These gates are not multitasking and can only do one thing at a time. You can only open the gates when the sluice gates are fully open and you have to wait until the appropriate light comes on.” Yes even a university graduate can be baffled by simple instructions.” said Billy the Cabin Boy

114. Women folk and boats

The second half of this journey began once again at Caversham where the vessel is moored. It should be remembered that on the first leg of this journey that the Cabin Boy was late and was duly chastised in the usual manner. Yes, hit him several times about his personage with a sweaty sock. The Captain reminded him that it could have been worse, it  with a pair of the big First Mate’s jock strap.

Having learnt from his previous mistake the Cabin Boy used the ultimate alarm clock-her indoors, namely his wife.

Why woman folk turn up unannounced is a mystery to us men folk but is believed that it is not out of love but out of curiosity,

Within two minutes of arriving, the memsahib in question, had boarded the boat and was investigating the sleeping quarters. The Captain soon pointed out the under, aft hidden cabin was where The Boy slept unaccompanied. The First Mate then explained that “The Boy” could be locked in his cabin at night for everyone’s safety”.

When she saw his bed chamber, the said wife refused to leave the vessel and  had to be prised out of the cabin and was almost man-handled over the side to dry land.

“Christ” said the Captain “I thought she’s never leave but what I won’t to know is,what are we really going to do if one  us happens to pull a bird on the journey? .Billy replied “Well I could  always stand guard and hold the video-camera and if it happens to be the First mate who gets lucky, I could  always shout instructions to the cavorting couple.”Now Billy , if you shouted instructions, it would put me off my stroke” said the First  Mate “Let’s  get real “ said the First Mate.”We are all are married and the chances are zero of pulling any women on this trip are zero””. Speak for yourself” said Billy,” I could talk any woman into bed and I could dance any woman into bed” added the Captain “ .“ And I could  walk you both into the divorce court laughed” the First mate. He continued “Besides who gonna want anything to do with us pensioners then? ““Well all those old broads at the Derby and Joan Club, those busty women who serve Meals on Wheels and all those widow women in search of a bit of extra curricula for a start” said the Captain.”But they’re too old for the First Mate and I “said the Cabin Boy”.”Well “said the Captain “You can always put a paper bag on their heads  or gag ‘em with their pension books if you want  and don’t forget women are like wine, they mature with age” You can say that again Captain”  scoffed Billy “Dry, sour and no more   head!”

113.The found Barbour

Phil has a much larger frame than the rest of the crew combined together and therefore has eyes and hat size in direct proportion. Using his superior eyesight, he saw an unwanted, gaily abandoned green Barbour jacket hanging on a fence rail outside the Head of The River pub. No doubt this poor, but very expensive jacket had been left to its devices by some uncaring yuppie or middle class public schoolboy twit who had recently been sent down for indulging in unnatural acts with his four legged friend, Willy the Weasel or his no legged friend Sidney the Trouser Snake.

In a similar way, as in the case of the lonely flower pot, Phil once again like a knight in shining armour, saw to the pathetic looking, abandoned vestment, gently picked it up and gave it to the Captain as a present and as a sign of his great esteem to a person who had safely and without incident had guided them of this uneventful but none the less interesting journey--- so far.

112. Stolen flower pot

To supplement their meagre salaries and free housing in the most of idyllic surroundings, some lock keepers cultivate a range of plants, which they sell at vast plants. Sometimes, and I repeat sometimes these plants are left unsupervised and in such precarious positions that they have to be rescued for their own safety. Such measures often involve removing them from their own homes, at no expense to the owner, and relocating them to the comfort and permanency of your own home. Phil having a green fingered  wife at home, liberated one such purely innocent plant and safety stowed it in the water closet so that it could not be seen by its ungrateful and more importantly uncaring owner who knew it when it was a mere seed and had only  given in a bit of TLC for a  matter of months.

The Captain asked Billy “You’re a bit of a gardener aren’t you Billy?” ”Well I suppose you could put it like that but I would more put it in different words. You see those flowers are some of the most evil creatures in the world, and they are   known for their tendency to use humans as slaves in places known as gardens.  These things take hours and hours of life away from their human slaves, and give us nothing in return. There is only one creature more evil then flowers, and that’s kittens or puppies!”

112. Long -necked sheep

When you first see an alpaca you think that you are looking at long necked sheep and more is that case when they have just been shawn. Once they  have been shawn they look like children’s dolls on stick, all legs and spindly bodies. They are also a bit like small children and when approaching them they all suddenly develop a sense of indignity, stop what they doing at try to out stare you. There is a flock of these funny looking creatures on the shoreline just above Mapledurham lock.

Although they resemble llamas, they belong to a family of camels and they are the most valuable fiber-bearing animals because of the quality and quantity of its fiber. All strange looking creatures have some strange facts about them and the alpaca is no exception. When annoyed at people they spit green spit at you ,when having a dump they use the same communal  dung pile and the females are induced ovulators  which means that  the act of mating and the presence of semen causes them to ovulate, and often leads to conception  after just one mating. Can you imagine what this would do for the world population and the ensuing Armageddon, if man was an alpaca?

111. Lack of juice

110. Lack of juice

On the journey home from Wallingford and around Mapleduram, the Captain reported that we were about to run out of juice and this of course was not his fault but the lack of observation on the crew and that thieving robbing man at Red line marine who refused to give us an extra few gallons for free...gone are the days of true gentleman and in their place we have old boys still trying to make a living by robbing the rich to help to support themselves the poor.

If you are about to run out of fuel and need to stop to refuel make sure that you have an emergency supply to hand and preferably try to do it when it isn’t raining and  if  you need to moor make sure that you do so by   places displaying  “No Mooring “ signs. You may even be more lucky   and see signs saying” Private Mooring”,”Strictly No Mooring” or “Strictly Private No Mooring at All Times”

 Who these people think they are, we don’t know” but we would have liked to have told them exactly who we thought they were” and this wouldn’t have taken much of an effort. Unfortunately for us, no sport was to be had and we moored up on the banks of the grounds of Hardwick House.

“D’ya know anything about the house Captain?” inquired The First Mate “. Not a lot “ came the reply “ But I know a bit “said The Cabin Boy “It’s owned by some Baron bloke and I think that that King Charles, who had his head chopped off used to play bowls on the grass just over there and that guy who wrote the Wind in The Willows based his Toad of Toad Hall on it.

“Why did King Charles get topped then Billy? “ asked the Captain” Well he thought he was above parliament and the law and that he could do as he wanted because he was a divine individual chosen by God for the role of King. Well the tyrannical King tried to overrule people’s rights and liberties and so parliament put him on trial for treason. Well he was found guilty and had his head chopped off in public

110.Gatehampton Bridge

Gatehampton Railway Bridge is a railway bridge carrying the Great Western Main line over the River Thames in Lower Basildon , Berkshire, England. It takes the line between the stations at Goring and Streatley and Pangbourne, and crosses the Thames on the reach between Whitchurch Lock and Goring Lock.

This  brick built arched bridge was built by Isambard Kingdom Brunel in 1838, who also built the Moulsford Railway Bridge which we passed during this trip.

Brunel was a chain smoker, but instead of smoking cigarettes he smoked 40 cigars a day, it is no wonder he died at the tender age of 53 .He is buried in the churchyard in the family grave at Kensal Green, along with a string of other celebrities such as Charles Babbage-the Father of Computing, and the playwrights Harold Pointer and Terence Rattigan. Freddie Mercury’s body was cremated at the same cemetery.