135. Break down, Sid the Ugly and Willie the Weasel

Just after Marlow Lock, the boat ahead of us went into random mode because its Captain had gone into panic  mode. His boat went round in a couple of circles when he was maneuver to avoid several youngsters in canoes. In the ensuing circling, he managed to hit our boat a couple of times without damaging it and, without any sort of apology just buggered off from the scene of the crime. After a couple of expletives from the First Mate aimed at the disappearing boat, the engine suddenly died with an electrical burning smell being emitted from the engine compartment, and with a full fuel tank on board. The Captain himself went into panic, just like the boater ahead of us board and cried out “Abandon ship chaps if you don’t want to get fried to a crisp, women and children first, so that means you Billy”.” Just stay calm” said the First Mate and “we’ll be alright, turn on the bilge pump, someone grab a fire extinguisher and open up the engine hatch”. As the Captain opened up the hatch, grey smoke acrid fumes came bellowing out of the engine compartment.”The First Mate looked down into the compartment and said  I’  don’t think the boat is going to explode ‘cos I can’t see naked flames and there’s no need for the fire extiquisher.” .The Captain  was still not convinced,  and said “Yes there’s a big difference between knowing and thinking”

 Luckily, for all of our sakes, he was right.

We let the boat drift towards the northern bank and dropped anchor. Phil, recognised where we where and  said “ Don’t panic lads , I know where  we are, there’s a boat yard about half a mile upstream  towards Marlow ,called Browns and lucky for us, I have their number on my phone. I’ve used them several times before, and I know the owner a guy called Larry the Lamb,  who’s an old fishing mate of mine. I’ll phone him, and ask if he can help us out “.After a two minute conversation, the First Mate smiled and said assistance is on its way. And before you ask any more of those silly questions Billy, he is Welsh,  but he doesn’t get his name because he is a bit of a sheep shagger ,he gets called  it because, although  he’s  about six six, with hands the size of plates,  and a neck of  that  of a bull, he’s  as meek and mild as a lamb, and everybody expects him to be a bit of a brute and bruiser ”. The Captain jovially added “Isn’t it good to know that everybody’s not like you, eh Big Fella?, ”The First Mate “said loudly, that’s the difference between knowing and thinking. I knew we were going to be alright but you thought that we going to be gonnas!!!, and guess what?, I was right”.

 At which point, the heavens opened up.”Bloody hell” exclaimed the Captain” It never rains it always pours, just like in Florida, you can set your watch to 3’o’clock in the summer, count to ten and then it pisses down for a couple of hours, sometimes dropping five to six inches in a matter of hours.”How do they cope with so much water then Captain?”Well Billy, I ’m no expert on water management but lo and behold, we have our own expert on board in the First Mate, perhaps he can enlighten us a bit on this subject?”.”As I’ve mentioned before” said the First mate” ,Us Brits don’t realsie that you have to invest in larger drains with proper control systems in place and the Yanks have got it off to a tee. They simply excavate drainage ponds, the size of a typical English lake to accommodate the surplus water, and then turn it into a local amenity for boating and fishing  or  they are used simply  as landscape features”. The Cabin Boy then said “Well then First Mate, if it is so simple as you suggest, why don’t we do it here them?” The First Mate explained ,  “If you had been listening to me a few days ago, I  did explain  that the sewers in London , and most large cities are not big enough to cope with large downpours and land prices are at such high  premium ,and do you really think that they are going to build a series of drainage ponds just so that you can go and drown your maggot or play with your model boat ? , I don’t think so do you?”

After about twenty minutes a young guy, Mike, in a very small boat came to aid and promptly pointed out that the starter motor had burnt out. Departing with money is easy for the Captain in times of stress and gave the helpful young man a twenty quid tip and asked him to flag down a passing boat and ask them for a tow.

Meanwhile, talk about being kicked when you’re down, we were interrupted by a couple of heavies who looked after the vastly expensive country house and told us that” It was private and that the owner didn’t like people mooring outside her property”. The Captain told them in a very stern  voice,  ” We’ve just   broken down on purpose outside your employers  house,  and  what’s more , do you dickheads think , assuming that you have the ability to  think in the first place, that we like  getting drowned like rats just for the fun of it , and have accidently on, purpose  just almost set our vessel alight after deliberately fiddling with the electrics ”.The ugly one of the two minders turned to the uglier of the two and said  “Sid, what’s that guy just said ?” The Cabin Boy chirped up, maybe I can help you there?  For your  own education ,and the edification of  your erstwhile friend, perhaps I may elucidate the esoteric and the  pseudo-eccentricity of the potential procrastinations which you have attempted to personally purvey, in an ad hoc manner,  without a  firm, factual paradigm, to scientifically and  statistically,  without predetermined confidence limits, both upper and lower ,suggest ,that the marriage of  our piffling knowledge of  pyrotechnics coupled with electrical malfunction,  was delivered deliberately, to effect  our premature demise into the great unknown,  caused by the entropic explosion that would no doubt  ensue   in the  imminent  inferno taking place in our immediate vicinity”.

Sid the Ugly, faced his mate Willy ,who looked like a  weasel , shrugged his shoulders, scratched his head and said “You trying take the piss eh mate ?” .”Certainly not old bean” replied the Cabin Boy   “, I wouldn’t dream of it “.”The First Mate added “my friend the Cabin boy would not dare to attempt to extract the urine from such fine fellows and you and companion, and by the way are you two fond of hospital food?

 Sid  The Ugly, and Willy The Weasel , realised that  the First Mate,  was a big, old boy who was not to be trifled with,  and  soon changed their tune and became almost normal for a couple of mindless monkeys and lackeys to boot, and ,wished us good luck for the rest of our journey.

134.E.N.Bumble

As we were passing through the lock at Marlow, the Captain said, “I have a true story to tell you lads about this lock and the weir which lies beyond the lock but in particular about this bloke who used to live in the lock house just over there on the island”.

“There was once a former lock-keeper at Marlowe called Ernest Nicholas Bumble, an ex-navy guy who suffered from the peak-capped syndrome and several years ago who  abruptly asked to see the my  fishing licence whilst fishing at Marlow weir. Having run up and down the gantry several times shouting  for us to come over to him, the lock keeper lost his rag and climbed downed the gantry ladder and waded across to us  and said almost face to face “Licence” with no please or thank you. I  asked him who he was and he replied, “I’m dressed like this because I am a lock keeper”. I  replied, How do I know that you’re not just off to a fancy dress party? and  I asked to see some ID, my mate Bo from London  who was  fishing companion for the day added that “Some people like to dress up” , to which I added  “Like in women’s clothing eh?” Bo.

The then irate E.N.B. then demanded to see my  licence  again, but I  refused  and told him  that I  needed proof of identity, which the lock-keeper had not provided . The lock-keeper then bellowed at  us ” I’ll go and get my ID card “.I then would him up further and said “While you’re ,there  be a good chap and  get us a couple  of pints of larger and a couple of packets crisps, what flavour d’ya want Bo?

Off he truly went, wading through the water, up one ladder, up another ladder and along the gantry to his office.

Five minutes later, he returned once again after having walked along the gantry, down one ladder, down a second ladder, and once again waded through the water and almost pushed his ID into my face.

The Captain told him “I didn’t recognise him from this photograph and how did I know that this ID actually belonged to him?”  I thought to myself that I had beaten the lock keeper hands down, who then left us to get on with our fishing but the incensed lock keeper almost had the last laugh. Bo and  I settled  had just settles down on our  seats  but  after a short while  we noticed that our  feet were under water and that the water level was rapidly rising. The lock keeper had obviously opened up a sluice gate in order to flood the area where we were fishing.

The triumphant lock keeper smirked, as we walked by but  I  was  determined not one to be beaten so easy and started to take a series of photographs of water levels and raised my  voice and said “Attempting to murder a couple of guys by drowning them is a very serious offence, we’ll just see what the local police have got to say about it”.

Bo and I visted the local police station in Marlow and I  told  the desk sergeant, that I wished to report a serious office, to which he asked me “And what would that be Sir” I replied  “it doesn’t get much more serious than attempted murder does it?. The sergeant immediately took us to an interview room and a police inspector presently joined us. I related the story to the police officer  who looked quizzically at us and after some deliberation he pronounced “That wasting police time is a serious offence and to which I said “ and so is dereliction of duty and what’s more I wish to make a formal statement which I shall write my self”

A couple of weeks later, I received a personal apology in person  from one of the top brass from the Environmental Agency , who told me that ENB took his duties very seriously  and he  may well  have misjudged the situation regarding the flow elements of the river ,and a couple of weeks later when the intrepid pair met him again at Marlow Lock, and the only remark to pass his lips were “Dr.Whittaker I presume ?”. The Captain replied “Bumble innit?“  .Over the next couple of years he was nice to us, in fact he was very, very nice.

133. Sadness and Bibles

When walking through the churchyard at  All Saints Marlow, just inside the entrance to the churchyard is a grave dedicated to a child called Clive who died when only ten months old , part of the tombstone consists of two little bunny rabbits.  On seeing this, it almost brought tears to our eyes.

Walking past the grave, the sensitive one amongst us and a close friend of a vicar, who will one day, be a bishop remarked “Only the young die young”. This remark then became a topic of conversation.

The Captain asked what was that suppose to mean. The First Mate said” Oh it’s a short expression for a piece of popular wisdom, meaning that if young boys and girls are good then they are destined to die young whilst the baddies amongst us will live longer lives.” Billy chipped in then “Us bad buggers will live longer lives then? The Captain corrected him “We have already lived long lives or so it seems.”

The Cabin Boy   then remembered that such words are “Found in a song by someone like Billy Joel or Iron Maiden.”Right on both occasions” said the Captain. Phil had the final word on this topic and retorted “Yeah, that’s it, it’s about some guy trying to get your hands into some Catholic tart’s pants and is told that it could be a lot of fun if she would just let him”.

Just as they were about to leave, Billy turned around to face the infants grave again and asked “What do you make of that inscription chaps on the headstone chaps?”…”Something from the Bible I reckon “said the First Mate” and he continued “And it seems strange to that the word suffer should be ever be used on a little kid’s gravestone, a bit of a cheek if you ask me”.”Now then First Mate” said the Captain” Don’t forget that the Bible was written yonks ago and words get lost in translation have different meanings depending how long ago it was written?”.”What the hell are you talking about, then Billy?” queried the First Mate.”What most people don’t know”, continued the Cabin Boy,” is roughly you can divide the Bible into two parts, the Old Testament and the New Testament. The old one,  was written in Hebrew,  and the new one was written in Greek,  and so straight away there’s always the chance  that the they get the meanings of  words wrong, spell them wrong  or get the translation in the wrong sequence. Now if we take that word suffer on that that kid’s stone, it means allow or permit and I actually remember my Sunday school teacher telling us about it. You see, there was a group of kids trying to see and talk to Jesus and his minders, you know the disciples, were stopping the kids from chatting to the big boss. When Jesus saw this, he told them that kids should, also be allowed to enter the Kingdom of God. He stopped Pete, Jimmy and Matt and their other mates in their tracks by adding, that those who tried to stop kids seeing him would themselves be excluded from that kingdom”.”The Captain inquired, “Seems we have another budding Billy Graham here, what is the difference between the Old and the New Testaments?” “Obvious”,  said  the Cabin Boy, one was written before the birth of Jesus,  and contains a lot about rules and regs such as the Ten Commandments , and the New Testament,  is about the life and times of JC,  and is more trendy and up to date .And another major difference is that the Old Testament was basically for the  old fashioned, orthodox Jews and the New Testament was for Christians.” .No wonder , when you  see all those Jewish  kids at  round Christmas time,  they all look so miserable, they don’t get a proper turkey dinner,  no Christmas presents and don’t get to join in the festive season  at all”  said  the First Mate.”  And  the Captain “ said the Cabin Boy” for your information Billy Graham is a Christian evangelist  who believes that Jesus is our savior”  , to which the First Mate  added”  a bit like Fabio Capello, who’s gonna save our England football team from making fools of themselves in the next World Cup !”

132. Optimism,Pessimism, and Sperm

As the adage goes when drinking the optimist is always drinking from a half-full glass whilst the pessimist is drinking from an half empty glass. Well the Cabin Boy put it to the test .He filled one glass so that it was half filled and then half filled the second glass.

In fact , during the filling process, it took the Cabin Boy several pourings to decide when the glasses were both filled half way up or half way down. The Cabin Boy being a devote fan of “showing off what it is too be English” drank from both glasses until they were both equal in their volumes  and declared that it was time to make the judgement.

All things being equal, except in the manhood length division, the Cabin Boy announced his decision and declared the result a tie. The First Mate ,being a cricket fan added “ I assume that the Pakistani cricket team have placed bets in their favour that it would be a draw, plus or minus several pints of beer and had been physic in their assumption  that  CCTV,  investigative journalists and such like ,would be deaf, dumb and blind to the obvious disregard to the rules of a game that was once played by gentleman and was not subject to the short term gains caused by totally abhorrent  gamesman or shall we call them profiteers.” Christ alive First Mate” Where did you learn to speak like that?” “At school “replied the First Mate .The Captain smiled “An approved school then!?”

The Captain continued the discussion, and said, “The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is the glass and I’m just thankful to have a glass”. Now , the Cabin Boy being a bit of a part- time philosopher,  amongst other things added,  “I reckon I am an optimistic pessimist,  and being one means you can’t ever lose , and you are always in a win-win situation, you know you get the  best of both worlds ”. “What are talking about Billy? “, interrupted the First Mate,” Can you explain what that means in simple English for simpletons like us?” . Well to simpletons like you two, you convince yourself that the outcome of any situation will always be pleasant although you know full well that that is not the case, but you keep on smiling and laughing, and eventually you  cannot distinguish between reality and fantasy. You seem to  end up living a happy and carefree life that so many people envy, but you don’t ever realise that you are just as miserable as them.” “Cheers Billy Boy,  that’s as clear as mud”,  said the First Mate, “ but I really think Billy”,  continued  The First Mate, that  you must be a optimist for, if you came home and  found  your front door  open,  you’d think that someone had arranged a surprise party for you and furthermore, if you got that drunk, and found yourself standing on the fast lane of   M1 motorway ,you’d think that,  that Juggernaut  thundering down the road at 90 m.ph. and heading straight for you,  wasn’t about to  mow you down any second now,  because you were a good old boy” .

The Captain being a scientist said “Billy you may indeed be a, true optimistic pessimist, because the optimist is a person not in possession of all the facts while the pessimist has all the facts. In your case Billy, you always look on the bright side of life and believe that every cloud has a silver lining, despite the fact that the weather man at the Met Office, has just informed us,   that we are  about to be subjected to a range of unprecedented, severe and the worst  weather conditions which England  has never experienced”.

The  First Mate,  laughed out loud , and said  “Yes Captain, I’ve changed my mind ,and it’s all so clear to me now, the Cabin Boy is definitely an optimistic pessimist,  ‘cos like that catholic guy in that Monty Python film  The Meaning of Life, he also  believes that,   “every sperm is sacred” ,and seeing that an average guy’s ejaculates between 50 and 500 million sperms each time, yes Billy,  you  could be the father of  all of the  people,  in the European Union,  by just having your  leg over once , now there’s a thought , millions of little BTB’s !!!”

132. Optimism,Pessimism, and Sperm

As the adage goes when drinking the optimist is always drinking from a half-full glass whilst the pessimist is drinking from an half empty glass. Well the Cabin Boy put it to the test .He filled one glass so that it was half filled and then half filled the second glass.

In fact , during the filling process, it took the Cabin Boy several pourings to decide when the glasses were both filled half way up or half way down. The Cabin Boy being a devote fan of “showing off what it is too be English” drank from both glasses until they were both equal in their volumes  and declared that it was time to make the judgement.

All things being equal, except in the manhood length division, the Cabin Boy announced his decision and declared the result a tie. The First Mate ,being a cricket fan added “ I assume that the Pakistani cricket team have placed bets in their favour that it would be a draw, plus or minus several pints of beer and had been physic in their assumption  that  CCTV,  investigative journalists and such like ,would be deaf, dumb and blind to the obvious disregard to the rules of a game that was once played by gentleman and was not subject to the short term gains caused by totally abhorrent  gamesman or shall we call them profiteers.” Christ alive First Mate” Where did you learn to speak like that?” “At school “replied the First Mate .The Captain smiled “An approved school then!?”

The Captain continued the discussion, and said, “The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is the glass and I’m just thankful to have a glass”. Now , the Cabin Boy being a bit of a part- time philosopher,  amongst other things added,  “I reckon I am an optimistic pessimist,  and being one means you can’t ever lose , and you are always in a win-win situation, you know you get the  best of both worlds ”. “What are talking about Billy? “, interrupted the First Mate,” Can you explain what that means in simple English for simpletons like us?” . Well to simpletons like you two, you convince yourself that the outcome of any situation will always be pleasant although you know full well that that is not the case, but you keep on smiling and laughing, and eventually you  cannot distinguish between reality and fantasy. You seem to  end up living a happy and carefree life that so many people envy, but you don’t ever realise that you are just as miserable as them.” “Cheers Billy Boy,  that’s as clear as mud”,  said the First Mate, “ but I really think Billy”,  continued  The First Mate, that  you must be a optimist for, if you came home and  found  your front door  open,  you’d think that someone had arranged a surprise party for you and furthermore, if you got that drunk, and found yourself standing on the fast lane of   M1 motorway ,you’d think that,  that Juggernaut  thundering down the road at 90 m.ph. and heading straight for you,  wasn’t about to  mow you down any second now,  because you were a good old boy” .

The Captain being a scientist said “Billy you may indeed be a, true optimistic pessimist, because the optimist is a person not in possession of all the facts while the pessimist has all the facts. In your case Billy, you always look on the bright side of life and believe that every cloud has a silver lining, despite the fact that the weather man at the Met Office, has just informed us,   that we are  about to be subjected to a range of unprecedented, severe and the worst  weather conditions which England  has never experienced”.

The  First Mate,  laughed out loud , and said  “Yes Captain, I’ve changed my mind ,and it’s all so clear to me now, the Cabin Boy is definitely an optimistic pessimist,  ‘cos like that catholic guy in that Monty Python film  The Meaning of Life, he also  believes that,   “every sperm is sacred” ,and seeing that an average guy’s ejaculates between 50 and 500 million sperms each time, yes Billy,  you  could be the father of  all of the  people,  in the European Union,  by just having your  leg over once , and there’s a thought , millions of little BTB’s !!!”