142. Francesco’s ,Lecherous Old Men and the Celibate Gay

The trouble with drinking is that it makes you hungry and you soon forget about the expense incurred particularly when you cannot look a gift horse in the face.

Eileen , the land lady of O Donohoughes, recommended that we try an Italian  restaurant that was close by and she gave us  cards  that purported to offer two meals for the price of one and all we needed was to show the card to the staff at the restaurant and to mention her name.

All seemed above board and a genuine bargain was to be had. We each  had a main course and shared a bit garlic bread as a starter. Now seeing that the main course averaged about nine quid and it was two for one, how could one run up a tab for almost eighty quid. The answer was simple our drinks bill accounted for almost two thirds of the bill. Not surprising when one of the crew who shall be nameless almost quaffed two bottles of red wine by himself but Billy and Jimmy didn’t object to seeing that person enjoy himself at their expense.

The manageress, Kingha, was  a pretty young Hungarian girl who was engaged to a fellow Hungarian called Armani who worked constant nights as a baggage handler at Heathrow. As the night went on and more drink flowed, we all became smitten her. She readily accepted our invitation to be included in photographs and even gave the Captain and the First Mate a goodnight kiss. And we ,all know why, she was after a big tip which she got. Upon reflection, she had already been given a tip by someone else “it is easy to get a tip off old chaps just pretend that you like them and if they were the last men on earth you may allow them to hold your hand, with the light on.

As we limped off home, the Cabin Boy lamented, “Just goes to show that a fool and his money are easily parted”. The First Mate chipped in with “There’s no fool like an old fool”, and the Captain continued the proverbial train of thoughts with “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread ,but  that Hungarian bird was some sort of  tasty Angel though ”.The First Mate mumbled “a thieving robbing one at that.”.The Cabin Boy giggled and said “Who took advantage of three old and lecherous,  but very drunk pensioners who thought that they were God’s gift to women!” The Captain, the worse for wear spat out “I’ve had enough of women and kids, in the next life, I’m  gonna join the Gay Catholic Network and come  back as a celibate gay”.

“ I think you may have got it wrong there there Captain. Being celibate means that you don’t get married while chastity means that you not going to have sex, you see priests take a vow of chastity not celibacy”.”Yeah Billy thanks for that, I sometimes wonder where you get all this useless information from?”.” That’s easy Billy, from teachers like the Captain, who have got nothing else to do, but to fill our heads with such trivial information,” added the First Mate 

141. Mad and Bad, and Taboos

In life, you meet some scary characters and we met one in our travels. A giant of a man, about six foot seven and weighing about twenty one stone and in the  photograph of him with the First Mate, he is stood several feet behind the First Mate, and hence the optical illusion. Oh, and by the way, you may have guessed throughout this book that the First Mate himself is a big fella. Obviously just by looking at them you could tell that they are both are or were hard men in their time. The First Mate being a gym guru, body builder and ex-rugby player but what of Nick?. He used to be a cop and now worked doing security work and we hazard a guess that he may have been a bodyguard for an Arab prince at worse, or a minder of an underworld gang boss leader at best.

He no longer visited his local pub but each evening he would walk over the bridge on the Thames and have a few beers in a couple of local pubs. He  told us “ I never drink and drive “ which was a good point in his favour and in addition, a lesson to us all thought the Captain, until the Cabin Boy whispered in his ear “Probably too pissed to find his car, never mind trying to drive it”

He intimated that he had been prone to acts of violence in his previous life and that he had now left them behind him. A reformed character, but as a reality check, we must always ask the question “Does a leopard change it’s spots?”

When the Cabin Boy engaged him in conversation about family life, Nick turned bright red, drank his drink very, very quickly, a very, very large glass of red vino,  and made a quick exit. Obviously, Billy Boy had touched upon some sore point.

When Nick left , the Cabin Boy  said” I don’t know what’s  wrong with him, I didn’t say anything to upset him”.”That’s probably true Billy, but some people don’t like to speak about some things and particularly amongst strangers” said the Captain .The First Mate smiled and said “And they don’t get much stranger than you and Jimmy, ”  Billy fought back with “Probably just jealous  of my good looks  and my superior knowledge of almost everything”.”Ha, ha Billy “chipped in the Captain “You forgot to add, your extreme humility and modesty”.” No, didn’t you notice that sort of glazed look he had in his eyes “replied Billy. The First Mate added, “Probably just been on the sauce all day”. “No I don’t think so “said the Captain “Some subjects are totally taboo to some people for example you couldn’t really talk to most people   about   paedophilia, incest or terrorism could you?”.The First Mate smiled again and said, “You could if you were called Michael Jackson, Fred West or Obama bin Laden”.

The Captain didn’t want to drop the subject and continued “Some things   are viewed as  forbidden  by society’s standards and therefore they are  rarely talked about openly. Some are less taboo then they were in the past and some are more then ever taboo. And while most have to do with sex, some taboos have to do with food, and others beliefs, and all of them will bring a conversation to a dead stop if you bring them up because these are all things most people do not what to talk about. In my own case I am uncomfortable talking about death, cancer and Aids. And in the case of Nick, he just has a hang up about family life”

140. O’Donoghue’s and the Trades Description Act

When you wish to watch a sports event on a TV in a pub in a strange town it is best to ask someone who knows the local pubs and  when meandering through Marlow, the Cabin Boy stopped a couple for their advice on which pub has a TV showing  sports. The chap of the couple named a couple of pubs and then gave us quick instructions on how to get there. He then changed his mind and said, “Looking at you Old Boys, maybe you would be better off going to O’Dononghue’s, it’s more your age group.”Oh you mean it doesn’t cater for young, ill-mannered twats like you then ?” added The First Mate,  and the Captain chipped in with “You off to the kindergarten to play with your toys then ?, to which the Cabin Boy added “ No boys he’s still on   his mother ‘s teat  and she wouldn’t allow him to go out by himself, just in case he pooped in  his pants” and the Cabin Boy asked the poor chap “Is that woman with you your nurse maid or nanny?”.”No,no Billy she’s probably both  “ smirked the First Mate.

Yes, he was right of course. You go into these young guys pubs; they invariably don’t sell real ale but lager  for louts and the non-aficionados of real ale, and don’t forget that Castle Maine XXXX stands for Castle Maine Piss. Secondly, the clientele of such pubs are full of Man U, Chelsea and Arsenal fans and finally the frequenters of these pubs have  one GCSE between them, in woodwork.

On arrival in the pub, we were warmly greeted by the landlady named Eileen, and I am pleased to report that this Irish pub, previously called The Carpenters Arms, was staffed by a couple of paddy girls including Eileen herself. Shame about the  spoilt image though,  we didn’t see a single person drinking a pint of Guinness, Mc Caffrey’s or Murphy’s, the place as predicted ,was full of larger swigging, mainly young guys watching the football match  on the telly.

The Cabin boy looked around the bar and laughed “Its funny, we’ve been here for about thirty minutes and I haven’t heard a single Irish accent this side of the bar. There’s no typical Irish food menu and because of the noise, its hardly a place to meet and chat, get pissed and then have a  sing-a-long  into the early hours of the morning. In my opinion, it violates the Trade Description Act. I’ve got a good mind to report them to the local trading standards office”.”Come off it Billy “argued the Captain” If that was the case every type of business in the entire country would have to be reported then “.Billy replied “I don’t understand what you are talking about, please explain. ”Well, just for starters ,look around here, see the menu, home-cooked food, yea, bought frozen at  the supermarket yesterday, Guinness brewed just down the road in Reading is hardly Dublin, the signs outside with six-leafed clovers. Moreover, look over there by the jukebox, those guys in the pinstripes suits-honest bankers, caring solicitors and humble stock brokers. Just look at those footballing fairies  on the telly now, trying to convince us that they are sports superstars worth a million a year in wages, I could go on and on but I hope that you get my drift”.”I think you’ve made your point Sir” interjected John the landlord to which Phil replied “ I didn’t  think we asked for your opinion  old son, did we lads ?”.Rather than getting asked to leave another pub in the same evening, in the same town, we supped up and left.

139. The Two Brewers, the Rebellion Brewery and Thrown out of the Pub

“This is where he did it “said Phil, “What?” enquired Billy.” Jerome wrote a few chapters of “The Book””Can’t be its too modern,” added Billy. The landlord chipped in “This pub was built in 1755 “.The Captain thought Jerome   would have turned in his grave now that this pub is classified as an Old English Gastro pub.” Of course it’s been modified since then” continued the landlord, the Captain thought,” ruined”,   but then allowed the landlord to pontificate. “We’ve completely changed the place .We now have has three function rooms which are available for private parties, business seminars, clubs and society meetings and a range of special events. The Cabin Boy immediately thought of Pole Dancers, Stag Parties and Strippers but was disappointed to hear that Tony, the landlord, was going to hold wine tasting and cookery evenings and even theatre nights. The Captain thought in his mind “Maybe watching paint dry, women’s topless darts and dwarf tossing would be more appropriate in order to bring in customers and a bit of life to the place”.

One good think about the pub was that the clientele didn’t seem to fit the type of place that the owner was trying to create. We spoke to a couple of guys, Dick and Dave and their conversation seemed to be quite normal, wogs, woofters and women and of course football, beer and what they’d like to do to our useless politicians. As well as having the same standards of common decency as us, we were all drinking the same beer “Mutiny” brewed locally by the  local Rebellion Brewery.

While drinking with loving care  his umpteenth pint  and attention the Cabin Boy said “It just goes to show that even in this present economic climate, some businesses can still be successful and what we are holding in our hands is testament to this. The Rebellion Brewery here in Marlow is a small micro-brewery set up when one of the larger brewers of yesteryear decided to shut its doors here, it may have been Wethereds.If my memory serves me correctly, they sold out to the property division of one of the mega breweries .Undaunted by the refusal of the large brewery to embark on   some form of joint venture, ,a couple of guys bought some brewing equipment from Courage, I think in Reading and had a bit of luck, when a sympathetic farmer at Marlow Bottom sold then a couple of units to start off a new brewery. There was an article in the Camra magazine “What’s Brewing” a few years ago. It just goes to show what a bit of perseverance can do .Even though they were strapped for money and were working on a shoestring budget plus problems with the local planning department; they still managed to achieve their goal and, I wonder if this pub is named after the two guys who spearheaded this brewery project?”.

The Captain interrupted “That reminds me of my buddy back Roy, back in  Caversham, who uses the phrase “Out of adversity comes opportunity and this certainly applies in this case”

“I think you’ll find that that phrase was originally coined by Benjamin Disraeli,” continued the Cabin Boy”.”Almost right Billy” commented the First Mate,”It was Benjamin Franklin across the Pond”.”Almost right “interjected the landlord “I think you’ll find that the Pond refers to crossing the Atlantic from the States to England”. And the First Mate  thought he had ended the conversation with “And I think you ill  find that a landlord is supposed to be genial, unassuming host and not some sort of know-it-all prat who fancies himself as a pseudo intellectual and that’s  being polite!!!” “And I’ll think you ‘ill find that as a  landlord. I can throw out  any one I like  to,  so gentlemen drink up and leave my pub at once”.

The crew quickly knocked back the remains of their pints  and as they were opening the door to leave the Cabin Boy said  politely “And I think you will find Sir ,that we won’t be dirtying  your door again” and the First Mate added “ And I’ll think, you ‘ill find that you’ll  never make a landlord as long as you’ve got a hole in your arse”

138. No toilets or snacks

The signs of a posh town are twofold. First, they have very few fast food outlets, unlike Abingdon, and secondly, they have very few if no public conveniences, which is very inconvenient, if  you are in dire need of a convenience, and hence the name . So if you are ever such posh places such as Marlow or Henley for example, you won’t be able to have a quick dump at the tax payers expense, and you won’t be able to have a fish and chip supper or the odd burger, because such posh places prefer visitors and locals alike, to be forced to dine at expensive eateries instead. This helps   local restaurateurs to stay in business, and thus attract an upper crust clientele, which in turn ensures that such town remains very posh, and thus keeps out the riff raff out of the town, including visitors such as the crew of the Lorna II, of course with one exception! ; and we all know by now who that is, don’t we ?

So if you are visiting one of these posh towns, you will be well advised to bring your own packed lunch and if you need to relief yourself, walk into one of those posh hotels, restaurants or pubs with an air of authority, with your nose in air, looking down on staff if they should dare to try to catch your eye, and pop straight into the toilet facilities. If you wish to avoid this rigmarole, attend to your business before setting foot in one of these superior towns and if not ensure that you pack one your grandchildren’s Pampers or better still your mother or father’s incontinence pants .And for those who want a drink cheap beer, take a visit to your local Iceland or Morrison’s where you can buy pint bottles of beers for around a  pound.

137. Polish Litter Louts and the Rubbish Problem

When one comes into many big cities these days you are often greeted by graffiti on walls and litter but you would hardly expect to find litterlouts in some of the finest countryside in England but you would be wrong. When we had been walking around places like Henley and Marlow, we kept on finding litter at certain places on the river. These places were often close to the waterside and there was evidence of campfires. These beautiful waterside spots containing discarded bottles, bags, food containers and empty drinks cans.

Who could have done this? Well the answer was easy look at the evidence. Packaging labelled in some foreign language and Tyskie lager, a well-known Polish lager. Not only are these people polluting our country with their presence, they have now decided to pollute our countryside as well. Oh and to the discerning reader, this was not an isolated finding but was the  norm.

The First Mate, being of a righteous disposition, wanted to go over a give a group of them a good old fashioned thrashing , but the Cabin Boy being of a nervous disposition declined the call to arms and the Captain suddenly developed selective hearing, and if only he had been twenty years younger, he would have taken on the greasy Poles by himself, alone, when suitably armed with an old pick-axe handle, which he still keeps in the car and which he still affectionately calls” Harry the Handle!”

Having had a couple of pre-dinner drinks in the riverside park, the crew marched on towards Marlow along the tow path, The First Mate looked into the river and pointed to the rubbish floating in the river and said”, Thousands of tonnes of rubbish are washed down our rivers, and waterways each year, and I read in the paper that it is estimated that more than a million of birds and mammals die each year from entanglement , or ingestion of plastics such as balloons and plastic bags. The Environmental Agency surveyed over for hundred river and canal sites and they concluded that litter was the most common cause of poor water quality and that about sixty percent of the litter was plastic.

“Didn’t you used to work in the water industry First Mate, and what would you do about all this waste in the rivers then?” .“ Well for a first minor  offence,  such as throwing a ciggy butt into the river,  I would only chop one hand off offender ,and for  a more serious offences such as discarding a used condom ,the offender would have his cock cut off, while the dumping of a plastic bag into the river would carry a mandatory death sentence”  explained the First Mate. ”Jokes aside lads, we should encourage people to not throw anything into the river, use starch based rubbish bags, prevent anything from being blown overboard, recycle more, reduce waste such as refilling water bottles and don’t contaminate general waste by throwing items into the wrong containers such as chucking paint tins into a newspaper only bin”.

“I tell you what” said Billy, isn’t it funny that whenever you seen discarded beer bottles or cans ,it’s always lager and rarely ever proper ale and I reckon I know the answer chaps.”Go on then Billy enlighten us once again “said the Captain.Most lager louts are the younger group of beer drinkers who like to go out at the weekend and get really trolleyed   by drinking  copious  amounts  of  Fosters  or  Stella Artois , after which they get aggressive  or horny  and want  or fuck  fight everybody in sight. And another thing is, the morons, who drink  lager  often indulge in binge drinking at the weekends and simply can’t take their  booze like proper men like us,  and then they show their true colours ,by indulging in all sorts of stupid and anti-social behavior such as shouting, swearing, pissing in doorways, throwing up after scoffing greasy fat-laden kebabs , and list goes on ad finitum. And another thing is, Stella Artois is to be called Artois because of the severe bad press that this particular brand receives”. The First Mate interjected and asked then Cabin boy “What does that mean then Billy?”.Billy explained , “You look through the press and it’s full of it such as  “Man says sorry about kicking a Paki to death after drinking ten pints of Stella, Mr.Smith defending Mr.Slob,explained  his client had  drunk twelve pints of Stella”, or “Miss Slut,after drinking eight pints of Stella , had accidently strangled her  aged grandmother and “  in  the County Court  today, Master Bates, aged twelve  said  “he didn’t realize that he had raped his aunt’s pet poodle after having quaffed seven pints of Stella”.