153. Dancing Boys , Loony Bins and Murderers

It is often said, that the English are eccentric, mad or silly and often dress in funny clothes such as dress coats, bowler hats, straw boaters and such like. Well in England, and in, particular, in the back woods of our pleasant, land there is a rare breed of people who meet all four criteria. Who are these weirdoes? They are no less than Morris Dancers. As we were passing Maidenhead Bridge, the Cabin Boy asked the Captain “What that going on over there “.The Captain pointed out to the Boy “That they are part of our ancient and mysterious past and they William, are Morris dancers”” Dancers they look more like prancers if you ask me said “,the Cabin Boy”.”But who are they? “, continued “The Cabin boy”. The First Mate interjected “ They are a  gang of blokes who paint their faces with black paint, put hankies on their heads, wear  women’s stockings and then  dance around a Maypole and while doing so, they try to hit each other with sticks and they’re  probably all arsehole bandits who like to shag their own family members of both sexes, and if not seen, family pets as well, provided that that they have four legs and can be safely tethered while they are having their wicked way with them.

“Apparently “said the Captain “, It’s some form of old English dance in which they dance to some weird music while mumming.””But” said Billy,” my mum passed away twenty years ago.”It’s nothing to do with mothers, mums or mummies” replied the Captain ,” It is a term that is used to describe actors who take part in a seasonal play,” “ I see “said the Cabin Boy”, A  bit like the MPs’ when they are is session in The House of Commons.”Seems that when they get going it’s a state of Bedlam” added Billy.”And so right you are” said the Captain” This local group of Morris dancers are actually called Berkshire Bedlam Morris”.”You sure that this lot haven’t escaped from that loony bin. ?” “Don’t be a silly Billy, Billy,” That shut down years ago “added the Captain”” but Broadmoor just down the road hasn’t” said Billy.

The Captain continued, “Billy, you can’t call it a loony bin these days, it is a high-security psychiatric hospital. The patients in Broadmoor suffer from severe mental illness; and many of them also have personality disorders. Most have them have been convicted of serious crimes, or been found unfit to plead in a trial for such crimes. When people are admitted to Broadmoor they receive medical help in the form of therapy and drug regimes designed to help then come back into society and lead normal lives”.

“That’s your opinion,” argued the First Mate.” There are many cases of people who have been “cured “at Broadmoor and then just carried on in their  old evil ways”.”Such as?” inquired the Captain.

”Well for starters” said the First Mate “There was that Graham Young  who was released from the hospital after being fully cured who then went on to poison dozens of people, some of whom died excruciatingly   painful deaths.

And ,of course there is  that  crazy, black bloke Peter Bryan, a modern day Hannibal Lecter, who ate his mate’s brain  after murdering him  , just a couple of months after being released.

But, worst of all was that sicko John Straffen who killed two innocent little girls, and some knobhead of a doctor convinced some high court judge that Straffen was mentally ill, and the even bigger knobhead of a judge said in court “In this country we do not try people who are insane. You might as well charge a baby in arms.”Moreover, guess what?  This person who was unfit to plead, was that clever, that he jumped over the wall and within a couple of hours, had strangled another young girl. So don’t try and convince me that these people in Broadmoor get cured. And ,the same applies to prisons, I read in the papers that over 70 % of prisoners re-offend, prisons  must be the only rent free, tax free and food shelters in the world, I’m sick and tired of paying taxes, I think I’ll go to prison and get a few tattoos and watch football instead.”.” I wouldn’t think about that First Mate, you go into prison as a straight person and come out as a rampant gay!”.

152. Maidenhead, Bridges hither and thither and, Townies

Maidenhead, on the face of it, drums up an air of expectation. Well in our case, it was not the case. The town is boring, the pubs are crap and there is nothing much to do there. However, it does have a number of bridges if there is a single civil engineer amongst our readers.

Having left Bray, the first bridge encountered we encountered  was a concrete structure which crosses over the M4 Motorway. This bridge was built in the 1960’s and is one of the only four Thames bridges, which carries motorway traffic.

The cabin Boy said “Maidenhead must have the most bridges of any place I know in  England next to London of course”.”Over the River Thames, yes Billy but I’m sure there’s other places in England which have more, what d’ya reckon First Mate?”.

“ I don’t really know,” replied the First Mate, “But I would probably go for somewhere up in Geordieland ,probably Newcastle”.” I agree with the First Mate” added the Captain.” I remember my dad taking me by train from Liverpool to see the Reds play the Magpies in the early sixties, and there was a series of bridges over the Tyne, just  like the bridges over the Thames in London.But if you wanna talk about cities with bridges you want to talk about Pittsburg.My wife was working in Pittsburg a fewe years ago and I accompanied her on this trip.We were staying in theis godforsaken hotel, and we had to be bussed miles to this conference centre in the city centre.Well I can tell you , that place Pittsburgh is covered in bridges.In this bar one night, I asked this old boy about why all the bridges in Pittsburgh?”.He told me “ Pittsburgh has over 400 bridges within its city limits and its not surprising when you think there are three main rivers with dozens of tributaries gfeeding them, and then of course you look around you at those hills, Pittsburg has more ups and downs than a whore’s draws.

“That may well be the case First Mate”, But don’t forget we have the most famous bridge of all...Tower Bridge” chipped in the Captain. The First Mate turned red and bellowed, “Don’t be silly Captain, “We flogged that heritage piece of London to some Yankee, yes and I mean piece, by piece. He took it down brick by brick, and then rebuilt it in some theme park. Apparently, this guy from America made his fortune from nuclear waste disposal. Probably coated it with some of this waste nuclear crap, so that it would glow in the dark. And, furthermore another Yank bought London Bridge a few years previous!”

A little bit farther, down the river we passed under another bridge, the Maidenhead Railway Bridge.

The First Mate shouted to the Captain to slow down as we entered the arch and chanted out aloud “England, England”.”Now then lads “Did you hear that echo. You see this arch is sometimes referred to as the Sounding Arch because of the tremendous echo it produces. At some  time  in the past, this bridge  was the longest and flattest  bridge in the world and,  was designed  by Brunel”. “You mean the same guy who designed the Box Tunnel and that other bridge we saw up Goring way?”. “Well done Cabin Boy, receive a gold star for paying attention,” mocked the First Mate”. Playfully, the Cabin Boy asked the Captain” Permission to lick his boots Sir”.”Now Billy Boy stop that filthy  talk at once or I’ll be forced to tell your wife about your dirty little habits, and speaking of habits, if you’re not careful , I’ll report you to our boozing pal....the Friar  Stewpot King” for arse licking”.”Come come Captain, I did only say boots” echoed the Cabin Boy”.” No Billy that how it all starts and it before you know it, you find yourself enjoying yourself so much , that you start to    travel  north and end up on the Hershey Highway!!

As we approached Maidenhead, we could see the seven arches of the Thames Maidenhead Bridge. This bridge divided Maidenhead in the Royal County of Berkshire from the more common , Buckinghamshire village of  Taplow. Apparently, in past times, this bridge used to be a toll road but the number of people who opposed to the toll bridge grew, and the toll bridge gates were thrown into the river, after it had been declared illegal to charge tolls, by an Act of Parliament, for crossing the Thames at this point.

Maidenhead appears to be populated with townies, rude boys and pompous middle class people driving BMWs, Mercs and SUVs. 

Townies are, to put it simply - sheep. They follow whatever trends are in fashion, for about 3 weeks, and then go onto the next thing; they are also very noticeable by their clothing: The males wear dodgy cheap tracksuits and sports clothes, usually bought from that cheapy shop JJB. They wear baseball caps with the peaks pointing straight up, and they usually have their trouser legs tucked into their socks, perhaps for some sort of primitive enjoyment

Such people drive sport utility vehicles, which are neither a sport vehicle nor a utility vehicle. These cars are an attempt by the motor vehicle industry to lure overpaid middle class workaholic moms to think that they need a 3 litre  Gas-guzzling motor vehicle designed for off-road driving while only 5% of SUV owners ever go off road vehicle,  to carry their stupid kids to soccer practice.

151. Posh Wine and Dine, and the Vicar of Bray

The Waterside Inn at Bray is quite posh for a pub or should we say inn. The difference between a pub and inn being that an inn is a pub with accommodation. Inn’s however have now elated themselves to hotels.

The Waterside Inn lives up to its expectation, it is pretentious, extremely expensive and exclusive, for it has its own private dining facilities where rich patrons can hire a dining room for their own private use and can gorge themselves silly.

We wanted to have a quick look inside the place so we moored just off the adjacent slipway. Pretending to be a VIP, which is not difficult for the Cabin Boy, he wandered into the place and had a snoop around before being told that “Luncheon isn’t served until 12 o’clock Sir”

The Cabin Boy came back on board with some info.”Well they don’t have prices, they have tariffs, rooms cost about three to seven hundred quid a night and they have two menus one is called a Menu Gastronomique and the other is a Menu Exceptionnel” “I’m starving said the Captain” How much is the grub then Billy “. “I had a quick look at the Menu and it costs about fifty quid for the cheaper menu and a hundred and fifty for the more expensive one” O and they have Sommeliery, what ever that is? “. “It’s nothing special Billy “said the First Mate “It’s just some ponsie word for wine waiters who know a bit about wine. If I remember correctly, they have some form of fancy name for the members like The Court of Master Sommeliers. I think they learn a bit about wine tasting, how to serve it up, give advice on  what wines to choose to go with your grub ,and  while serving your wine they   wear  white gloves,  and  hover over you ,speaking in some posh voice, about the virtues of the treasured bottle they are cradling in their arms”

As we left Bray, the First Mate enquired, “Wasn’t there a famous vicar from Bray?”.”I’m not too sure, but I think he was mentioned in some old song from the 18^th Century “said the Cabin Boy. Apparently,  it was some sarcastic song about a vicar who used to change his religion to suit the monarch of the day. During one kings or queen’s reign, he would be a Catholic, and during another monarchs reign he would switch to being a Protestant. Anyway, around the time that the song was written, there was a vicar who lived in Bray who supposedly changed his ecclesiastical   allegiance  to suit the monarch of the day, a bit like our ex-PM Tony Blair, who was  New  Labour one day , and an Old Conservative the next day! “And speaking of turncoats” said the First Mate “Don’t forget all those Commies from Russia who suddenly became fervent supporters of capitalism once the USSR fell apart, because they didn’t have the sense to modernise their economy to fit into the modern world".

150. Boulters Lock

During Victorian times, Boulter's Lock won fame - and notoriety - across the country as thousands of people flocked to the river here to mess about and watch the wealthier classes indulge themselves.

This was especially so on warm summer weekends, and particularly on the Sunday of Ascot Week, when there were pageants, carnivals and regattas. Holidays were spent on houseboats and the favourite pastime of the wealthy was to enjoy a leisurely punt along the meandering and slow-moving river.

Boulter's Lock was formerly called Ray Mill Lock, after the adjacent mill owned by the Ray family who produced flour. The first-ever lock keeper was the miller's son, John. The mills became Boulter's Inn in 1950. The word 'bolter' is old English word for miller, hence the name Boulter's lock.

The Cabin Boy and First Mate went into Maidenhead for a sniff about when we moored close to Boulter’s Lock and the Captain, having changed into some clean, dry gear went for a drink in the pub that they had just passed. The pub is no longer a pub but is now called Boulter’s Restaurant  and Bar and so the Captain went onto the outside terrace for a drink. As soon as he sat down a waitress called Abi asked him”   Would  you like a cocktail  sir “to which he replied” No thanks I’d like a beer please but I bet you know a tale about a  cock or two”. Abi just smiled and said to her colleague “He thinks he’s funny, he’s about as funny as a fart in a space suit” ’After having downed a pint of very expensive pint of lager, the Captain left this pretentious place and wandered off back to the  boat. When passing the lock, he had a quick chat with the lock keeper .Ralph told the Captain that he had worked on the river for almost thirty years and  the  lock is very spectator-friendly, because people can drive there and park for free and once here there’s plenty of seating to be had. The Captain said to Ralph “You should open up a bit of a tea garden a bit like the ones at  Sonning and Mapledurham locks “. Ralph replied, “I’ve thought about it a bit, but I enjoy my free time too much, and I already live over there in the lock house and besides that, I’m already married and am not going to get a divorce so that I can be married to the job.”And the Captain just laughed and said “Ever thought about becoming a bigamist?

149. The rich, the famous, and the infamous

As we passed Cookham Lock, the river twists and turns and as we looked up towards the steep hill we could see a huge building up the horizon and so we decided to moor the boat and stretch our legs. After walking almost vertically for twenty minutes, we arrived at a flattened grassed area, which consisted of a series of flowerbeds surrounded by small hedges, and these seemed to be guarded by a number of taller evergreens in the shape of pointed turrets but in the background lay a magnificent baroque building. On arriving at a statute, we were greeted by an elderly couple who asked us “Can we help?”It was only then that we realised must have been at some National Trust property and this was confirmed by them both wearing, NT Volunteer badges.

Without being too obvious, the Cabin Boy asked the grannie Dissi , how old she was. ? She must have missed heard and replied “Clive’s 81 and I’m a lot younger”. After a bit of a giggle, she told us a bit about the history of Clivedon. “O Cliveden was built in about 1666 by the 2^nd Duke of Buckingham and was originally a hunting lodge where the Duke could entertain his friends but it burnt down. It was then rebuilt, and once again burnt down again, and rebuilt. The First Mate sniggered “They did it for the insurance eh?”Dissi continued,” In about 1850 the Duke of Sutherland built most of the present building you can see here and the large water tower that you can see at the front of the house was added in about 1860”.”Has anyone famous stayed her?” Asked Billy “You name them, they’ve stayed here “answered the old guy who was also called Dissi. “Practically every King and Queen since George I, most British Prime Ministers , American Presidents and some infamous people”. The First Mate’s eyes lit up and jumped in.”Infamous, you mean naughty eh?”.” Well I suppose that you can say that “, “Who then? “. The older male Dissi said “The Astors for example” “. Who are they?”  Asked the eager Cabin Boy.”I can answer that one Billy “said the Captain. “You see there was this rich American guy called William  Waldorf Astor” ,” Correction” said the granny “The richest American in the world at the time”. “Well he bought it and lived here”.”No” interrupted the granny again.” He bought it for his son Waldorf and daughter-in-law Nancy as a wedding present” “Yes that’s her” continued the Captain” That Nancy Astor or should I say Nazi Astor  and her friends were German sympathisers .This group of upper crust, rich and very influential people were called the Clivedon Set, I think” added the Captain “And Nancy was the ring leader of this right wing group. This so called Set was so influential that she became the first woman Member of Parliament in the whole of England “.

The Captain continued” there was some humorous bickering between her and Churchill. On one occasion, unable to resist the temptation to tease her in front of a large group of people he asked her “So, you are once again organising some stupid masquerade ball. What disguise should I wear so that nobody recognizes me?”

"Why don't you come sober, Prime Minister?" – Lady Astor replied sarcastically.

On another occasion, Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

But, probably the most known exchange of such words between them was when Lady Astor said to him "Winston, you are drunk", to which he replied "And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning".

“Where have I heard that weird name of Waldorf before? “Inquired the Cabin Boy.”Oh I see what you mean “said the female Dissi. “You’re probably thinking about a Waldorf salad that was created at the luxury hotel in New York  called the Waldorf –Astoria  named after  Waldorf and Nancy Astor” “And what did this salad contain then ?“ Asked Billy. “It was a salad that contained apples, celery and walnuts with a bit of lettuce and mayo,” replied Mrs Dissi.

The Cabin Boy asked the old couple “Why they were both called Dissi ?.”Well if you must know my proper name is Clive Disraeli Montague and ever since school days I was nicknamed Dissi and of course when I got married people referred to my wife Cybil as Mrs Dissi. Mrs Dissi completed the story about her name and added “My middle name is Deidre, and so me and Clive also have the same set of name initials. The Captain added sarcastically “Fascinating”.

“Well we still haven’t heard anything infamous yet “said the First Mate.”Well I suppose you’re too young to know about that Tory John Profumo” said Mrs. Dessi. “Well I am a dam sight younger than any of them” piped up the Cabin Boy and I remember my older brother Nick telling me about it years ago”. “Well, tell us about it “demanded the Captain.”Well there  was this old boy  in the cabinet called Profumo who had a thing for this high class whore called Christine Keeler and he  was filmed by this Russian Spy  at it in a threesome with this Profumo and some doctor bloke called Ward and yes this doctor always wore dark sunglasses like a film star”.” Well some of what you said was almost true “said Mrs Dessi. “In fact, the scandal concerned John Profumo who was Secretary of State for War at the time and he had an affair with the high class prostitute Christine Keeler who was introduced to him at a party at Clivedon by the osteopath - Stephen Ward. It also happened that Christine Keeler had a boyfriend who was a Russian Naval attaché and possibly a Russian Spy. Profumo denied that he had an intimate relationship with her, and when it was found to be true, he resigned from the government. Stephen Ward was taken to court for living on immoral earnings and just before he was due to be sentenced; he committed suicide by taking an overdose of sleeping pills.

148. Cookham, Weirs, Locks and the Wierdo Stanley Spencer

When we arrived at Cookham Lock, we had to wait about an hour to pass through the lock and so chatted to the lock keeper Adam about the lock itself .He was quite an authority it seems on the history of the lock. He told us   “It is here at Cookham that the powerful waters of the Thames meet the Chiltern chalk at Cliveden Cliff which causes the river to change direction suddenly. Centuries ago, this area would have been a maze of narrow river channels between wooded, marshy islands”.

He continued to add, “The need for a lock here emerged in the 1700s when it seemed that the river at Cookham was a very dangerous place to be because large chalk stones fell from Clivedon Cliff and in doing so hit three barges causing them to sink. Eventually around 1830 the first pound lock was constructed.”

The Cabin Boy said “You can certainly talk can’t you “ to which Adam replied “Yes well I used to be in sales for twenty years ,and you had to talk then in order to get customers confidence in your products” .He finished his conversation by telling us about that the “Queen's Swan Upper and his crew visit Cookham Lock every year to record the swan population and that this ritual began when swans were considered an important food for royal banquets and feasts. The lock keeper looked surprised when the Captain said “Yep I know all about that you know, I was with him last year ringing swans at the Abbotsbury Swannery. “A bit of a twitcher then?” added Adam. The Cabin Boy laughed and said, “More like a cross between a tit, a bitch and a twit”

When we passed through the lock, the Cabin Boy turned to the First Mate and asked, “He didn’t really tell us much about why they built locks in the first place did he First Mate, perhaps you can tell us?”The First Mate replied, “Well Billy Boy, it’s all about regulating water flow. Before they built locks and weirs on rivers, there was no control of water flow. In the winter, after heavy rain, there would be floods, with water running everywhere creating unnavigable marshlands, and in the summer, the lack of rain would cause droughts, with not enough water to support boats. Therefore, what happened was some millers built weirs right across the river in order to control the flow, but it meant that people in boats couldn’t get past the weir. The millers were forced, I think under some part of Magna Carta, to provide some mechanism whereby boats could pass through them. So a part of the weir was removable to allow the passage of boats”. “Thanks First Mate but what’s that bit about Magna Carta then?”.”Well later on in our journey, we will be going pass  Runneymede , where the Magna Carta was signed but essentially part of it states that people in  boat had the right to travel along rivers and streams unhindered. These weirs with removable sections were referred to as flash locks but they were still very dangerous, you just thing of suddenly lifting a weir gate today and see what happens. So in the early 1600’s they built pound locks alongside weirs, and in simple terms these are just long chambers and work on the principle that water finds its own level. Boats enter at one level and leave at another level, the level being controlled by opening and closing gates and lifting or dropping sluice gates”

Just after Cookham lock we pulled over, and moored up at Bell Rope Meadow and decided to go for a walk in order to stretch our legs. We passed through the local churchyard (Holy Trinity) along Ferry Lane and into Cookham itself.

At the road junction, we saw a funny looking building, which looked like a cross between a chapel and a post office, and popped over the road to see what it was. It turned out to be the Stanley Spencer Gallery.

The First Mate said ,“That Stanley Spencer was a bit of a weirdo you know, apparently he used to wear  his pajamas’ over his clothes in order to keep warm,  and used to push this old pram ,which contained his painting kit all  over the village when he was in his painting mood”. And sure enough just as we entered the gallery, there were several pictures of him with this old beaten up pram. The First Mate continued, “He became infatuated with this woman and his missus divorced him”.”Well really First Mate, I can’t see how that makes him a weirdo”.”Well lads, you see “laughed the First Mate,” After he married this woman, he had to turn over his house to this woman who turned out to be a dyke and he had to go and live with them both. Apparently, and despite the fact that he painted several pictures of her nude, but she never allowed the marriage to be consummated.

147. Bourne End and Famous Authors

By the time that we reached Bourne End, the crew were wet and their spirits were dampened. To cheer us up, the Cabin Boy kept on repeating the line from the Sloop John B “This is the worse trip, I’ve ever been on”. The First Mate couldn’t resist it and sang his verse with gusto.

“The first mate he got drunk

And broke in the captain’s  trunk

The constable had to come and take him away

Sheriff John stone

Why don't you leave me alone, yeah yeah

Well I feel so broke up I wanna go home”

Both the First Mate and the Cabin Boy had been harboring on about the fact that they both needed a drink to cheer them up. And the Captain, in his own way, did his best to make them feel happy by telling them “Sorry lads, The Black Lion, The Bounty and the Firefly pubs all had to shut down because of some boating clientele singing late at night and had therefore been guilty of noise pollution “.The Captain was so proud of his acting skills that he thought about applying for a role in Eastenders.

Just as we were passing Bourne End Marina, the Captain espied a boat called Lazy Days and the Captain recognized Bazza the Chippy from Caversham and pretended not to recognize him only to be greeted by “ You gonna join me and Jane but for a few beers at the Bounty then ?”.

“Well you porkie plier Captain, I thought you said the Bounty was closed”. The Captain being caught out said, “Well I honestly thought it was, so maybe we can pop in for a bit of light refreshment out of the heat of the day.

The Bounty pub itself is quite charming and just as you enter the pub there is a sign, which reads ‘The People’s Republic of Cockmarsh’ where “the laws of common sense apply”.

Being quite close to Marlow, the Cabin Boy and the First Mate quaffed a few pints of Rebellion Blonde  brewed locally by the Rebellion Brewery while the Captain consoled himself by supping a few Grumpy  Cows, brewed by the same brewery.

The Captain learned from Bazza, that since he retired he had bought and done up a small narrow boat which him and Jane often spent a weekend on.”But Bazza today is only Wednesday , to which Bazza  smiled and said” Well maybe a long weekend, after tonight we’re heading up Letchlade  way and spending a couple of days at Jane’s pad. He continued  “ We really like this boozer because the only way you can get to it is by boat or foot”.

Billy went up to the bar and bought the drinks back to the table.” I was just speaking to the landlord Dave, who told me that a couple of famous authors used to live here. Apparently Enid Blyton the kids writer, used to live just up the road in a cottage called Old Thatch and that crime writer Edgar Wallace used to live just off Blind Lane, which is also just up the road”. The First Mate chuckled “I bet you still read those Famous Five and Noddy books that she wrote , don’t’ you Billy ? “.” Of course I don’t, I leave that one up to you and the Captain, First Mate, but I do like the crime thrillers written by Edgar Wallace such as The Four Just Men and J.D. Reeder and his film screenplays such as King Kong and the Hound of the Baskervilles.!”.Never being  not able to take up the gauntlet or in modern day prose, to remain a wimp , the First Mate responded  “The Famous Five ,who can ever remember a bunch of upper middle class white kids kicking the shit out of a homeless guy while nationalists applaud , and as for that Noddy, and his  apparently wise mate , that hobgoblin Big Ears , he was that clever,  he  used to sit all day on top of a toadstool, I hardly think it ,no Billy,  those characters are more up your street than mine and the Captain’s”.

The Captain continued the conversation with “ I suppose that you can’t take it away from her, she was one of the biggest selling British authors of all time in the world and  she still sells  stacks of books these days “.”The First Mate added, “That may be so Captain but the books are outdated today and the plots are as dull as ditchwater and I suppose Noddy isn’t that bad if you get past the initial gag reflex”.

Bazza had been listening to the conversation and chipped in with “Her books may have been a bit boring but her private life was far from it., A couple of years ago there was a TV drama about her and in it , it showed that she used to like playing naked and that she had a lesbian affair with a nanny she employed to look after her children. Even though her books  were full of happy carefree children whose idea of bliss at the end of an adventure-filled day was a slice of plum cake washed down with lashings of ginger beer, she was a right cow to her children  and when she was divorced for adultery, she made sure that her kids didn’t see their dad by saying that he was unfit to see his kids because he was an habitual piss artist and womansier, which of course, was far  from the truth.

147. Bourne End

By the time that we reached Bourne End, the crew were wet and their spirits were dampened. To cheer us up, the Cabin Boy kept on repeating the line from the Sloop John B “This is the worse trip, I’ve ever been on”. The First Mate couldn’t resist it and sang his verse with gusto.

“The first mate he got drunk

And broke in the captain’s  trunk

The constable had to come and take him away

Sheriff John stone

Why don't you leave me alone, yeah yeah

Well I feel so broke up I wanna go home”

Both the First Mate and the Cabin Boy had been harboring on about the fact that they both needed a drink to cheer them up. And the Captain, in his own way, did his best to make them feel happy by telling them “Sorry lads, The Black Lion, The Bounty and the Firefly pubs all had to shut down because of some boating clientele singing late at night and had therefore been guilty of noise pollution “.The Captain was so proud of his acting skills that he thought about applying for a role in Eastenders.

146.The Marlow Donkey

There is a branch line that runs between Maidenhead and Marlow which  was  once part of the former railway line which ran between Maidenhead and High Wycombe before Dr.Beecham decided to axe community lines in the 1960’s .In the names of costs and efficiency Beecham reduced the total route miles by about 4000 miles of track .At the time it was thought that the  Conservative government of the day were in cahoots with powerful  road construction companies and then the next Labour government jumped on the band wagon and fast tracked the second stage of Beechams report , resulting the loss of a further 2000 miles of track. On the face of it, it would seem that both government and opposition were in the pockets of the construction industry.

So how can a single track railway operate a two way train system? The answer is simple .This is possible because Bourne End station has two platforms that may be used simultaneously.

All off-peak trains must stop and reverse at Bourne End, as the line to Marlow has a trailing connection, and the driver must change ends for the second part of the route

The train that runs on the branch line is known as The Marlow Donkey, a term which was the affectionate name for the saddle tank steam locomotive that served the line between 1868 and 1935. There is also a pub in Marlow of same name, just by the station.

Billy wanted to know why the train was called a donkey. ”Well Billy ,it’s called that because donkeys generally transport things from one place to another , along the same bit of road or track in a monotonous way .Yes Billy and there’s more “ said the First Mate “Boat Captains  are often like donkeys in the fact that they are stubborn, make funny noises and behave like idiots”. “And if they were like you First Mate, they’d be creatures that liked their oats and would very well endowed” replied Billy

145. Boat repairs and a Solution

Only a few weeks ago, the vessel Lorna II had been into the boat yard for repairs including the replacement of an alternator and a new starter motor to the tune of six hundred pounds. So when the starter motor fried again, the Captain was least pleased.

Now when you really do need help and very quick help can you get it?-no, you stand more chance having it off with the Man in the Moon.

Three days later the boat was repaired thus prolonging our trip by a further three days. The engineer replaced the ignition switch, the relay and the starter motor thus eliminating any fault that could have caused two previous starter motors to burn out. For the engineers amongst readers of this book, the fault was caused by the ignition key failing to spring back into position when released , meaning that the starter motor was continually under the full power of the battery.

Now in the medical field it is well known the order for the treatment of illnesses is first diagnosis and then prognosis. Well in the case of boating, the reverse applies. You treat the symptom and then think about what caused it in the first place and of course, the boater has to foot the bill during the random guesswork stage. However, when you are stranded in the middle of nowhere and miles away from home, they have you by the short and curlies.

When back home the Captain was telling his wife about the breakdown, she remembered about the time that they had been boating up to Oxford and they had broken down.”Don’t you remember  Jimmy when we had just bought the boat and we broke down near Sandford and had to put the boat on a sand bar to stop us sinking , and that guy with the funny haircut  from that breakdown service came out and helped us  , now what was it called---something like Boat Rescue,no RCR, River and Canal Rescue ,yes that’s it, you should look into that again” Yes my baby” came the Captain’s reply, I’ll do it straight away”.A few minutes later the Captain came back and said “Yep, it’s called River and Canal  Rescue and it costs a couple of hundred quid for up to seven rescues a year including a range of repairs, I’ll subscribe to it today.”And before you say it ,it is   always easy to be wise after the event isn’t “

After a delay of several days, the crew returned to their beloved Lorna II and continued their boating excursion eastwards .Their destination for the night being Windsor or there abouts.

144. Transport Home

When boating, you sometimes have to think the worse, and the worse often happens such as having no means of transport home, having no mobile phone, not having contact numbers in case you break down and so the list continues.

When we broke down, the Captain went into panic mode, he didn’t have the number of a breakdown service and couldn’t remember his wife’s phone number and he couldn’t get a signal and even more important, didn’t know exactly where they were.

After climbing the up the river bank, signals were had on the mobile phones and the horizon consisted of a public park area. We then scuttled across the green to hit the road. The road sign had been stolen by some dickhead or carefully removed to add to the collection of an ardent street sign collector, however on the opposite side of the road, there were two signs intact. We were at the junction of Gossmore Lane and Mill Road. So when phoning up and summoning transport it pays to pay attention to detail.

The Captain phoned his wife and asked for transport home the following day. When in fact  she did phone back, she corrected the location to the junction of Crossmore Road and Mill Lane .Aren’t  Google Maps and GPS wonderful tools and even with these facilities ,the Captain’s wife almost got lost in the  twisting, turning back streets of Marlow.

143. Abusive Young Men learn a lesson

When walking home from a night on the beer, youths who can’t take their beer often become full of bravado and are often prone to yob like behaviour and shout at passersbys particularly if they seem old and harmless. Such a gang of drunken youths made a mistake with the crew and in particular a mistake with Phil.

One hearing a stream of abuse, Phil approached a group of about seven youths who were sat outside and were obviously drunk and had probably also been on the dope as well.

One of the youths called Dicky passed some remark to Phil, and then threw his neck around Phil’s hands and Phil said “I think you’re too young to die” and the spotty youth slumped on the floor. The second youth then threw his arms towards Phil but ended up half way up his back in a micro-second to be told “Pick a window sunshine you’re going through it”.” No, no, no mate we were only joking”,” And so was I” said the Captain “Pick a passing a car and I’ll throw you under it” .The First Mate had diffused the situation by the threat of acts of gross violence. The Captain shouted “I had the big one covered Phil”,” and “I had  those bitches of  girls covered just in case they attacked you with their hand bags “echoed Billy the Cabin Boy”.